Transparent

So, things are good and okay. Nothing bad happened. I cried a bit - for what, I'm not sure. It's possible that I've worked myself up into a lather thinking about if and how I might tell the Greek a bit about my past so as to make myself accountable around the orgasm and my journey to learn how to let go and have them for real.

If I don't tell him, I'm forced to faking it because I know I wont have one (because I think I don't know how to let go enough nor do I feel comfortable saying what works and doesn't work for me) and I don't want him to think he's not good at it. And it brings him such happiness to see me have one.

A friend of mine and I had a good discussion last night, mostly I was giving him my blah, blah, blah on how to resurrect your soul, but I managed to tack on my dilemma at the end, asking for his take on whether or not I should tell the Greek this shit about me - or is this something I could do on my own without bringing up the downer subject of my past.

He suggested I just say it, that I deserve to have a full chance of taking this opportunity to get this last part of me back.

I was able to get back the art of performing sex without attaching it to my past. I own that now. However, I have never learned how to receive sex. I believe I was happy to have partners that didn't push for that, that left me alone. Now, I've told the universe that I was ready to do what it takes to have something sweet in my life - who fucking new it would bring this shit up.

Being transparent with the Greek about this makes me accountable to me. It lets him in on my secret so I can't hide behind it anymore.

the thought of it makes my hands sweat:

What if he thinks I'm too damaged
What if it makes our sweet bubble too real
What if he thinks I'm gross
What if he thinks I like our dirty/rough sex because I'm used to being a sex slave (ugh, that's gross)
What if he wants to take care of me
(seriously, my hands are sweating)
What if he doesn't want to take that type of project on
What if...

But, in the end, I think my friend is right. I owe it to me to be transparent (and thus accountable) to see if I can take this last piece of my sexuality back. I think I need to take this chance and let the chips fall where they may.

I will be a humble, poised Queen, and I will reveal myself.

Obviously, I will let you know how that goes.