I Wanna Know What Love Is

Again. I want to feel it on my lips and neck. Arms. Back. Legs...


I want to touch somebody that stirs shit up in me. I want look into eyes that want to devour me. Again.


It felt so nice.

Quiet, Patient, Whole

Some things feel like they're crashing, but I'm not sure if it's me or them. I feel like I'm picking up on something mushy in the air - I don't like it. It's work related, so not really a big problem in the big picture, it's minimized to a small section... but still, I feel it.

I'm trying to clear myself of anyone else's nasty energy and find that quiet, strong spot in my own little bubble.

I have no idea of things. I am the quiet. The patient. The whole.

My own four square blocks.

Love Me Like You Do

You always know and you never know.

You always know what is right for you, you never know anything about another person, not on the true inside.

I feel better. Confused still, but better. I am 99.999999999% sure that this anomaly in my life was dropping "you're on my mind" hints via lyrics he was quoting me - because, really, who does that without also trying to send a message. Especially when the lyrics are extremely relative. And when directly confronted with it:

Me: You know, these lyrics could be misleading.

Him: Sussudio!

Bitch, please...

Anyways, the idea that I was even remotely on his mind, even if for a short time, relieved me. Like, suddenly, I could let go of a breath I was holding. My brain un-tensed, my soul went from a solid to a liquid. I was free.

He's back to being a closed book now though. And I will never have any idea of why or how.

Maybe he meant nothing by those lyrics, maybe I was that foolish (really though? Sussudio? Read those lyrics)

Maybe he feels absolutely nothing for me. Like a big fuck all (could be).

Maybe he's just that scared to be involved.

These are all things I can't know and he is completely unwilling to share. We all know, though, that when a guy wants something - he just goes and gets it (guys, chime in here, are some just that nervous or conscious?).

Things I can't know and must let them be carried off with the wind, which I feel really good about doing now. Him having (maybe) a moment of weakness and dropping lyric hints gave me half his number and most of my power (upper hand) back.

I can respect his space with a little more ease. Even if he lets it go forever, at least I know I existed there in his heart, maybe, somewhere...

I've got to get closer but I don't know how

She makes me nervous and makes me scared

But I feel so good if I just say the word

  Su-Su-Sussudio, just say the word

Oh Su-Su-Sussudio, oh

Love Me Like You Do - Scrub.

You Always Know

What's going on today with this mild anxiety... spending two days with work people in an office seems to be causing me some stress.

I'm so very used to being in my bubble at home. I went from one day every two weeks in the office to two days once a week. This is taking some getting used to.

I have to meet with large customers today, too. Ugh.

I can do this. I really can, but it feels bigger than me. Who is this person I've become? Flying to Germany to meet and train people? What the fuck.

I don't know if this is what I want. It could be, but I'm not sure.

I need to be grounded, back to me. I'm staying from home one more night than expected (maybe) and I don't like feeling like I'm not around for my kids - even though they wont be home tonight and I would be alone there anyways.

I want to stay and have fun with my work people, but I'm also afraid of being so far from my home base so much. I'm just not that kind of person, I like to be around and available for my kids. Well, my youngest (who is 16) anyways.

Also, a big enough part of me is staying just in case "someone" should make an offer - an offer I'm not even sure I want anymore. I think it would make me sick with nerves.

Feeling like a version of myself who is a little lost in the woods on a slightly cold and windy day. What is it that I want?

Love, sweetness, and a kind truth. Gentle freedom. Balance. Assurance. A soft kiss. Hands on my waist.

I'm going to touch the ground like one touches train tracks and feel for the grounds vibration and then do my best to stay on those tracks. Breath deep, find my truth, let go and let good.orderly.direction.

You always know.

Trust yourself.

Damn It

Working with him in person is hard.

I swear to god, I am picking up on... something. Something in his behaviour that I can't put my finger on, and he's really very good at locking his doors and windows so as not to let anyone in.

This... this is maddening for me. I am a mystery solver, a truth seeker.

We're leaving the office at the same time and, whereas before he would have waited and walked out with me, he bolts. Why? So that there's no chance of words between us?

The next day, we're walking to lunch (the whole crew) and he happens to be beside me, but as we near the restaurant, he drops back so as not to take the chance of sitting close to each other. I fucking know it with all of me that he is avoiding me.

At lunch, him further down the table and across from me, I look up to see that he is looking at me, and when caught, he quickly averts his eyes.

What the fuck is between us? And why can't we fucking talk about it? Jesus mother fucking christ.

All I can do is try and let this go. Invite passion, love, and sweetness back into my life - with or without him. Whatever his journey is, I will do my best to respect it.

But when he rubs me the wrong way, I can't help but be abrasive. I don't see why he should have his "I'm a closed book, but we're still friends and I get to enjoy aspects of you without giving anything back" cake and eat it too.

I'm not sure I need friends that bad.

Passion, Love, Sweetness

This is what I want to invite into my life - where ever it might come from.

Passion: to fill the animal inside of me that wants to kiss, bite, and fuck.

Love: to fill the unrequited side of my soul

Sweetness: the lighter side of love, a give and take of freedom and expression, with respect.

I want these things in a very mature setting. An un-relationship. A meeting of the mind and body with soul as the foundation.

I love these things. I invite them into my life.  I am opening all my doors and windows, clearing out the dust and allowing fresh air - life - into my life.

Universe, I am at your feet. I surrender.

New House, New Life

Once again, I have physically separated from my husband of 19 years. I am fully in my new own house now. It's lovely and I believe it will house me well.

I am at odds with my feelings though. At odds with the fact that this feels right when we get along so well and we truly love each other, why should I move away?

The short answer is because I will cheat on him.

I long to feel passionately connected to someone. I don't want to marry them or live with them, I just want to experience them or it.

But I don't want to experience it in small one night chunks with random people that I don't know.

It's time to thoughtfully spread my wings now. They are like new, sticky, never been spread before wings.

I've got a lot of work to do, and at times I wonder if the universe really had a hand in this, forcing me to admit to something so that I would be alone, and once alone, understand the depth and desire around my goals so that I get shit done.

I hope this is the catalyst that draws me towards the completion  these goals:

Write/Publish book 1
Write/Publish book 2
Write TV script 1

^That is a lot of god damn work.

New house, new life. It feels like it's on the brink of beautiful. I don't know why, but I'll take it.

And here's to the hope for beautiful moments with beautiful people.

Don't Fuck 'Em

You can tell by the lack of posts that the confusion that consumed me is waning. Thank god. You still have to go through that shit, even at my age.

I am staring down a new life, a life that has freedom written all over it. A life that has a sigh of relief on its shoulders. A life that could potentially be lonely.

It also has the potential of being really rather quite beautiful.

I was away for a week on work trip, a trip that surrounded me in people and more than a few (well, no, exactly a few) gentleman suiters. One of which, the most attractive to me, was 29 (turing 30 in a few days, so, there's that).

He has a girlfriend back in his home, so obviously he's a bit of a player. I'm sure his advances towards me were not his first, but he was very attracted to me. He loved my energy, my smile, blah blah blah.

He totally wanted to do things to me that, in the end, I may or may not have enjoyed. I will never know.

I let him kiss me though, let him kiss me good night on our last night there. But what if I had done more, what if we had had a night of either passionate or awkward sex? Would he have still looked me up on Facebook?

I think these young boys' attention is flattering, but I think the lesson here is, don't fuck 'em. Everything that is fun and exciting about it turns to shit when you do. The friendship, if there was one, is gone.

At least, that's what my lesson taught me.

Also, I don't understand the Hook Up. I just don't get it. What's actually in it for me? A night of weird sex with someone who knows nothing about me or my body - what works and what doesn't? How much time do you have to spend telling them, "No, not like that. Slow down. Faster. Don't flick your tongue like that... "?

And then after that, it's just a little weird and someone goes home. Clearly, I'm missing something here.

I like the people though, I like it when I'm friends with these younger attracted people. They're fun and alive, and I dig that about them. Fucking ruins that. For them, the quest is over, they move on. When for me, I actually enjoyed the camaraderie.

So that's that, it's decided. There will be no passionate sex in my immediate future. Ugh.

ps: Thanks Ryan - you're a real pal.