Gold Jerry, Gold!

Okay, so, here we are. It's 2020.

I feel good this morning. The gale wind shifted from inside of me to outside of me and nature is briskly ransacking the trees. I stepped outside into the morning darkness and watched the trees move for the first time in weeks. It looked like it probably felt good for them, being ransacked, having stood stock still for so long. The wind was pushing through them and I could imagine them saying, "Oh thank god. Finally...I can move."

My partner is still in need a few adjustments. He is a bit too much like a happy untrained puppy when you walk in the door. He wants to kiss and touch me constantly. Every time I walk into a room it's like I've just gotten home. That's not right. I think he feels neglected.

Well, you know, there's not much I can do about that. He didn't feel neglected all summer long. He went about his business, was always out and about, and when we decided to do things together we just did it. Now, in the winter, I'm the centre of his world. To which I say....

imagine that's a puppy

It's a small thing, I think. A trainable thing. A thing that we can talk about and I can let him know that it's not a good thing for me to change my personality to fit his seasonal behaviour. That's all I want to say. I do not want to feel responsible for another adults happiness. 

I do want to share happiness; I want to share love and attraction too. But share is different than being the source of. 

So, without a lot of ado, I feel that is a conversation we will have and a line in the sand that I will draw. I just freed up a large portion of mental real estate with my niece moving out and I intend to exercise the expanse l e i s u r l e y.

Kudos to him for doing that whole year with my niece though - he does deserve a round of applause for his patience and fortitude. Good, good man. 

Let's talk about this mess with my sister and the change that has unfolded with me not having her daughter anymore. 

-O H  M Y  G O D-

What an unbelievable relief 

What a great way to end a year and start a new one. When I talk to her now and she cries "thank you soooo much, I'm soooo sorry...." 1) I can just cut her off and say "well it's all over now" and 2) I can see the subtle gross manipulation of sucking me into her dark world where she promises she "wont be like our dad" when she's exactly like him right now. Those sorry's were sick little unconscious tactics and queues for me to feel her pain. They were fucking maddening. 

As I look back on this year, having to be connected to her was awful. I honestly have some measure of PTSD and when I'm around street people (I work above a parole office) who rant and yell their pain and injustices for all the world to hear, my body goes ridged and my stomach turns - for serious. It's her. 

Being able to imagine my niece with her dad, living a normal annoyed kid life with no need for interference is so nice, unbelievably nice; because it means that I don't have to fight for and with my sister to make sure her daughter is with family, because she is! It means I can let go of my sister and let her make whatever choices she wants - because she is an adult  - her choices have nothing to do with me.

read: fuck yeah

I am free

It was a lot of work I did in 2019. A lot of mental work. Pushing forward while I had the dead weight of my sister tied to me. 

I have to keep saying this so that I realize what I am mending in my heart, mind, and soul. I took a beating last year and this year I'm going heal. I learned: 

• That my sister is definitely our dad
• I have to let go of my sister as I did our dad
• I will support and understand that her children will let go of her too
• As our dad, she is allowed to live the life she chooses
• I am not an asshole if I let her go
• I am not responsible for her
• I already fought for my independence from that way of life, I don't need to fight again
• I want to prioritize the good, healthy work of raising myself up into the clean air
• I want to tune the frequency of my soul - there it is

I don't want to apologize for taking the space I need to do this. Everyone around me is AN ADULT. If they need to make an adjustment to their life because of how I choose to execute mine, they can - and they can figure that out for themselves. It's plain and it's simple. And, it's glorious. 

It's 2020 and I... am free

Finally, I can move.