Damn It

Working with him in person is hard.

I swear to god, I am picking up on... something. Something in his behaviour that I can't put my finger on, and he's really very good at locking his doors and windows so as not to let anyone in.

This... this is maddening for me. I am a mystery solver, a truth seeker.

We're leaving the office at the same time and, whereas before he would have waited and walked out with me, he bolts. Why? So that there's no chance of words between us?

The next day, we're walking to lunch (the whole crew) and he happens to be beside me, but as we near the restaurant, he drops back so as not to take the chance of sitting close to each other. I fucking know it with all of me that he is avoiding me.

At lunch, him further down the table and across from me, I look up to see that he is looking at me, and when caught, he quickly averts his eyes.

What the fuck is between us? And why can't we fucking talk about it? Jesus mother fucking christ.

All I can do is try and let this go. Invite passion, love, and sweetness back into my life - with or without him. Whatever his journey is, I will do my best to respect it.

But when he rubs me the wrong way, I can't help but be abrasive. I don't see why he should have his "I'm a closed book, but we're still friends and I get to enjoy aspects of you without giving anything back" cake and eat it too.

I'm not sure I need friends that bad.