You Always Know

What's going on today with this mild anxiety... spending two days with work people in an office seems to be causing me some stress.

I'm so very used to being in my bubble at home. I went from one day every two weeks in the office to two days once a week. This is taking some getting used to.

I have to meet with large customers today, too. Ugh.

I can do this. I really can, but it feels bigger than me. Who is this person I've become? Flying to Germany to meet and train people? What the fuck.

I don't know if this is what I want. It could be, but I'm not sure.

I need to be grounded, back to me. I'm staying from home one more night than expected (maybe) and I don't like feeling like I'm not around for my kids - even though they wont be home tonight and I would be alone there anyways.

I want to stay and have fun with my work people, but I'm also afraid of being so far from my home base so much. I'm just not that kind of person, I like to be around and available for my kids. Well, my youngest (who is 16) anyways.

Also, a big enough part of me is staying just in case "someone" should make an offer - an offer I'm not even sure I want anymore. I think it would make me sick with nerves.

Feeling like a version of myself who is a little lost in the woods on a slightly cold and windy day. What is it that I want?

Love, sweetness, and a kind truth. Gentle freedom. Balance. Assurance. A soft kiss. Hands on my waist.

I'm going to touch the ground like one touches train tracks and feel for the grounds vibration and then do my best to stay on those tracks. Breath deep, find my truth, let go and let good.orderly.direction.

You always know.

Trust yourself.