Blue January

It must have been a rough month because I posted like a mad woman. I hope it was just a January thing. I hope it I can leave it behind me like a slug trail that slowly disappears. I hope the spring washes it away.

Where I live, we don't see sun, it would seem, for approximately three months, maybe four depending on how February goes. It's truly striking to me how much of an affect this has. It's entirely possible that once the sun peeks back out and flowers start to bloom and I can hop on my bike with shorts on to get myself to work, that you, the never present reader (that nonetheless, keeps me honest and accountable) will not hear a peep from my disguise. Let's hope so.

I just sat in my morning coffee routine and scrolled stupid facebook for about an hour. It was an absolute waste of time "reading the paper" and slowly filling with anxiety that is provoked by the monotony of endless human waste.

ugh

On Tuesday, I went on behalf of my sister to what will likely be the last meeting regarding my niece as she settles in living with her father. In that meeting, as I attempted to advocate for my sister after I heard that "there have been reports of drunkenness and possible drug use in the community" I came to a new level of clarity. I began to ask for proof of these reports. If they were going to base a non-contact order on these reports, shouldn't they supply proof? But then I realized how stupid that was. Images of our father's drunkenness flashed before me, his slurred verbally violent behaviour and her own outbursts of the same, I knew what this social worker had to deal with, I didn't need proof.  The woman didn't even show up to her own meeting for her daughter, didn't answer my call.

And then... I realized with a new set of eyes what my niece had to deal with. She was me leaving my father behind and my sister is our father. I cried. I cried and cried right there in that room. I cried for my niece and I cried for me.

I think she might die soon. I'm not sure what to do about that.