I Wrote

I wrote and it felt good - and it was a much better direction that I had been getting before 'the break,' so that's promising.

I noticed a difference, too. Before taking the unexpected break, I had been getting feedback here and there, people reading it a bit, and the feedback was things like, "I want more back story and there could be more about this person" and ... I agreed. Suddenly, I looked at the whole thing as it being a mere introduction to a much larger story. And then, suddenly, I was planning a Game of Thrones like epic.

That is not what this book is or was ever intended to be. This book should be a an accidental cross between a fairy tale and a novel. Like Naomi Novik, but still not even as grand as that.

So, phew.  That makes things a bit more manageable.

As it usually does, work carries a similar feeling - the one where I catch myself taking in information as if I never had my own direction to begin with, so clearly everyone and anyone has the wisdom I should seek.

However, it's just not true.

At work, I don't exude the confidence of "I know exactly where I'm going" and I don't demand resources so that I could delegate work, leaving myself to really take the time to shape the vision in a way that people could just look at a board and say, "Oh, that's what's happening."

I'm unorganized, I work haphazardly, messy, 'it's-all-in-my-head', fast and lose. I'm creating the rough draft of our new platform and the engine is throaty, strong, and smart. Fail Fast! I'm not building the sleek skin. But somehow, I've failed to communicate this. As well, my c-suite has failed to support this communication, they're getting as turned around as I am  in the fast paced cluster fuck of growing a team exponentially and with mixed leadership and communication. It's messy.

So, if I could take a page from my book, these people don't understand that story I'm trying to tell and they might not until it's finished. Then, once they read it front to back, they say, "Ohhh, I see your vision now. Yes. I like it."

And like my book, I must have confidence in the fact that

1. I can't explain it anymore than I have
2. I don't have to explain it anymore than I have
3. They can't see the big picture over time because they're not in the work
4. I know where I'm going - and this is all I know. 
1. this doesn't mean that that I'm writing the best book every or producing the best solutions for our software. But this is the thing I'm doing, have been selected to do, and so I will do it the way that I understand how. 
5. I can and will take feedback objectively

So, what do I want? 

I like my job, but I would like it to be less critical. My original manifestation was to have a day job where I

• laugh a lot
• feel successful
• gain financial freedom

I have the financial freedom (thank you, Universe), but I've lost the laughing and feeling successful. 

It's all three of these things that contribute to me attaining the larger goal of having a day job that leaves me room to write and/or sculpt.

There is so much pressure in this job right now, and honestly I don't know who is more responsible for creating it, me or our new shiny CTO. 

So here we go: Dear Universe, 

I would like to bring into my life the joy and feeling of being successful, a confident and restful mind, the space to write with excitement and enthusiasm, financial and emotional wellness, and laughter. 

And I want to be able to give these same things as much as I receive. I want to reciprocate. 

These are my manifestations.