A Kinetic Sleep

He was telling me at work that he was hungry, he told me how pretty I was that day, he dropped suggestive comments, he wanted time alone with me whenever he could, he was candid and honest about feelings and things...

Later that day, I concluded once again that I would most likely have to let this lovely bubble go.

Later that night, I fucked him in my mind.  I couldn't help but imagine him imagining me, my mouth and tongue on his cock, me looking into his eyes from below as I seduced him with my mouth.

He was there. I felt him grab my ass, I felt his urgency, his desire, his confusion, his lust. The feeling was so strong that my body started to move with his. He was there.

Every part of me was lit up electrically, sensations I have never felt quite like that.

As I neared orgasm just by moving my hips into his imaginary body, imagining and feeling him inside of me, he said, "look into my eyes." I didn't, couldn't, not just yet, so no my head shook as I reached deeper. Not yet. Until I knew it was in my grasp... I was there, I was coming.

I looked into his eyes a little defiantly, his cock deep inside of me, his hips pressed against mine,  as I experienced an incredibly full orgasm. He was there.

And then, for the first time in my life, I experienced what I have heard other girls experience early in their sexual life. It was so pure and complete that I cried.

Alone. 45.

I didn't really sleep for the rest of the night. I truly felt caught in some other dimension, whether it was of my own creation or not.

Welcome Back...

Success, Beauty, Strength

I must keep repeating these three words, they are my signs, my pointers, my goal. I feel those things in me are depleted, my tank is running dry.

I'm at a place where staying busy is preferred because then I don't feel the emptiness of my life: friends, lovers, children.

I am reminded of that one summer when I was about 11. We lived in a derelict old farm house that we patched up with paint and elbow grease. This one particular summer, my older sister was gone for the whole summer, my parents worked from 6am to 6pm. I was fairly new to the shitty little Alberta town we were in and any friends I did have were all gone for summer vacations. I was completely alone.

Although I'm sure I did, I can't remember feeling loneliness. All I remember is the routine I created:

TV: The Alan Thicke Show, Welcome Back Kotter, and a few others. Those were my morning shows. After that, I would spend some time with our dog outside, playing with him. I would climb the tree I named Herbert and read. I would visit the horses when they let me. I would wander the farm aimlessly.

In the afternoon, I would bake chocolate chip cookies for my parents and wait for their return.

Same thing everyday for about 6 weeks of that summer. To this day, it was/is the most memorable summer I had. It was/is so full of sweet moments that I can't name or put my finger on, but I suppose they were all created by a deep sense of acceptance. Acceptance that I had no one and nothing to do.

It was a beautiful discovery that I didn't know I had made until many years later.

I find myself at this moment again. I am at the starting line of having no one and, outside of work, nothing to do.

Weekends come and I take myself for a bike ride or walk into town to get groceries - things that will get me out of the house and take up time. In each of these, I bask in the beauty of walking or riding, being alone doesn't bother me at all; but, all the same, it echoes aloneness - as if I have somehow failed to have a life.

My 11 year old self gave me insight. I know that this alone time, no matter how odd it can feel, is rich in gifts. Gifts that will include some amount of personal struggle to see, like the hike on a mountain to witness the sunset. I will get there.

The acceptance of aloneness being the key, the key being the beauty.

Beauty being love, joy, connection, light, laughter
Success so that when my work week is over, I can leave it behind and experience my life, my beauty.

Strength because I think I'm going to need it.

Blinders

What an incredibly dramatic week last week was.

• My daughter was in Nice, France at the fireworks on Bastille Day (totally traumatized, but absolutely alive and well. Thank fucking Universe). 
• The Greek wanted to be honest (after fabulous, fun activities - before finding out about the attack in Nice) and say that he find himself attracted to the younger version of me he sees in my 22 yr old daughter who I recently hired (thanks to my couger-ness, he is only 6 years older than her. I, on the other hand, am 18 years older than him.)
• I had the worlds worst misogynistic, demanding, entitled customer so far up my ass the entire time the two first things have been going on. 

I believe all has worked out just fine. As mentioned, my daughter in Nice is well. 

The Greek has professed that he totally understands that nothing could or would ever happen and that he wouldn't put my daughter in that position AND that was a lapse in reason because he does see the younger version of me and it was confusing and/or misleading for him at the time. He had just wanted to be honest.

If the misogynistic prick continues on his tirade, I can probably fire him.

I have no idea where any of these things might go (accept for my younger daughter, she's coming the fuck home safe and sound), and today, I find myself totally okay with it. I feel kinda sick to my stomach once and a while around the whole Greek thing. He works with her every day, how confused or clear will he get about what he wants? 

The customer, the work, the job - jesus, it's amping up fast. I have so much work to do to make this the best possible thing. I need to focus all my energy on manifesting my career move. 

That's it. That's all. 

A Tribe Called Lovers

And....... We're Back!

Fuck me (literally, please) that took a lot of time and a whole lot of patience, but it's done.

Last Friday marked a continuance with the Greek, and I do believe we've crafted a "truce" or... better yet, a deal.

I can breath again. I can stop being distracted by the confoundedness of what the fuck do you mean this is not going to happen, cant you feel this shit between us? and move on with my life - looking for the next addition to my tribe called lovers.

Yay fucking me.