Blood Red Moon

I'm creating distance, a buffer zone, between us. Or it's just there and I don't know how to close the gap and am too tired or apathetic to try. Meh, meh, meh. I don't care.

Maybe this is the beginning of the end and I just don't want to admit it. Maybe I just don't have time and space in my head enough for a relationship. I'm not... enthused at the prospect of love making. Not really. I think I'd rather be alone most of the time.

• I just want to get this book written, focus.
• Make sure my niece is cared for and loved, nurtured and growing, and keeping a relationship with her familiar that is positive
• Do my job well - deliver a smart and useable product
• Sculpt a bit.

Mayhaps, I would enjoy a movie with him from time to time.

Those 3.5 things. I just want to do those things as myself.

That's the pisser I think. I don't feel like I can be myself, truly, with the Greek. I'm holding a lot of who I am back from him because... I just don't think he gets it and I don't want to explain it because... see above points. Those are the only things I want to do. Get out of my way, please and thankyou.

I want a part time boyfriend I guess, and I don't happen to mind the warm roommate in my bed at night. I just don't want to feel responsible to a relationship - a building of a life  - I aint got no time for that.

I hope that I'm not taking advantage of gifts. And if the gift is that I do get a person who is content to have a part time girlfriend, I hope I can see that and rejoice in it for what it is.

Dear Universe, Gods, and Goddesses

Dirty Energy

Like I put some bad gas in my car, I feel like my soul is coughing and choking along. I'm angry.

I was fine up and until my landlady asked if I would like to pitch in for the firewood shed that her firewood guy built for 'us.' Only, it's a fixture at this house and I'm renting. Why the fuck would she ask me to pay for a portion of solid fixture of her house? It's like asking me to pitch in for renos.

Well, I'll tell you why (I think she would ask that). She's a penny pincher and she tries to squeeze dimes from anywhere she can, including asking people that she senses she can take advantage of ... for a small fee. In my mind, she has enough gal to be something like, "I'll put them in an awkward position where saying no makes you look like a bit of an ass...it's only $20" and this slight of hand towards insincerity has me wholly and completely incensed.

I believe I feel so strongly about this because I'm tired of people taking advantage of kindnesses, little tiny scratches that add up over time - and I'm starting to SPEAK UP. But that one was so small... that I didn't. And I'm mad at myself for not being clear.

This has spurned my slightly rabid, captured dog syndrome. Or, you know, large angry cat

First my sister, then my ex-coworker friend, my current full blown male ego coworkers, my thrifty landlord, my still emotionally developing sidekick (the Greek)...

Shitty parts of people and the world can fuck itself today. I'm not taking calls. 

Also, I have some PMS (Maybe!)

I came to write bullshit, and then I saw my last post where I declared I was going to stop meandering in bullshit. So, here we go with more of the same.

I would like to declare today as National Get Out of Your Head Day.

Walaa, it is done.

There is a lot of bullshit in my head. Lot's of balls in the air lately. I don't care for it. Here they are:

• I'm too busy
• Fuck off
• Leave me alone
• I want a cigarette
• Leave me alone
• Don't touch me

Today (it appears) I don't want a relationship. I don't want to care for any other adult.

Heres a thing...

The Greek likes to be a bit bossed around in the bedroom. He really likes he idea of a woman who demands he please her. He loves it. I get it.

I really, really do.

You know what I like in the bedroom though? Having sex with man.

Now, I'm as fun as the next gal and I like to indulge my mate. There are times where I'm more than happy to play the part and use him as my tool to get my way, and I even like the way it makes him come unglued. However, please refer to bullet points, now is not that time.

The last thing I want to do right now is get into character. Jesus, it makes me shudder thinking about it.

This in itself isn't the problem. Any bossy woman would just tell her wee man sex slave to buzz off, but this would involve me getting into character. I'm not a bossy woman. I am a woman who is wrought with thoughts and sticky notes of to do lists that are eating at my brain like termites.

What I think I would like to do right now is just fall down from the weight of all the things. What I'm trying to do is get the fuck out of my head - because it's National Get Out of Your Head Day.

The problem is that whiney me is afraid to tell him that I am, in fact, TOO MUCH WOMAN RIGHT NOW TO PLAY A PART FOR HIM SO that HE CAN FIRE HIS JOLLY ROCKETS. Also, I'm a little angry about the fact that I should have to tell him.

Also, I'm a little afraid that he will leave if I don't play the part more, and once I hear that thought or feel that fear, I converse with myself as follows:

"Well if he leaves because I don't want to actually be the one who is the slave sex by playing the dominate role that he requests then... well, GOOD RIDDANCE! Why don't you just leave now then? Let's just get this over with, shall we?"

and then...

"You know what?  This relationship is too much for me, I can't keep juggling things that are the things that make you stay. If your presence is conditional, then let's just break all the conditions now because I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THEM!!!!"

Ugh.

Can you see? The real problem is that I have not had this conversation with him. Only with me. And I become so frustrated that I end in the bulleted list.

The conditions of this relationship as I see them:

• Don't smoke (or do it so incredibly infrequently that I never notice)
• Be fun
• Be bossy
• Be sassy
• Have a gorgeous and tight bubble butt
• Long hair 
• Strive to eat healthy
• Indulge my fantasies once and awhile (like maybe once a week? *dimple grin + hopeful eyes)

Not horrible, right? Yeah, I thought it was doable too. Let's go through them, shall we? 

1. Extreme infrequent smoking
   Ugh, what does this mean? This is pretty relative. And why the fuck is someone telling me how much to smoke? For the record, I like to have 1-2 cigarettes a day. Sometimes it's more. 4 is a lot and I feel gross. I think if he knew that, he would be horrified and it would be a deal breaker, so I keep this horrible secret and have a whole regime of hand washing and breath mints. Also, I have fear and anxiety of being busted when I do smoke. Dudes, I'm almost 50 years old. What the fuck?
2. Be fun
   Obviously I'm naturally fun in the outside world. But also, I'm kind of a turtle. I like to crawl inside myself and do nothing. Which means I like to be quiet, have baths, knit, talk to myself, watch movies/tv
3. Be bossy
   I'm already kinda bossy; but I'm also, seriously, the chillest fucking person and I don't tend to give a shit about most things. Also, I expect people to know how to behave. Or, a better way of saying it, I enjoy being around people that know how to behave, like with emotional intelligence and shit. Outside of my natural bossy-lite, being more bossy seems like work. 
4. Be sassy
   Again, this is a natural trait but not all the time. Not when I'm in turtle mode (which is a good 50% of the time)
5. Tight bubble butt
   Sure, I want this too - but not as a condition to love, attraction,  and appreciation 
6. Long hair
   Ugh, whatever, he's just lucky I got tired of my bob finally. I have pretty hair. 
7. Strive to eat healthy
   I don't actually give a shit about this one. I run in the middle here, I think I'm good. 
8. Indulge my fantasies
   Ugh. Like I said... I dig this once in awhile. That he appears to need it? Get the fuck off my lawn, brah. 

I am a clusterfuck of angst, piss, and vinegar.

As soon as I see signs that he still loves me even though my hairs in a greasy ponytail and I have no make up on, I relax. But it doesn't last long, soon enough I convince myself that it's. just. a. matter. of. time until he bows out gracefully. SO JUST DO IT ALREADY. but don't actually?

I'm pretty sure I would miss him, despite how high maintenance he makes me.

With All Due Respect

Just going over the feelings of the day. Mornings are a bit fucked up because I have too much time to think and then feel. It's kinda bullshit.

My plan was to stop that, stop meandering the mire of useless thoughts and only move forward with functional actions. Don't stop to worry and fret over things that don't exist. That's tough when I have all this time in the quiet of a home.

I suppose some days I think that if the Greek wasn't here I would be more free to make noise and do stuff that was productive, not just sitting and being quiet which means scrolling the internet.

It doesn't actually follow that if he wasn't here I wouldn't do that, it appears to be something I'm just telling myself to justify the idle action.

I don't like my inner self in the morning. Sometimes. I think too much.

I feel too much, feelings like: I don't want what I have. Which means being responsible for a small person and, to some extent, the feelings of an adult male. I just want them both to see that, within reason, they are the makers of their own domain - within these walls  that we share. We are all responsible for our own happiness and part of that is making sure we treat each other well.

That's it. That's all. Everyone figure out your shit, because I'm over here figuring out mine. And I don't want to be doing it either.

How do I stop diving into feelings of despair:

• When I feel emotionally exhausted
• When I feel mentally exhausted
• When I feel physically older and a weaker (less energetic)

I suppose the first step is to stop denying that I am all of those things. The next step would be to take care of those things in the proper order.

Which is to say it's likely to feel like failure if I try and dive into working out when I'm mentally, emotionally exhausted to give it the physical energy it requires to feel successful.

I want to be a little angry at the adults around me that are off loading their laundry. I want to simply kick their laundry to the curb. I don't have cycles to do your laundry and I'm prepared to be selfish.


So fucking there.

With all due respect, fuck off.