Protection

Someone might come across this blog and think that it is just about my obsession with some guy because that is all I write about. But it is just all I write about here.

This is the place where I defuse all those thoughts and feelings about love and sexuality and how that compliments or interferes with my life - and, sure, maybe I am a little obsessed with that.

I have a great interest in love, specifically my connection to love and the humans I experience it with.

I'm intrigued by my motivators. I am intrigued by my decisions. My feelings.

Today, I feel like I am coming out of my obsession with the Greek. It's losing its hold just a little bit. The fantasy still exists, the lure of the fantasy beats as much as ever. The love still sits on the precipice of life being breathed into it.

BUT. He still resists that... I think.

I have my  scientist/anthropologist pants on now, studying humanity; it is not me pining for a young man that is ultimately just using me. Not that I haven't been that most of this relationship, it's just not who I am right now.

He's in my dreams so much more lately, almost every night compared to never. This morning, he was sitting in front of me, we were sitting across from each other and he said, "I'm thinking about you" and I nodded. Then, as if reading my mind or facial expression that I understood he was thinking about me sexually, he corrected me and said, "No, I'm thinking about you."

He was thinking about how close he felt to me.

That exists between us. It exists between the lines. It's lovely, and I love those moments most of all.

Last time we were together, 2 nights ago, we fucked like carnal humans ripping the flesh from one another. Thinking about it makes me swell with excitement. That kind of fucking feeds a part of me that is so happy to be alive to experience it. It's powerful and delicious.

It does need to be balanced though. He will need to allow himself to love me - like he did in my dream.

And if I truly want to give him what he wants, watching me have glorious orgasms (ugh), I will have to find my voice.

We're both going to have to let go of something we hold dear.