It's just that I'm not usually this wrong about people and things. Which is to say, he must have feelings for me. I really want him to have feelings for me, ones that run at least a little deeper.
I'm just not usually this wrong.
Maybe there could have been something that still existed and maybe I ruined it by not being "strong enough" and being able to just turn it off. Maybe I came off needy in the end and anything he was attracted to waned.
Maybe.
But it just doesn't feel like that deep down.
The inner truth that feels strong in me is that there was something. Not nothing.
I go over past thought obsessions and attractions, ones I've gotten hung up-ish on. Did they not like me? Where they just not that into me? Or was it reciprocated?
None of those were ever physically actualized, but there was interest on both parts. Ugh, I don't know what would have become of J, he too was very young. I don't know that my interest would have lasted, but because he never got what he was looking for - that attraction will still exist.
To be fair, it wouldn't have gone anywhere. This felt like it would or could have lasted in the distant way I was hoping for. It seemed perfect. Not a relationship, but two people who cared enough about each other and took some solace and joy out of the time that was shared.
I should turn off the thoughts. I shouldn't revisit the fun in my mind, it's self inflicted frustration.
Maybe it would just be nice to know that he revisits them too, that he would like more of them as well.
Is this the way it will be now? Is this just the world of casual sex and I will be even easier to dismiss because I'm older?
That's a tough pill to swallow.
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