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Success, Beauty, Strength

I must keep repeating these three words, they are my signs, my pointers, my goal. I feel those things in me are depleted, my tank is running dry.

I'm at a place where staying busy is preferred because then I don't feel the emptiness of my life: friends, lovers, children.

I am reminded of that one summer when I was about 11. We lived in a derelict old farm house that we patched up with paint and elbow grease. This one particular summer, my older sister was gone for the whole summer, my parents worked from 6am to 6pm. I was fairly new to the shitty little Alberta town we were in and any friends I did have were all gone for summer vacations. I was completely alone.

Although I'm sure I did, I can't remember feeling loneliness. All I remember is the routine I created:

TV: The Alan Thicke Show, Welcome Back Kotter, and a few others. Those were my morning shows. After that, I would spend some time with our dog outside, playing with him. I would climb the tree I named Herbert and read. I would visit the horses when they let me. I would wander the farm aimlessly.

In the afternoon, I would bake chocolate chip cookies for my parents and wait for their return.

Same thing everyday for about 6 weeks of that summer. To this day, it was/is the most memorable summer I had. It was/is so full of sweet moments that I can't name or put my finger on, but I suppose they were all created by a deep sense of acceptance. Acceptance that I had no one and nothing to do.

It was a beautiful discovery that I didn't know I had made until many years later.

I find myself at this moment again. I am at the starting line of having no one and, outside of work, nothing to do.

Weekends come and I take myself for a bike ride or walk into town to get groceries - things that will get me out of the house and take up time. In each of these, I bask in the beauty of walking or riding, being alone doesn't bother me at all; but, all the same, it echoes aloneness - as if I have somehow failed to have a life.

My 11 year old self gave me insight. I know that this alone time, no matter how odd it can feel, is rich in gifts. Gifts that will include some amount of personal struggle to see, like the hike on a mountain to witness the sunset. I will get there.

The acceptance of aloneness being the key, the key being the beauty.

Beauty being love, joy, connection, light, laughter
Success so that when my work week is over, I can leave it behind and experience my life, my beauty.

Strength because I think I'm going to need it.