Sexual Contentment? You Don't Have It.

I don't know what to say about my relationship. I'm bored? He must be bored too.

I'm not unhappy at all. I'm content. But I'm also content not to have sex. I'm content to cuddle and kiss - but, I don't care for sex. I have no desire for sex. If I feel the need of an orgasm, I can just quickly do that for myself. It seems much more efficient. I wonder how normal this is; as in, I think it's quite normal.

I think it will come back naturally at some point. Maybe?

I really enjoy being on my own when I am, but that's also because my over all need for companionship is being met. If it wasn't, being alone would be lonely. But I dream of having my own apartment. BUT I also like that I'm not paying through nose for a place and that I can share the burden of high living costs. This allows me a lifestyle.

All of this to say - things are perfect and I believe I am not appreciating that and, perhaps, missing struggle in my life? Creating struggle? Meh, I don't know. 

I feel a bit bad that we're not hyper sexual, but then, he doesn't seem to mind. My brain stirs up feelings of guilt that I'm not doing my job however and an invisible sex clock ticks loudly behind my back: doom, doom, doom it ticks. It ticks doom because I'm happy in this currently asexual relationship and I don't want that to change.

I like having a companion to share things without opening up my body to his fluids. ya know?

So, I find myself pushing him away a bit in anticipation of his needs.

Also, I want to be on my own, in my own world 60-70% of the time and then we meet up for dates and stuff. Perhaps that's where living together has killed the excitement. We work and live together. And... this was my doing. I forced this a bit. I encouraged it. We were acting like we live together but we had separate houses, it was a struggle to go back and forth, it was annoying "making time" to just hang out and watch a movie. Wouldn't it just be easier if we lived together and didn't have to make a big deal out of whose place we would go to? And, it's true, this is much more sustainable. It's just that sustainable also brought about mundane. Le sigh.

Perhaps I'm just not trusting this type of contentment? I'm pushing at, poking it from all angles, turning my back on it, calling it a lier.

Maybe I just need to exercise my independence somehow. Maybe that's the work I can do to balance what feels imbalanced to me. Maybe that means throwing out the sex is part of your living arrangement-job clock.

Yeah, that statement feels right. That clock is taking up a lot of mental real estate. I'll have to address the bungie cord the clock is attached to. Each time I come to this conclusion and chuck the clock, it eventually bounces its way back into place.

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Uh... update: this is the reason I feel discontented with the sex. Open eyes.