Sure. I'm angry deep down inside that my mother is slowly dying. The stages of grief, perhaps. I'm getting a head start.
I'm also angry in general. Perhaps at myself or perhaps directly with my partner. What once brought me smiles and joy now brings me frustration and dismay.
Is it me, I wonder? Have I failed again? Am I self sabotaging... again?
Maybe he has a learning disability. It's entirely possible. But, I don't know this for sure, and what I see is someone who appears capable not really trying to be smart or accountable or grown up or self aware or self sufficient.
At work, I've known for sometime that he
uses me as a way to understand the work he is doing or could be doing. When he does outreach to customers he'll ask me to proof his email (he's not especially good with the words) and, mostly, I've stopped what I'm doing to tweak his correspondence. The other day, he asked me to read his email and once I did, I said something like, "Yeah, it's good. You could just tweak this part, maybe say it like
yadda yadda" and he responded, "Could you just write that out?" with a little bit of an annoyed tone.
Are you fucking kidding me? Clearly, I've done myself a disservice by doing this very thing in the past, but now he's come to expect it?
In our job, our place of work, I have a monumentous project and he has make-work projects, a position he put himself into because he, ultimately, didn't like that I ended up leading the main project and he didn't agree with the way I was doing it, so we hired a new designer and he built himself a role of researcher.
Great. Only -
ugh- only... so-many-things-here.
The gist of it is - he doesn't know what he's doing with himself. He needs direction but he only wants it in the way that makes it appear as if he didn't get it from someone else? Sort of? He asks your (my) opinion and then promptly argues against it so as to give himself a voice.
Yeah, that's a big one. And, he's so far up his own ass on this behaviour, and so young, that explaining the possibility of this behaviour would be like explaining algebra to a second grader - knowing- that their life
style depended on it.
The opposite of this happens at home. At home, he is saccharine.
Kiss kiss, snuggle, "you're so cute," kiss kiss.
Meanwhile, I am longing to be with someone that engages me and/or is self contained. He is
not self contained. He is smeared all the fuck over the place, like jam carefully spread right to the crust of the bread. There is no corner unjammed. And the engagement is mostly me explaining the concepts of algebra and the applications of algebra in life, over and over again.
 |
| Boop! |
I keep thinking back to the beginning, what was so different in the beginning that I was so attracted to him? He seemed more like a.... a man. He knew what he wanted and where he was going.
And now, he's kind of drowning - maybe - and hanging on to me as a lifeline. But when it becomes obvious that he's pulling me underwater and I look at him, he lets go and says "What? No, I'm not doing that, I've got my own personal floating device right here."
"No, you were using me, you were grabbing my legs."
"No" he says, "maybe I did for a second but that was just to try and help you."
"What? I didn't need help..." I reply
"Why are you so stubborn?" he would say, "You don't have to be so independent, it's okay to get help."
"But... I don't need help
swimming" or walking or, you know, basic human functions.
As I write this, I see that there is a bit of (he-comes-by-it-honestly) gaslighting going on. He's trying to cover up or hide his feelings of inadequacy within me. And, again, his emotional intelligence is in its infancy. And this
possible learning disability where he can't seem to retain a lesson mitigates any progress you make explaining something. The next day, he seems to have forgotten, his mind has reset.
How do you explain to someone that they're not being smart and not trying hard enough to find themselves. Isn't that something that they have to come to themselves based on the consequences of their actions?
Yet... YET! He's clever enough to find ways to use me to cover up things he doesn't want to face.
Now, it gets worse; not only am I engaging in some codependency here, my employer is too.
If I had to hazard a guess, my lovely, clever, funny, sexy man has found a way, through out his whole life, to get people to "help" him get to the next goal post. His mom, his brother, his dad, his friends, peers, luck, and now me. As well, he's learned to apply his genuine charisma (the jam) in a way that is genuinely loveable, he then becomes indispensable in
other areas of your life, areas that are not quite adjacent to the reason he showed up there, but... seemingly helpful nonetheless?
My employer would likely,
is likely refusing to let him go because he loves him and has very genuine affection for him. He contributes to a zaney, loveable culture at our work. He's basically tenured based on his personality and how he, occasionally,
brings people together, not because of the work he produces.
As for me, in the beginning he fired me up, attracted me, made me feel sexy and like a woman who was with a man. I feel a bit like a mom or sister now, always trying to help him figure shit out, but I keep him around as a partner because he chops wood and cleans the house- so that's good, right?
So this is what is angering me, that I am at this juncture and I don't want to be. Do I:
1) tell him what isn't working and why and *we* work on it?
We? Really?
2) just leave (eventually) as gracefully and lovingly as possible.
Let me be clear (with me) here, I was very upfront that I did not want a marriage. We did not enter this housing partnership under the terms of marriage. We entered it as two adults who enjoyed each others company and could make really good use of cheaper rent if we cohabitated, i.e. roommates that have sex when and as they want (because that never goes wrong and there's no way to fall into a marriage like environment when you love each other first and roommate second.
I am so (not) smart).
So, my question at the beginning:
Is it me, I wonder? Have I failed again? Am I self sabotaging... again?
Well, that just sounds ridiculous and un-empowered for a woman of my age and experience. This is how life goes, plain and simple, this is
a cycle of life (and love). He is not unloveable, however now that the shine of good behaviour that is the beginning of a relationship has worn off, we are left with seeing each other in the real. At this stage, you will either still like each other or not. There is no failure. Just facts.
We are just insects. There is no magic. Magic is just truth with sparkles.
Self sabotaging. Ha! At this time in life. Hu-Larious.
