Live Long and Prosper

It is a truly strange feeling I have these days. There is a sadness that sits rather beautifully on my heart. An aloneness. An awareness of being alone in the world.

I suppose because I am quickly approaching a time where my kids will be on their own and I will be living a professional life (that I always strived for) in my home town - I'll be like I was 23 or so years ago (less the profession). Only, it's different because I am different.

A new chapter, a big chapter, is beginning. I can feel that I don't fit where I am anymore. I may not fit there either, I may not find a community, but I do have hope.

The Greek and I have watched movies together over the phone two nights in a row, spending the whole night together, talking afterwards. It's... interesting in a people way. A study of people, of me, of him, of this place we are experiencing.

It appears that we simply enjoy each others company and we're both alone, so... why not? I don't feel like I'm at the same place where I have delusions of what we will or could be. Although, of course, my mind can't help but see possibilities, given how we are together and the connection that we seem to have - how could we not be together?

But, I seem to have grown past that, accepted its current state and have a finer appreciation for it - because getting close to being "together" was scary as hell.

I honestly feel like I don't want to be with someone in that way, not right now. As much as my deeply romantic heart wants to tell a story of the Greek and I, my body knows that odds are against that and I will likely have to cut my losses more than bask in the glow of a sweet love.

But, he loves me. I can feel that. I don't even think he realizes how much and how deeply... sometimes I'm afraid that it is me that is going to hurt him when he changes his mind. I told him last night, "You know, when you tell me that you don't want to be with me, I have to believe you."

And I said that because sometimes I think he's testing love without realizing it. And now, he's told me to go, left me no other option, and when I go, when I meet another lover, he'll have yet another perspective to internalize.

When is said that, he replied simply, "I know, " he said.  And maybe he does know, but something in me tells me he doesn't quite. I realize this is kinda of a bullshit thing to say, but there are not many people like me, and if you fall in love with me (and I you), it has a very long shelf life. At least, that is my experience so far. And, I suppose, I kind of worry - that he's letting me go with no understanding of the loss when I finally do go. And that when I'm gone, I'm gone.

But, he's young, so he'll have much time to process it and, eventually, meet someone else and live a full life with them.

And in the end, he's probably right, we'll just look at each other and smile: it was good, it was beautiful, I'm okay, I release you.

Maybe I'm totally wrong on this one, my spidey sense thrown off, once again, by the lure of the hardcore romantic. The story teller.  Long live the story teller.

I'm sure I've written drunk at some point in my life before, but I don't recall it. So, now feels like the first.

We spent two very lovely nights together. I came. We pretty much came together - which is what he wanted, he said. We had breakfast together this morning, a morning after spending the night, loving each other through the night in that non committal way,  - in public.

What is this most beautiful thing? Nothing and everything. Just for now. Just in this moment.

Like a gust of wind.

Muse

So, ummm... we're back in yet another version of us: two people who deeply appreciate each other as friends, people, and lovers.

I feel wholly good with this. Frankly, I didn't know what I was going to do without the part time sex, contact, and intimacy.

He came over last night, and we just were. We fucked, we made love, and my body let go of the breath it didn't know it was holding.

We agreed we are temporary and that he is looking for someone permanent in his life. He encouraged me to do the same, siting that I would feel a big void when he does find someone. I told him he was right - and that it was not that my eyes were closed to meeting other people, but rather that is not my priority in the same way it is his. Which is to say, unless it happens naturally, I am simply going to have to face the void that hits me when he moves on, because where his priority is a relationship, my priority is writing (and it must be). And then I told him that I believed he was my muse. Perhaps, I have never been closer to the truth.

He said, "I can't lie, I miss you, a lot." And I missed him, too. I missed his body. I missed his hands. It's strange the things you can fall in love with - I love his hands.

I love the love that we share during sex, and I'm in awe that it can exist outside of the context of a relationship. There is something very pretty about that.

In our last version, I was becoming very nervous about being in a relationship with him... it was going to kill it in me. I feel relieved that we are not going down that road and, perhaps, I just needed to see that for myself. He seemed to already know that.

He suggested we spend another night this week together ( ;) ).

I am relieved to have him back in this way. It allows me to have the intimacy and sex my body craves so that I can let that go and focus on the projects I am working on. To a degree, whether it is him or someone else, I need someone part time in my life where I can blow off that steam and feel satiated enough to not pine for it when I should be writing.

So, there it is. We'll see how long this round lasts and hope that it transitions kindly in each of our favours. Which means, universe, when it's time... I would like something pleasant and light, grown up and hot, to take its place.

More importantly, universe, I would ask to be part of a community that meets my mind and soul and allows me to grow as a writer.

The Frequency of Love

My body is humming with electricity. Fucking humming. We've talked more and longer in the last week than we ever have. He calls me, he wants me, he needs me, but he can't make sense of it. He's questioning everything in him right now: what he wants and what he thinks he should want.

He is seeing the things I tell him in other people's words, his world is breaking open, his perception is breaking open, his understanding of himself is unfolding.

In Jim Carey's video that he sent me, Jim says "You only ever have two choices, love or fear. Choose love. And don't ever let fear turn you against your playful heart."

I don't know where things stand, where he stands. I think he's questioning his reasons for not being with me while at the same time, staying adamant that we should not be together. Whether, in the end, that is because he is aware in himself that he simply does not love me enough to traverse being with someone so much older than him or if it really is just to ensure we salvage our friendship, I don't know. And may never know.

I had an experience the other day wherein I saw how sad it would be to lose him as my friend, the most specialist of friends, because my ego was hurt that I was not enough. It was awful. When I saw that that's what it could be like, it was like a I had a second chance to keep him close to my heart. Because, in the end, it would be devastating to lose him there. Once realized, I wanted to run to him and hug and kiss him and tell him everything was okay, he was free, I was free.

I couldn't run to him, so I told him over text. I set him and me free. He was grateful and wanted to hug me so tight. And in that moment, we were in the light of everything good. We were being shined upon. Two of the lucky ones.

And in that moment, my love and appreciation for him deepened.

And in the later moments,  when I lay on the couch and imagined his body so tantricly next to mine or when we talked on the phone and his voice, so deep and soft and pulling, was in my ear, I wanted him with all of me. Every cell in my body was reaching out to him, desire so thick I could chew it.

I am afraid that in his youth, he is enjoying playing with the fire, he is addicted to the passion in between, which is why we break every time that starts to wane.

I'm going for a reading today, and I am prepared to hear, "You're going to get hurt because he's not in a good place, he is simply addicted to the intensity of the moment."

I gave him this Rumi poem the other day:

Who makes these changes? 
I shoot an arrow right. It lands left. 
I ride after a deer and find myself 
Chased by a hog. 
I plot to get what I want 
And end up in prison. 
I dig pits to trap others 
And fall in 

 I should be suspicious 
 Of what I want.

I should note, the same goes for me. I adore this flame. I adore him for waking it up in me.

I can't see anyone else touching me the way he does.

I can imagine being with someone else, I can imagine falling in love with someone else, but I can't see that they will ever make me feel quite like this. This is like touching the middle of the soul.

I feel more in love with him today than I have ever felt. 

A deep love that's willing to let go if that's the way it has to be. 

Seriously.

I can't help but think this is not over (in some fairy tale in my mind, perhaps). In some place in him, he is in love with me and I him.

We went for tea yesterday and talked for over an hour about everything. At some points when I was talking, his hands were on the table, nearly pulling at it with the desire to touch or hold me.

For now though, he has completely quit me, like he has sugar in his diet. He is resolute and there will be no moving him.

Perhaps it's over forever. Perhaps it will evolve into a mature friendship. Perhaps it's wishful thinking on my part, to help ease the pain, to imagine a place where we come back together. Because, it's rare to find what we have in each other - at its simplest form, it's a deep appreciation of each other's spirits.

He talked about how he was really taking a look at the expected path of humans: find love, get married, have children, raise children.... and then what? He doesn't see that as a path he wants.

It does feel like he has to understand his decisions more, has to walk through a few more doors before he could really decide to be with me (or someone like me).

For my part, I think I needed to see that I really am willing to accept all of him, all his quirks, because I was unsure for a while there if I could.

So, yeah, I don't know. It still feels bigger than us, like there's a destiny of sorts still at play.

So, I will trust in love and abundance for now and let the wind blow where ever it blows. It's time for me to get to work on my projects and take myself seriously for a little while.

Maybe he will be just like the Misery period where when enough time passed, it all seemed like a silliness on my part and I had no desire to fall back into it.

Maybe it wont. Maybe the fact that we happened in real life makes it different.

This New Thing, Part II

We had a quick chat, it started with him asking how I was, "I'm all right" I said with a highly suggestive tone that I was not quite. So, he opened up the door. I said, "I just have a lot of questions, both from an emotional stand point and human curiosity."

I told him how I had been thinking about my position in all of this, how I was comparing it to me leaving my husband and how, potentially, my husband felt: confused, sad, hopeful that I would come back. And how, in comparison to my husband, I felt nothing but slight empathy for him - but there was no attraction or desire to be with him ever again.

Between the Greek and I, was I my husband in this scenario and the Greek was me? Was he that gone? That detached? That careless?

And in that same vein, was he that over it? And if so, how much of it was fear based and how much was it genuinely meh, I'm over it. Next thrill please!

And, in keeping with that, was it more so that excitement that he liked about us? Was he just after the roller coaster ride?

In the human interest side, how did he just turn it off? He has this way of cutting things off so... can't find the word... . So, absolutely. It's a little stunning. I can only think that in order for someone to be able to do that, as me with my husband, the love/attraction was just not there.

So, I got to say all these things, which is a majority of the need for me. He answered them - rather the same as he always has. Yes, some of it is fear based and, a probably equal portion, he also just wasn't as attracted enough anymore.

I felt better having said all my things, it was a load off my chest.

He let me know that he is potentially planning a trip in the fall, a 4-6 week trip to Greece. A part of my heart sunk. In some place in my heart, I had imagined us  travelling (sounds laughable now) somewhere like that. After I got over myself and given that I felt lighter having said all I wanted to - I was very happy at the idea of him doing that. Happy for him.

After saying all the words, I was able to see all his youth, his confusion. He's got a lot to sort out. He should go. I should not be in his way. I am a distraction.

I felt happier with the idea of not being his distraction and he mine. I felt lighter, more ready to gracefully let go of him.

At work, he still likes to be with me most of the time. Close to me.

At the end of the conversation, I said that it all happened so abruptly and weirdly. I told him that I am an intuitive person, and to me, this didn't feel done. And it doesn't, it's just that I see more clearly today that I have no idea what direction it will take to be done.

There is still something there that hasn't been crossed, the thing that we were supposed to give or be with each other. Maybe it will show itself in the greater space of not being with each other.

Maybe.. as with the misery portion of my life, enough time will pass that this strong connection I feel with another human will show itself as nothing more than that - a strong connection that I once felt. There was no deeper meaning. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Maybe, in the end, I'm just stuck on the hopeless romantic side of this stick.

It felt like love though. Even with the Misery dude, it felt like love, to me. And, I think it was love - as the Greek has said, a certain type of love. As in, a passing appreciation of another...

Perhaps it's just new territory to me. Forever new.

This New Thing

I don't love this new thing we've got "going on," where we're pals...

I don't know where I truly stand, but it feels like nowhere.

Why would I care? If someone is clearly side-railing me, why would I care? Other than the obvious ego stuff, that is.

I really don't get this. A part of me just wants to message him and say, ya know what? You're gonna hear my thoughts on this.... blah blah blah, but then, really? If he's really not there, what's the point? Just to confirm that he's really not there?

Fuck. me.

And, I know... we've been here before. So, fuck.me again.