The Dead Horse Wants It

Seriously, he's begging for it. The horse is lying there, begging for me to beat it. Moaning and calling my name.

But I can't and I will not. Not this one, I will not beat it.

Fuck and god damn it.

I want to open its guts up and talk about this shit till it's burnt beyond recognition. It's my nature. Yet, I know... I must leave this one be. It's the right thing to do.

I need a distraction from this horse.

fuck me.

Touching the Middle of Sweetness

Things move around and shift.  Some I like, some make me sad.

The universe seems to have a plan for me, twice now it has given me a someone that shows me it's time to leave my marriage, and, it appears, as soon as I listen, I lose the someone that inspired the decision to speak up.

Which is a bit of slight of hand, universe.

I'm hoping that this time that's not entirely true. I really liked this latest inspiration, I liked the little bits of time we spent together. I would like to have more of those.

When it first appeared, I asked for it to be something sweet. Now, I would like it to come back and I would like it to be lovely and a little enduring. Maybe not a life time of moments, but a good length of them.

Those moments had pieces of that kind of stillness where you cease to exist in this world and visit a different place, you know that kind of stillness?

I want to touch and be touched by it again and more. I miss it already.

I may have found a new home for me, fingers crossed that the owner picks me. It's beautiful and simple, and I believe it will foster my heart's growth.

It was his turn to say that "this has to stop," he said he was getting more attached to me and that current circumstances didn't bode well for us if feelings became stronger. He's very adamant that he should not have attached feelings. Whatever. I guess.

He doesn't know I'm leaving, it seems weird to tell him. I have to make this decision for me and only me right now. He was my physical evidence of just how removed I am from my marriage, and I must deal with that separately.

I just wish he didn't have to disappear once his "job" was done.

I've broken my husband's heart. He was very comfortable staying still where we are - or were. And I dreamed (always dreaming) of more: more connection, more lust, more passion, more life. And, as it happens, I'm more afraid of not taking my chances finding it again than I am of leaving the safety and comfort of what I have.

And so grace falls at my feet and all I can do is breath one breath at a time, slowly, taking it in.

Gods bless me.

Resolute Absolution

Most days are fine, good even, but then these other days pop up where I am suddenly shocked by my actions. Reality falls like a lead ball into my stomach, and I wonder if I know, really know, what I am doing.

How lonely will I get or be? I will have to take my own garbage to the curb (um, that might be the one thing he does that I don't look forward to having to take on. Or it's the only thing he does...) . I will be alone.

Will I like being alone (again)? One only needs to look at the alternative to know that the answer to that question is mute. But still, it begs asking (and suffering).

I'm a little scared. But, not scared enough to stand still. I'm more scared of standing still than entering the unknown.

I'm also sad - not just about the obvious, but something more, too.  Perhaps I feel sad because it feels a little like I lost something that was tangible and nice in my present. Something that, there could be no doubt, I would have to let go of eventually (and shortly after receiving it even). But,  I guess, it feels like a bummer - if indeed it has met its end already. I will miss it.

Yeah, that's the sadness. There is a resolute absolution that stirs beautifully in me, on the precipice of my knowing, like a small dirt devil dancing in my peripheral.

It's coming.

Where I Leave Once Again

I told him we are separating, and in a not so unique, shouldn't have been a surprise, surprise... he's fine with it. Not happy, but resigned in a pleasant fashion.

This because he is numb as fuck. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been surprised. However, being as human as I am, as un numb as I am - I am, scientifically speaking, shocked.

I will miss my friend in the way we have each other now, but it is time.

I've reviewed hindsight and, I think, all that talk about being okay with living in his prison because I get to come and go was me just trying to convince myself that this was okay.

But at the bottom of that is the realization that I am already a single person, only I am stopped form moving forward and growing as sensual being (which doesn't stop moving forward on it's own, by the by) because of my commitment to someone who has chosen to stop living beyond their duty.

I reread a bunch of old writings and had to laugh at how long I have been missing passion, sensuality, and... connection; it's been going on since at least 2008, ramping up in earnest in my face in 2009.

And now, I am in front of something sweet. I would like to say that I am a lot more grown up and prepared this time. At least, I'm pretty sure that's true.

The slight attraction that started about a year ago, recently and suddenly kicked the door down, and I ran to it like the world was on fire.

It feels as if, finally, the gods have seen fit to release me from my wasteland and I get to physically experience a somewhat ferocious lust and passion and/or a sweet and lovely string of moments that exist like water.

It's very sweet. He's sweet. I enjoy him. I enjoy the energy that goes between us. I would like it to remain for a little while.

So the truth has physically manifested itself in a way that I can't talk myself out of how done I am. It would be irresponsible of me to stay.

For me and my life, I get to be alone again. To grow solid in my understanding. To feel... real. And hopefully, to enjoy time and love with lovely people as the journey continues.

That is my hope.