The Gift

It's been seven months, well eight as of February, that we have been together. The last three of those have been on a committed level. Committed seems like a big word, but I don't know how better to say that since November we've both admitted and surrendered to us.

Last week, he said, "You are my woman" and then something about, "I guess I need to..." what? What did he say exactly? It was something about solidifying that or stating that... I wish I could remember.

Between that and him once asking me if I would every consider getting remarried... I really wonder what that means to him.

I have imagined him asking me to marry him. I've imagined him simply putting a box with a ring in it on the table at a work lunch and asking me to marry him. And to my surprise, the answer is a whole hearted yes.

Yes, yes, and yes.

I do not understand any of this, and I think that's right. We've done every step of this one day at a time, one second at a time, and we've made it this far.  I think we can trust that.

Now, I'm not saying that he's going to come out in the next little while and ask me to marry him - I mean what would that mean for living arrangements and all that.

What would that mean to our individual independence that we both enjoy? But it does make me wonder what stating that I am his (and he is mine) would look like to him. It makes me excited and happy.

I love him. For reasons that seem completely out of my mind and directly originating from my soul, I love him. It's like there was never a choice.

I can't help but look back at my relationship with my partner of twenty years and think, "Was it the same with him? Was it not the same?"

I remember feeling giddy with him and in love, but there was a struggle around it, a bit of a push to make it continue and grow. There wasn't the same nakedness that I feel now, the same coming undone to each other: exposing vulnerabilities, exploring, enjoying... it was not the same.  It was not as simple and real as this feels.

It's beautiful and I am humbled by it. I want to respect it and let it in.

It is a gift, of that I am sure.

My past relationship suddenly seems surreal. If it didn't have this, what did it have? What drew me, what kept me? I guess the fact that I didn't know that this could exist coupled with the fact that I wouldn't have let someone like The Greek into my life back then. I don't understand, now, why I wouldn't have. What was I repelled by? Someone who wanted to be nice to me? To please me?

Maybe I wasn't ready to be pleased. Maybe now I am. I am definitely way more open to being a more complete version of myself.

It feels surreal to really say good-bye to those twenty years and everything I thought they would encompass. In all the times we've split up or taken breaks, neither of us have completely let go - and now it's time to. Now, it's really time.

I feel like I let him down, let us and the dream of us, down. And I feel bad that I don't feel more bad about it. All I can do is hope that he sees or finds the gift in this for him - for I'm sure that 1) it exists and 2) I am not it.

Exploring the Playing Field

Places inside of me. They are soft. Perhaps tender is the right word. They are scared. Perhaps trepidatious is the right word.

Love. What is it? Will it last? Does it simply continue to continue based on its core existence, will it withstand the bumps?

Attraction. Where did it come from? From love?

I get afraid that now that we've given into it, he will lose it. I wonder if he thinks the same things?

I worry that if I give him all of me the thrill of not quite knowing will eradicate the attraction.

Bottom line, I worry. Worry that it will end (if he sees all of me?).

I know it will end someday, I'm not worried about that. I worry that it will end before it ever really started - like it has a million times since the day it started.

I worry that if I'm not on my A game, he will see this as a flaw. That if he is in love, he is in love with the A game version. I don't know, that seems silly, but then again, not.

Bottom line, I'm vulnerable - my body is saying... this can't be good. It's not my usual controlled vulnerability where I direct what happens next.

So, in those moments, I have to be prepared to lose everything - and my heart says, wait, no. Not just yet... I like the sweetness. 

Don't let him see the fear just yet, it might repel him. Just shut down, disappear a little bit, hide until its safe.

Like it happened about a year ago now, this weekend I saw him and my entire body just said, "I love him" and I don't know why. I don't know what it is other than just the core of him. And perhaps I just don't understand that.

Admitting that I love him makes me vulnerable.

I know he has had this same fear, he has said things like, and I paraphrase:

Something about being too much, too affectionate, too... to and how this has lost him girls, maybe... His brother has taught him to hold back, play it cool, because he can pour it on thick. So, I know he's felt the same thing.

And just before he said the "I love you" he said what he liked about me was that he didn't have to hide who he was, the affectionate side, he could be himself and I wouldn't take off.

And until now, I've been playing it cool and distant because I, too, know those rules. So, now, do I take that armour off? Will he still be attracted to me if I show weakness?

....

So, hours later. I ended up messaging him to say, "Sorry if I was off, not on my a-game today" and he called and we talked, and I was like, "I have nothing..." and he laughed.

I told him I was slightly emotional because it was my time and he just... understood and we just were and... I loved him for it.

Ugh. What is going to happen?

A Boring Update Kind Of Post

Feel free to skip this in its entirety.

A lot has seemed to transpire in the last few days. Most of it does not beg to be written, in fact, there is only one thing that really ever begs to be written,  however I feel it important-ish to make note of the following:

1) I told my former partner (of twenty years) that I have physically moved on. Due to the fact that we are such great partners/pals as a separated couple and the fact that I know he feels he will love me eternally, it was important to let him know the one deal breaker for him: I have had/am having sex with another man.

He's fucked up about it. SOMEHOW, after everything, 2 separations, numerous discussions, couples counselling, subtle and not-subtle (I find myself wishing I would come home and you would tell me your gay...) statements - he thought that it was likely just a matter of time until I would come back to him.

He figured I would go and explore the world on my own and find out that home with him, on the couch as he played computer games, was the one (and only) place that I truly wanted to be.

This is day 2 with no cigarette, and I find the above notion, well, insulting.

It's almost as if he never truly listened to a word I said and in the end I stopped really trying and just gave him the rope with which he, metaphorically speaking,  hung himself.

I feel pain that he feels pain, but I don't feel sorry for him. I feel more like, "Dude, really? Now you get it? It took me having sex with someone else for you to get the pain and emptiness I felt?" with a meh-shrug to go along with it.

2) Through very regrettable circumstances, I've come into just enough money to treat myself to a little age removal. I am beside myself with excitement and I hope it takes just the right amout of edge off that I look 35. Yesterday as I was getting my eyelashes tinted, the girl asked me, "do you have grandkids?" Clearly, this opportunity can't come quick enough.

The Greek doesn't seem to be too concerned about my youthful spirit (and body) but aging face deal, but I can't wait to appear even a little fresher and less old/tired.

3) Going snowboarding with the work crew this coming weekend. My skills are minimal, they could be awesome if I had the time and money to spend on the mountain. The Greek will be there, he has cockily suggested that I wanted him to hang out with me. I told him, "Absolutely no way, nu uh." I don't want to feel self conscious,  I want to learn. It came out later that it is, in fact, him that wants us to hang on the hills together and board. I will, most certainly, let you know how that goes.

I will not be going into work this week and will not be seeing him until the mountain this weekend,  at which time we will be surrounded by work people. This means a whole week not touching him, not nuzzling my face in his neck, not feeling his body behind mine, not spending a whole lot of physical energy going between making love and fucking. We've come far enough now that the loss of this week will be felt and will likely drive me crazy.

4) I'm 46 and had my tubes removed ~4 years ago after an ectopic pregnancy. My period is now 15 days overdue. I have either entered some form of menopause or am miraculously pregnant. Will be gong this morning to buy a pregnancy test whilst feeling incredibly silly.

That, in a nutshell, is it! Thanks for hearing me out.

The Orgasm Pressure

I told the universe that I was ready to do what it takes to open myself up to enjoying this experience fully - which means sexually more than anything else.

Last night was so hard to achieve orgasm. Why? I was so frustrated, it was right there the whole time but I couldn't see it through because I was in my head. My so stupid head. I don't even really know what it is that I'm saying or doing to myself - but - I think most of it simply comes down to feeling the pressure to cum.

Yeah, just quickly scanned to internet and concluded - it's the pressure. The universe is making me talk to him about this and be more outgoing in sexual communication, which makes me a little vulnerable in speaking up, but it's not, thank god, due to some deep seeded, fucked up, past trauma - because I am so over that.

I own me. Not past experiences or people. I want to own him and I. I'm ready.

Bring it on, Universe.

I love fucking him. I love being fucked by him. I love laying with him.

I love him. I want to fully enjoy ever second of this, inside and out.

Release the Cats!

He said that what is different with me is that he isn't afraid to give 100% of himself. Up and till this point, he'd made a point of playing it cool in other relationships, on the advice of his brother at some point or another, "sometimes you have to be an asshole." With me, he didn't feel that being himself would scare me away - he could be his affectionate self that - didn't I just say - girls his age just didn't seem to want or appreciate. That was a bit odd that we were on that same page.

He was expressing himself because he spent some time over the holidays thinking about us, it, him. He said that he'd had a chance to be with someone else over the holidays but he chose not to, because after reviewing the option, he came to the conclusion that he would rather be with me than that person. When asked how this came about, he said, "I went on a couple of dates with this girl I've been interested in, and decided -"

"Wait, what?" I asked. "You asked someone out on a date?"

Of course, this was the rule, I wasn't stopping him from meeting other people. We were/are a fling.

I moved away from him, made space between us. It stung. My eyes clouded up. I was - sad.

"Don't" he laughed softly, "Don't move away from me, I'm telling you this for a reason..."

which was: he went on these exploratory dates, nothing physical happened, and he realized that she had nothing he was interested in and this was due to the fact that, and he said, "I love you."

My heart did that thing that hearts do when they hear those words, from one heart to another, like it's a different planet and only the two of you exist, it flooded with warmth and this other intensity that should be, and is, indescribable.

I knew this moment had been on the tip of his tongue, I had been expecting it and even practiced how it would feel and my response, if any. Could I do it? Could I return it? I'm notorious to myself for not being able to, even though I feel it. Those are big words.

I searched myself for a while, the words were there but I couldn't release them to the wild, they jumped back and forth in my mouth creating captured breaths that I swallowed. Until, finally, I whispered, "I love you, too," followed by "and it scares the hell out of me."

"You and me both" he said with a small laugh.

So there we go, the cat - as it were - is out of the bag. Two strangers with years between them embark on spiritual and sexual journey of exploration.

It seems anticlimactic in a most beautiful, soft way. Again, indescribable.

And the words, I love you still seem a bit foreign, like I haven't quite committed to them, as if somehow it impedes my independence if I do. I'm not sure what that is. I'm probably not doing myself any favours not admitting that a part of it is the fear that he will meet someone his own age and fall in love. Someone who is not... old. Ugh.

But I don't want to focus on those things, I just want surrender and explore this something sweet, this something that I will not write the future of so that it can write itself with words of love and presence.

Remembering his saying those words to me still flushes my body with warmth and a want to capture that moment. It's like two ends of a line come around to meet each other to create a circle. Which reminds me...

at one point he asked, "do you ever think you would get remarried?"

Now, I'll not say I know exactly why he asked that - nor do I think he knows - but I will say that for a very long time now I have imagined him simply placing a box with a ring in it on the table during a work lunch, as if it were the most normal thing amongst people that have no idea that we're exploring one another, and asking "Will you marry me?"

My answer is always yes.

Nerves

Breathe. Breath nerves, breath.

I am in my hometown for a few days for work, not much new there, just one extra day. It feels like a new life though, as if I could imagine living here full time again. Ew.

I like my little small town.

I was out on my own for some dinner last night, reading a book and drinking (what turned out to be one glass too many) wine, and as some people were getting up to leave, discussing the cold, I injected myself in the conversation to agree on the horribleness of the cold wind. The girl looked at me as if I had done the unthinkable. It reminded me of how snobby this town can be and sent a nasty chill down my spine - the arrogant look in her eye. I don't want to live here.

My little Greek friend continues with his complete 180. He's funny. He seems to correct himself differently now when he thinks he's said something stupid, he seems more self conscious. It's kinda sweet. It seems he doesn't realize that I already know him, I've already accepted his oddness. In fact, it's the very reason I've been attracted to him.

It's odd though, I would never had the room in my mind or heart for someone like him before. It seems very strange to me that I am attracted to his very essence, his core, now. I've only allowed what I consider men to be in my romantic life. It's not that he is not a man, it's just, he's more a person then just the picture of a man. He is himself and that is more than just subscribing to being a man in this society.

I'm curious about why I never allowed myself to be with people like this before. I'm curious if it has something to do with where I am in my life and the experience behind me, which is to say... is it my age? Are younger women turned off by him because he is in the moment and the moment doesn't consist of making up stories about a perceived life together? And him and I are here only because there was no story, just what was and is. Day by day.

He will come over tonight and, in the moment, we will devour each other slowly. Sweetly. In the moment, it will feel just fine and good. It will be the moment where my skin and heart can stop holding its breath, having been waiting for this moment to return.

In the moments prior to this moment, I feel butterfly nerves. I think it is because he is real and I am inviting him into my world - my closed off little world where only a handful of people have been.

I Am Sick?

It's been a while since I've had a cold and I am doubting that this is one. I feel like shit. I also ate some questionable raw tuna last night; that can't be helping.

Outside of feeling physically disgusting though, it's a good day. The holidays are officially over.

I think that we subconsciously celebrate this more than "it's a new beginning!" I feel so relieved that everything can just get back to normal without all this forced love.

I don't want to be a pessimist, but I feel very annoyed with it all. It's exhausting.

I'm trying to drink my coffee and I feel like vomiting, subtle cold + food poisoning?  

I would like to work on some projects today, sculpt and discharge a chapter of writing unto the world, but I just don't know if I have it in me. That is also annoying. I don't do under the weather well. I'm used to feeling energetic and charged, I have neither of those today.

I would like to make my body well. It's telling me to rest though - I can hear it.

I don't want to rest though - I want to run. I hope this goes away soon.