Undoing

This thing at work, this girl at my work, it's the strangest thing.

Once upon a time, when I was married to someone who was opioid addict, I was in a relationship where I had to heavily rely on my intuition to tell me when he was using. He would deny, deny, deny and it would only be the subtlest of clues. I would think I was going crazy - sabotaging  the relationship with my accusations - based on teeny, tiny clues.

What I learned over time was to trust my intuition, my reading of the small tells, my gut.

What gets a little weird is how the lying (and heroine) made him "evil," which he wasn't. He was and is a very good man, a great provider, honest (outside of the shame of using), and dependable. He was not a monster.

This thing at work, this girl, it feels similar. Not the heroine, I don't think she's an addict, but... she's lying. To someone, about something, for reasons that feel, at an intuition level, malicious.

After the first day I met her, I had a dream where she had stabbed me in the back and then laughed about it. I woke from it with curiosity. Sure, I had a sense after meeting her that she was a bit on the fake side. She came across with a professional layer so polished that she didn't seem quite real.

She very nice, condescending in a very privileged young, rich, white girl way - but I have no evidence to suggest she's rich and, if you believe the stories, she's been through her own mean streets of childhood and youth in general. She presents buttoned up and professional as well as vulnerable and approachable about "how far she has come" as if she is somehow also wise.

But she doesn't sound any of those things. She sounds condescending and she acts/looks of the upper crowd that is "sorry" for what they're about to do, but "it's not personal, it's business. So, please excuse me while I crush your silly efforts and prove you as inconsequential to the bottom dollar."

As much as I try and take this girl at her word - I don't trust her. As much as I try and dismiss the little itch that says "something is not right here,"  I just can't. My warning light is throbbing. We are not a team.

Back in the old days, I learned a little trick that just always seemed to work. In fact, the last time I used it, it presented itself within minutes.

The trick is to ask the universe to reveal itself, to show me what I need to see to move past this, to undo this, to bring light to this feeling, to present the facts - even if those facts hurt me or show me as the source of wrong. Reveal that which is hiding just under the surface.

One of the important things about doing this practice is that once you have done it, you (can) let go. You pass everything you know and feel to the sky, the air, the gods, and you wait for the test results to come back. This is where I am now.

I may not get any test results. Generally, they are same day or within the week. Sometimes, nothing comes - which generally means there was nothing or it was a reflection of my own self (which is a result).

I suppose I just wanted to document my unease here, get it out, be official about it. This girl at my work... she gives me the heebie-jeebies. The hidden warning sign, the scratching behind the wall that I can hear but can't find; her smile as she see's me looking around for something she's hidden so well... it's fucking eire.

I don't know why she's doing it, I don't know what she gains from it - if in fact she's doing anything at all. I will try and give her the benefit of the doubt, I will try and remember that this does not make her a monster anymore than my husband's lying did.

All I know, with a loud and deep feeling, is that something is not right.

So thing - whatever or whoever you are - reveal yourself.

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Rereading this post and seeing the title,  I'm aware, in a surreal kind of way, that this could be my undoing