Dirty Energy

Like I put some bad gas in my car, I feel like my soul is coughing and choking along. I'm angry.

I was fine up and until my landlady asked if I would like to pitch in for the firewood shed that her firewood guy built for 'us.' Only, it's a fixture at this house and I'm renting. Why the fuck would she ask me to pay for a portion of solid fixture of her house? It's like asking me to pitch in for renos.

Well, I'll tell you why (I think she would ask that). She's a penny pincher and she tries to squeeze dimes from anywhere she can, including asking people that she senses she can take advantage of ... for a small fee. In my mind, she has enough gal to be something like, "I'll put them in an awkward position where saying no makes you look like a bit of an ass...it's only $20" and this slight of hand towards insincerity has me wholly and completely incensed.

I believe I feel so strongly about this because I'm tired of people taking advantage of kindnesses, little tiny scratches that add up over time - and I'm starting to SPEAK UP. But that one was so small... that I didn't. And I'm mad at myself for not being clear.

This has spurned my slightly rabid, captured dog syndrome. Or, you know, large angry cat

First my sister, then my ex-coworker friend, my current full blown male ego coworkers, my thrifty landlord, my still emotionally developing sidekick (the Greek)...

Shitty parts of people and the world can fuck itself today. I'm not taking calls. 

Also, I have some PMS (Maybe!)

I came to write bullshit, and then I saw my last post where I declared I was going to stop meandering in bullshit. So, here we go with more of the same.

I would like to declare today as National Get Out of Your Head Day.

Walaa, it is done.

There is a lot of bullshit in my head. Lot's of balls in the air lately. I don't care for it. Here they are:

• I'm too busy
• Fuck off
• Leave me alone
• I want a cigarette
• Leave me alone
• Don't touch me

Today (it appears) I don't want a relationship. I don't want to care for any other adult.

Heres a thing...

The Greek likes to be a bit bossed around in the bedroom. He really likes he idea of a woman who demands he please her. He loves it. I get it.

I really, really do.

You know what I like in the bedroom though? Having sex with man.

Now, I'm as fun as the next gal and I like to indulge my mate. There are times where I'm more than happy to play the part and use him as my tool to get my way, and I even like the way it makes him come unglued. However, please refer to bullet points, now is not that time.

The last thing I want to do right now is get into character. Jesus, it makes me shudder thinking about it.

This in itself isn't the problem. Any bossy woman would just tell her wee man sex slave to buzz off, but this would involve me getting into character. I'm not a bossy woman. I am a woman who is wrought with thoughts and sticky notes of to do lists that are eating at my brain like termites.

What I think I would like to do right now is just fall down from the weight of all the things. What I'm trying to do is get the fuck out of my head - because it's National Get Out of Your Head Day.

The problem is that whiney me is afraid to tell him that I am, in fact, TOO MUCH WOMAN RIGHT NOW TO PLAY A PART FOR HIM SO that HE CAN FIRE HIS JOLLY ROCKETS. Also, I'm a little angry about the fact that I should have to tell him.

Also, I'm a little afraid that he will leave if I don't play the part more, and once I hear that thought or feel that fear, I converse with myself as follows:

"Well if he leaves because I don't want to actually be the one who is the slave sex by playing the dominate role that he requests then... well, GOOD RIDDANCE! Why don't you just leave now then? Let's just get this over with, shall we?"

and then...

"You know what?  This relationship is too much for me, I can't keep juggling things that are the things that make you stay. If your presence is conditional, then let's just break all the conditions now because I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THEM!!!!"

Ugh.

Can you see? The real problem is that I have not had this conversation with him. Only with me. And I become so frustrated that I end in the bulleted list.

The conditions of this relationship as I see them:

• Don't smoke (or do it so incredibly infrequently that I never notice)
• Be fun
• Be bossy
• Be sassy
• Have a gorgeous and tight bubble butt
• Long hair 
• Strive to eat healthy
• Indulge my fantasies once and awhile (like maybe once a week? *dimple grin + hopeful eyes)

Not horrible, right? Yeah, I thought it was doable too. Let's go through them, shall we? 

1. Extreme infrequent smoking
   Ugh, what does this mean? This is pretty relative. And why the fuck is someone telling me how much to smoke? For the record, I like to have 1-2 cigarettes a day. Sometimes it's more. 4 is a lot and I feel gross. I think if he knew that, he would be horrified and it would be a deal breaker, so I keep this horrible secret and have a whole regime of hand washing and breath mints. Also, I have fear and anxiety of being busted when I do smoke. Dudes, I'm almost 50 years old. What the fuck?
2. Be fun
   Obviously I'm naturally fun in the outside world. But also, I'm kind of a turtle. I like to crawl inside myself and do nothing. Which means I like to be quiet, have baths, knit, talk to myself, watch movies/tv
3. Be bossy
   I'm already kinda bossy; but I'm also, seriously, the chillest fucking person and I don't tend to give a shit about most things. Also, I expect people to know how to behave. Or, a better way of saying it, I enjoy being around people that know how to behave, like with emotional intelligence and shit. Outside of my natural bossy-lite, being more bossy seems like work. 
4. Be sassy
   Again, this is a natural trait but not all the time. Not when I'm in turtle mode (which is a good 50% of the time)
5. Tight bubble butt
   Sure, I want this too - but not as a condition to love, attraction,  and appreciation 
6. Long hair
   Ugh, whatever, he's just lucky I got tired of my bob finally. I have pretty hair. 
7. Strive to eat healthy
   I don't actually give a shit about this one. I run in the middle here, I think I'm good. 
8. Indulge my fantasies
   Ugh. Like I said... I dig this once in awhile. That he appears to need it? Get the fuck off my lawn, brah. 

I am a clusterfuck of angst, piss, and vinegar.

As soon as I see signs that he still loves me even though my hairs in a greasy ponytail and I have no make up on, I relax. But it doesn't last long, soon enough I convince myself that it's. just. a. matter. of. time until he bows out gracefully. SO JUST DO IT ALREADY. but don't actually?

I'm pretty sure I would miss him, despite how high maintenance he makes me.

With All Due Respect

Just going over the feelings of the day. Mornings are a bit fucked up because I have too much time to think and then feel. It's kinda bullshit.

My plan was to stop that, stop meandering the mire of useless thoughts and only move forward with functional actions. Don't stop to worry and fret over things that don't exist. That's tough when I have all this time in the quiet of a home.

I suppose some days I think that if the Greek wasn't here I would be more free to make noise and do stuff that was productive, not just sitting and being quiet which means scrolling the internet.

It doesn't actually follow that if he wasn't here I wouldn't do that, it appears to be something I'm just telling myself to justify the idle action.

I don't like my inner self in the morning. Sometimes. I think too much.

I feel too much, feelings like: I don't want what I have. Which means being responsible for a small person and, to some extent, the feelings of an adult male. I just want them both to see that, within reason, they are the makers of their own domain - within these walls  that we share. We are all responsible for our own happiness and part of that is making sure we treat each other well.

That's it. That's all. Everyone figure out your shit, because I'm over here figuring out mine. And I don't want to be doing it either.

How do I stop diving into feelings of despair:

• When I feel emotionally exhausted
• When I feel mentally exhausted
• When I feel physically older and a weaker (less energetic)

I suppose the first step is to stop denying that I am all of those things. The next step would be to take care of those things in the proper order.

Which is to say it's likely to feel like failure if I try and dive into working out when I'm mentally, emotionally exhausted to give it the physical energy it requires to feel successful.

I want to be a little angry at the adults around me that are off loading their laundry. I want to simply kick their laundry to the curb. I don't have cycles to do your laundry and I'm prepared to be selfish.


So fucking there.

With all due respect, fuck off.

Christmas is gross but I Do Love My Family

The tarot card reader said about my chakra layout that in my heart chakra I'm guarded with the Greek. The two of swords. She said that I let him in but then close myself off, perhaps because I don't really trust the whole thing.

It's not always him I don't trust. It's me. I don't always trust that I will want this. I feel sometimes like  I just want to be alone, as if this is just a bit too much work. Mmm, perhaps work is not quite the right word. It's a bit too much work of being open to it and then not open to it.

It's too much work imagining how it will all play out (every day, day after day)
Maybe we'll live in balanced and in an independent lovers bliss and I'll never have these thoughts again
Maybe he'll tire of this and move on 
Maybe I'll tire of this and move on
Maybe I'll look too old soon
Maybe he'll meet someone his own age and fall in love
Maybe he'll want to have kids
Maybe he wont like who my past has really made me
Maybe he hasn't really seen who I really am
Maybe I'm too tired for this... 

This is why I pull back from us, all those questions.

So just stop doing that, right? It's just that I always feel like I'm on the precipice of an answer to any one of those.

What if I just let him in and accepted myself as a bit too independent most of the time to be lovey-loverson and trusted him on his word that is kinda sorta one of the things he values about this relationship - that I'm independent enough that it doesn't impede his social life.

I guess I just don't trust that. I start to fall into "the trap" of trusting it, but then things start to fall apart:

I stop caring about having sex
He's becomes a pal not a lover
I start day dreaming of falling in passion love
I desire passion all over again

blah-ba-blah, blah, blah

I just don't want to think anymore. I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to fully accept him when it feels like our time is so limited.

Which is funny because that's why he didn't want to get into this relationship, because the end was so clear on the horizon and it was just going to hurt.

and then I just had to force it, didn't I?

For the record, I don't want to end it. I'm just finding that not be able to really relax in it is fucking exhausting and I don't know how long I can do whatever the fuck it is that I'm doing in my head.

Dude.

I should write. Enough has happened recently that writing out my thoughts should be a good thing. However, I feel spent.

It's odd that my mind should think that I have some sort of audience that I should update, lest I leave them on the edge of their seats with the big season finale cliffhanger.  I wonder who that audience in my mind is; if I could give them all names, how many would there be? Let's tell the story first, shall we?

Our protagonist has just moved into a nice house with her younger, full of life, man-friend. Their life together has finally hit that sweet plateau. We've watched them struggle as both co-workers and lovers. We've watched them fight for and against the passion neither of them can resist. After 3 years together and a month backpacking in Europe, they know they're committed, they're ready to surrender to their unconventional love and reap the rewards. 

But, two weeks after settling into their new home they learn that the protagonist's 11 year old niece, who was recently removed from her mother's care, has now been abandoned by her father, too. There's no where left for her to go and nowhere our protagonist wants her to go but with her. Enough is enough.

So, before they have a chance to sing, "Looks like we made it" to each other and perform wild adult gymnastics in every part of their new house, their lives are forever changed; they're parents?

On the bright side, maybe, just maybe, everyone gets the opportunity to be something they've always wanted to be. 

Awe, isn't that sweet?

So yeah, that's it, that's the season one cliff hanger of [Super Awesome Title]. My life dressed up as a rom com. Seems like a quaint Love Actually kind of event.

Sure, why not

I guess I just want to say that, "Dude, my heart is fucking tired."

Look at the date (lookatit!), it's five, FIVE, days before Christmas. I have one daughter I've barely started shopping for (oh my god, I just heard my first-world-woe there, that's embarrassing) and now I have to shop for my niece, and not just for Christmas. The (ugh, here I go) girl has been living with dysfunctional messy/hoarder types (great people and I love them dearly...) for forever and she just has nothing. We have to get out there and get clothes and personal items and fast.

Also, work is still moving fast and complicated. I want and need to be there.

These are high pressured times.

But here's the thing: after some initial bumps and bruises for all us, by the end of January my niece and I will be strolling down to the bus stop where she will hop on the city bus for short trip down the road to her new school and I will return to my routine of walking to work, getting my headspace. She'll get her self home and have snacks. One day a week, she'll go to an extra curricular drama class (because the girl belongs on the stage and, well, who doesn't drama class save? ).

Both of us have the support the social worker, counselling, programs, camps...

And if it gets too much for The Greek, I know we will both be graceful.

I just want, with all my heart, to give this girl a chance.

Perhaps, there's still time to sing:

Volume

I accidentally turned up the volume on our culture, and perhaps I came unglued from my north star voyage at the same time, returning to old habits of fearing decisions I made. 
I feel overwhelmed and disconnected from life.

I miss my daughter or I miss being a more consistent part of her life. My expectation for me as a mother is that I am always there, I am a constant. Having moved an hour and a half away has completely distanced me from that.

However, if I moved back there I wouldn't be in the same home as her. I would see her as much or perhaps less then I do now (given that when I do go to stay there, I stay at her house). So, why do I feel so much  guilt and why do I refuse to let go of that guilt?

In order to continue to be relevant in my job, I needed to move here. There, work is scarce and unfulfilling. Here, there is opportunity to earn the level of income I want so that I can retire one day.

I don't know if I'm just unhappy with my decision to move in to a house with the Greek, as if that makes it look that I left my 18 year old daughter with her dad so that I could have a relationship (not that's even that bad - I think?) . That is not what I did. If I didn't have this job - or a job of note - I would be back there in a heart beat.

I feel stress. I feel sad.

Other potential factors: I'm moving in 2 weeks and my pal's brother is staying in our living room for 2 weeks (one week left).

I just want a home my daughter can and does come to. A home where we can connect easily and naturally.

Other potential factors: Work is fucking huge and I'm loosing the strength to meet the challenges we face. We're growing and bringing in professionals, I have the opportunity to expand my skill set to match theirs, but I have a niggling sense that I will have to fight for this a bit. Perhaps it's just an internal struggle, I don't know.

I'm sad and disconnected from my source. I feel like I'm lost in a forest and my energy stores are low. I feel like there is nobody to talk to about this. No one that could help me forward, because my experience is that I don't know anyone that knows more than I do in this kind of discussion.

So I just made my first counselling apt through my EAP.... fingers crossed.

I do feel that perhaps if I was stronger about my position to live here, it would help my daughter be stronger about it, too. As it is, I'm giving her reason to doubt that she doesn't need me or that I did the right thing.

I just don't like the distance I feel.

So, it was a bad time to turn up the volume on philosophical thinkers which led to opening twitter which lead to intensely loud volume on political stupidity that, for a second or five, makes you feel that if you don't witness it, you're part of the problem. Ugh, the ugly stress of watching people invest 100% of their heart into self righteous hatred. Ouch.

In other news, I don't want to do yoga today. I'm too sad.

Artist: Adam Hall (looooove this guy)

Day 1: Back to Work

Ooooo. Pretty.

It's a slow crawl out of my vacation head, and I think I made a step towards better yesterday. I stayed inside all by myself, read my book then watched crap romcom movies on TV until late afternoon. Finished my last 3 cigarettes and felt sick about it. It was magical.

Then, I went out and bought a new Bodum coffee pot, a double walled, drip filter,  glass deal that I looked at before we left. After considering it for 26 days and then using the espresso style Italian maker  the whole time we were gone, it was a happy purchase. I like it, it's pretty and makes coffee.

The beginning of the day started with nerves and questions and confusion. Coming back, I jumped into us looking for a place together, but only because amazing places started showing up. I found this one, it was the only one that really worked out for us to go see (a bunch of others just didn't line up). The owner asked for a introduction letter about who we are - and boy, did she get it - she loved it. We met her last night and she said she was we had her at the letter, it was so good and detailed and personal. She's looking for harmony. So am I.

I was about to put a stop to the move, but as this one was booked from the day we were leaving Italy, I figured we would go and see it through but not take it.

We're taking it.

She was great. Down to earth, totally chill, smokes the weed; and the place is gorgeous and pretty damn perfect. While the ad said no pets, when asked, she said she wouldn't say no to us for that. It's warmed by firewood. It's been renovated. The main bedroom has two big closets. Theres a big second bedroom. It's sweet.

I just. just.

The universe road seemed so aligned and clear. We're taking it. And I'm happy.

Today is, well, it's back to work day. I'm going to sneak into the gym at 7, stretch ever so slightly, maybe pump a weight or two. I'm going to be kind to me.

Then I'm gonna zoom into my job with blinders on.

Wish me luck.