Rage Lite

Maybe... just maybe when I finally find a place and move out of the matrimonial home, this will stop?

I am in limbo, stuck in some surreal gap of having left but not having actually left. It's killing me a little bit.

And the holidays, oh my god, my partner has been home everyday and never going too far from me, like a puppy that thinks he's found his owner and doesn't dare stray too far.

I had to tell him again that I am actually leaving. Things have been so normal that he thought maybe it was just a phase I went through and was over it now.

In our house, it is as if nothing has changed. We are the exact same people as we break up that we are when we are together. Doesn't that scream... something? I'm sure it does but I can't put my finger on it.

I believe, that in order to cope with the middle ground, I am obsessing about other possibilities of love, passion etc. It doesn't help that I had a fabulous taste of it just a short while ago.  I dream of that persons arms around me as we lay in the sweaty aftermath.

I'm trying to find centre, but it's not easy. At this point, it is probably safer to admit defeat and stop trying to fight feeling like a volcano that is ready to burst. I am going to explode.

If only I could cry.

Gasping Desire

I gotta get my head back on straight. I am lost in the ethereal, looking for love. Why? Why am I looking for love? Because I've finally admitted that I've not really had love for so long that I want to immediately fill that gap?

It's fucked up.

My friend and I are... still friends. Still connected (on my part at least - that I am aware of) by what feels (to me) like an invisible elastic band. At our work lunch, he orders shared appies for us, he waits for me, walks with me. In idle conversation he hints that he would not let me win. Mutual affection abounds, and I can't do a single fucking thing about it. He's playing a really very good game. Touché.

Then, as I do at times, I reach out to my first love, just to check in on him, say hi, that sort of thing. I eventually get a text back saying, it's not that he doesn't want to see me, but that what I don't know is that (after 25 years) he thinks of me every day and that that comes from true love.

What? Is he fucking with me? Why is he saying that? He can't possibly be telling the truth. At the very least, he is exaggerating. And if it's true, that can't be healthy.

Yet, I've always loved him, always professed that I always would - in a "very fond of my first love memories" kind of way. A first love that was, of course, wrought with dysfunction (cheater pants, booze, and youth).

But when I've seen him in the past, I've known instantly that I still love him - AND THAT IS FUCKED UP. Jesus.

It doesn't matter though, from what I know, he is seriously using (drugs) and there is no way in hell I would subject myself to that again. It's not even a thought. I've come way too far, I don't even have it in me to go backwards with a person who has not intellectually and emotionally evolved.

Except in that spot in my head where I like to entertain stupidity ( a popular past time these days).

I remember the last time I saw him and his amber eyes took me right back to a place where I had no idea why I loved him, but loved him wholly and completely all the same.

Every wistful word I said to my kids about my first love and how it just wasn't our time back then.

The times I've spent in the past revisiting the possibility of us meeting up again and finally being the right time for us both.

But, in a fantasy world.

So, here I am, lurching for the possibility of love and distraction. Where is it, where can I find it? I'm frantic with the replacement theory.

I think that I know that this is just a natural phase of leaving my marriage and realizing the time I have given to it - and perhaps being angry about that. I want something for me now. But, damn, it is uncomfortable, gasping desire is heavy burden.

The goal has been to reach my quiet solitude and get some work done. To make space for my work, not clutter my space with little men and a parade of unmet expectations.

Where the fuck did my grown up go?

Beautiful, Free, and Alive

I am ridiculous, I'm pinning all my built up frustrations with life in general on this one thing and I need to calm down.

Calm down and let go.

I am 44,  I am leaving my husband because there is nothing here for me. There may not be a whole lot on the other side, but there will be the hope of more. The dream of more.

I am lovely in my nature and, one day,  I want to share that with someone who is lovely and alive in theirs.

I want to build a nest that nurtures growth and creativity.  I want to focus and excel at my job.

I want to be beautiful, free, and alive.

The Dead Horse Wants It

Seriously, he's begging for it. The horse is lying there, begging for me to beat it. Moaning and calling my name.

But I can't and I will not. Not this one, I will not beat it.

Fuck and god damn it.

I want to open its guts up and talk about this shit till it's burnt beyond recognition. It's my nature. Yet, I know... I must leave this one be. It's the right thing to do.

I need a distraction from this horse.

fuck me.

Touching the Middle of Sweetness

Things move around and shift.  Some I like, some make me sad.

The universe seems to have a plan for me, twice now it has given me a someone that shows me it's time to leave my marriage, and, it appears, as soon as I listen, I lose the someone that inspired the decision to speak up.

Which is a bit of slight of hand, universe.

I'm hoping that this time that's not entirely true. I really liked this latest inspiration, I liked the little bits of time we spent together. I would like to have more of those.

When it first appeared, I asked for it to be something sweet. Now, I would like it to come back and I would like it to be lovely and a little enduring. Maybe not a life time of moments, but a good length of them.

Those moments had pieces of that kind of stillness where you cease to exist in this world and visit a different place, you know that kind of stillness?

I want to touch and be touched by it again and more. I miss it already.

I may have found a new home for me, fingers crossed that the owner picks me. It's beautiful and simple, and I believe it will foster my heart's growth.

It was his turn to say that "this has to stop," he said he was getting more attached to me and that current circumstances didn't bode well for us if feelings became stronger. He's very adamant that he should not have attached feelings. Whatever. I guess.

He doesn't know I'm leaving, it seems weird to tell him. I have to make this decision for me and only me right now. He was my physical evidence of just how removed I am from my marriage, and I must deal with that separately.

I just wish he didn't have to disappear once his "job" was done.

I've broken my husband's heart. He was very comfortable staying still where we are - or were. And I dreamed (always dreaming) of more: more connection, more lust, more passion, more life. And, as it happens, I'm more afraid of not taking my chances finding it again than I am of leaving the safety and comfort of what I have.

And so grace falls at my feet and all I can do is breath one breath at a time, slowly, taking it in.

Gods bless me.

Resolute Absolution

Most days are fine, good even, but then these other days pop up where I am suddenly shocked by my actions. Reality falls like a lead ball into my stomach, and I wonder if I know, really know, what I am doing.

How lonely will I get or be? I will have to take my own garbage to the curb (um, that might be the one thing he does that I don't look forward to having to take on. Or it's the only thing he does...) . I will be alone.

Will I like being alone (again)? One only needs to look at the alternative to know that the answer to that question is mute. But still, it begs asking (and suffering).

I'm a little scared. But, not scared enough to stand still. I'm more scared of standing still than entering the unknown.

I'm also sad - not just about the obvious, but something more, too.  Perhaps I feel sad because it feels a little like I lost something that was tangible and nice in my present. Something that, there could be no doubt, I would have to let go of eventually (and shortly after receiving it even). But,  I guess, it feels like a bummer - if indeed it has met its end already. I will miss it.

Yeah, that's the sadness. There is a resolute absolution that stirs beautifully in me, on the precipice of my knowing, like a small dirt devil dancing in my peripheral.

It's coming.

Where I Leave Once Again

I told him we are separating, and in a not so unique, shouldn't have been a surprise, surprise... he's fine with it. Not happy, but resigned in a pleasant fashion.

This because he is numb as fuck. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been surprised. However, being as human as I am, as un numb as I am - I am, scientifically speaking, shocked.

I will miss my friend in the way we have each other now, but it is time.

I've reviewed hindsight and, I think, all that talk about being okay with living in his prison because I get to come and go was me just trying to convince myself that this was okay.

But at the bottom of that is the realization that I am already a single person, only I am stopped form moving forward and growing as sensual being (which doesn't stop moving forward on it's own, by the by) because of my commitment to someone who has chosen to stop living beyond their duty.

I reread a bunch of old writings and had to laugh at how long I have been missing passion, sensuality, and... connection; it's been going on since at least 2008, ramping up in earnest in my face in 2009.

And now, I am in front of something sweet. I would like to say that I am a lot more grown up and prepared this time. At least, I'm pretty sure that's true.

The slight attraction that started about a year ago, recently and suddenly kicked the door down, and I ran to it like the world was on fire.

It feels as if, finally, the gods have seen fit to release me from my wasteland and I get to physically experience a somewhat ferocious lust and passion and/or a sweet and lovely string of moments that exist like water.

It's very sweet. He's sweet. I enjoy him. I enjoy the energy that goes between us. I would like it to remain for a little while.

So the truth has physically manifested itself in a way that I can't talk myself out of how done I am. It would be irresponsible of me to stay.

For me and my life, I get to be alone again. To grow solid in my understanding. To feel... real. And hopefully, to enjoy time and love with lovely people as the journey continues.

That is my hope.