I Woke Up (Fucking) Angry

I guess this sort of thing just happens, right? Sometimes your body or brain-body is just unaccommodating and says, "Nu-uh. Not today, pal. Fuck the fuck off."

Funny enough, it first struck right around the time the Greek and I were returning from a lovely day of reconnecting quiet time + dinner. He was driving home and unleashed a surprisingly emphatic (and hidden behind closed windows), "thanks for turning on your signal BITCH" to a woman at a four way stop. It was the bitch part that got me - and then that connected to his seemingly mild behaviour at the restaurant where the waitress - as is her job - came to our table for payment an asked the innocuous question of "any plans for the weekend?" It interrupted a conversation that couldn't continue in her presence so, it was that awkward silence, but that seemed normal enough. But after she took his payment, her eyes just said, fuck you - you arrogant prick.

She picked up on something he was doing (like being incensed that she interrupted us. Seriously 👀?), something I wouldn't see until the four way stop, that he was being a total ass.

So, yeah, that kind of behaviour just really turns me off. I looked at him with a bit of a laugh and wtf dude after the four way and he was like, What? I was just being like Ricky Gervase in After Life. Gervaise' new Netflix series where, because his wife has died, he gets to be a despondent bleak realist  that tells everyone exactly what he's feeling about their stupid behaviour -

the difference being that Gervaise is doing it to people that are actually being idiots AND he does it intelligently and casually,  without an arrogant type of anger.

It was as if the Greek took that show as permission that it was totally fine, good in fact, to shed ones inside intolerance of the world on whimsy.

Obviously, he hadn't stuck around long enough to watch the end of the series where Gervaise' character learns that it's not actually  cool to be an ass, he only watched the parts where Gervaise makes being an ass look like the coolest thing ever.

I have no idea if these things were even lightly connected, it just seemed entirely probable that they were. Either way, my inside self placed that buffer wall to him, the one where I'm like, "ew, dude, that was gross, wtf?" but I wasn't angry.

This morning though, I am as I said, Nu-uh, and it feels pretty intense.

I also have no idea if I just woke up and am tired and grumpy or if there is a direct correlation to his shit yesterday. What I do know is that I feel very indifferent to him right now, and my internal reaction feels disproportionate to the acts, which brings me here. I don't like this feeling and I don't want it. I would like to write it out of me. So, other things of note:

✅I'm still writing: I'm making use of the strange morning hours I keep and putting words to the page. It's going really well, and I'm happy with the work I'm doing.

✅Work is insane in a good way: shit is happening, the things I imagineered are taking shape and it's fucking beautiful. I am challenged in good ways and rising to each challenge. It does, however, feel equivalent to training for free soloing El Capitan, and my brain-body is exhausted at the end of a day. My shitty arrogant men issues seem to be repairing themselves with the introduction of better management.

I'm tired and I should be. Monday - Friday looks like:

5-7am, creative writing
get ready for work, walk to work (30 mins: listen to a podcast or imagine the story/book)
9-4:30pm, be a product owner and herd cats developers and tasks all while calculating solutions to very complex customer problems, project manage some enterprise customers.
4:30-9pm, walk home (30 mins: podcast or story thoughts again), figure out what to feed the minion my niece -  and maybe read/bath, do beauty tasks I've been meaning to do, knit, watch a show, eat some junk food? Hard crash. Sleep. Rinse repeat.

✅I'm sculpting: I have a piece I am working on and I am getting time to it. It stretches me thin on the weekends, but it's good.

✅✖ Love: I have it and I give it, but we are both busy so it can be hit and miss. Most of the time it feels proportionate to what I am looking for in my life and when I check in with him, he reports the same. He gets to play board games, sports, chill with friends and then crawls into a warm bed with me. I get to do all of my aforementioned things and he doesn't take up my personal space and then he makes my body and heart feel loved when he crawls into bed. Sometimes though, he really (super) annoys me.

✖ I'm not working out: this is a problem. My muscles are tight and sore, my butt/body is soft and... lack lustre (I want lustre). I need to fit in massage and acupuncture to fix stressed, tight, pinched muscles.

✖ I don't see my youngest daughter nearly as much: this is because I have my niece and planning weekends away gets more complicated. This wears heavy on my heart and spirit over time.

✖ The Greek and the Niece: he is not kid ready or friendly, he does not get it nor does he care to, nor should he have to. There is a general malaise between them, they agree to disagree on who is the better person between the two - and to be honest, they're both equally lovely and assholes. Yeah, that's me in the middle.

✖ Having my niece: I just don't like having parental duties again. I would like my sister to get her shit together.

✖ ✅My sister: Maybe she's getting her shit together? Conversations have been better? My fingers are crossed, my prayers are plenty.

So, 3 really big ✅'s but 4 niggly  ✖'s  and two in the middle. That's where I'm at.

So... where to go from here? 

I feel overwhelmed. Part of my solution includes forcing exercise into an already packed day. I need some help.

I'm going to manifest some balance and working a few less hours a week and at least working from home one day a week. I'll do 9am classes at the Y and work 10 to 6ish on those days. I'm doing good work, I think they want me to take care of myself and create balance.  

I'm due for a raise, I'm going to manifest an amount that leaves me a generous amount of savings so that I can travel about with ease. Again, I'm doing good work, I believe they see that and want to compensate it fairly.

I am going to continue to prioritize writing this book and put the best of my intelligence and creativity to it.

I am going to manifest being in a healthy, happy, and giving relationship - and then let the chips fall where they may. Tip of the ol' hat to the Gods, Goddesses, and Universe on this one. 


And then I'm going to rest. I am going to let this feeling find its way out and just rest. Tomorrow is a new day.

---

Special thanks to bitmoji for providing visuals for my posts and getting me closer to the small fantasy of creating a comic strip 😛.

Non Titillating Dirty Secrets

Still writing (the novel) and doin' pretty good, I think. I'm taking a small break today because I wanted to write here and I have a headache.

I keep hearing myself say, "I'm just so tired. I'm just sooooooo tired..." and it's hard to tell if I'm actually tired or if it's induced tired, you see: A good amount of the time in a day, my body slides into nicotine withdrawal - a small hidden secret fact.

Afterwork is when I attempt to pile drive some nicotine into my body with a smoke so that my eyes and brain will respond properly.

Because the Greek often goes out in the evening, he plays sports, board games, hangs with buddies,  I get to relax and do the cigarette thing like a normal adult. And, I also get to relax and be me, such as:

• Not talk to anyone
• have a bath and read forever
• sometimes clean up and organize
• call one of my daughters and gab with them 
• have a glass of wine
• have a cigarette (one is usually fine)
• binge watch a series like a sloth
• includes eating horribly and loving every minute of it

Because of the smoking thing with the Greek, I'm often just so glad to have him hurry and leave so I can at least do that (or that's what I've been telling myself), but if I imagine myself being able to have a guilt free glass of wine and cigarette while he was here, I would still feel obligated to revolve the remainder of my time around him/us. 

Now, I'm not saying that he's demanding that, it could very well be me that's projecting that.

I'm also not saying that he isn't unconsciously demanding that I entertain him, and it's subtle enough that I don't pick it up. 

OR, both of us are together so we're both assuming a "I guess we're here together, we should do things together" type mindset because we're still kinda newlyweds. 

What I know for sure is that after I get home from work and am able to have that cigarette, wine, and silence - I perk up and decide what it is *I* would like to do: tv, bath, knit, talk to family... and I'm no longer exhausted.

If he was home with me I would have sat on the couch with him and

a) had a long, drawn out dish about work bullshit that can end up being us talking negatively about work, or
b)  watching a show that we both want to watch  and promptly fall asleep against the warmth of this body -  "exhausted." 

I think what I'm saying is that he might be like having an over scheduled child that doesn't know how to be bored. MAYBE I'm saying that. 

I'm not sure. 

(pretty sure though)

Blood Red Moon

I'm creating distance, a buffer zone, between us. Or it's just there and I don't know how to close the gap and am too tired or apathetic to try. Meh, meh, meh. I don't care.

Maybe this is the beginning of the end and I just don't want to admit it. Maybe I just don't have time and space in my head enough for a relationship. I'm not... enthused at the prospect of love making. Not really. I think I'd rather be alone most of the time.

• I just want to get this book written, focus.
• Make sure my niece is cared for and loved, nurtured and growing, and keeping a relationship with her familiar that is positive
• Do my job well - deliver a smart and useable product
• Sculpt a bit.

Mayhaps, I would enjoy a movie with him from time to time.

Those 3.5 things. I just want to do those things as myself.

That's the pisser I think. I don't feel like I can be myself, truly, with the Greek. I'm holding a lot of who I am back from him because... I just don't think he gets it and I don't want to explain it because... see above points. Those are the only things I want to do. Get out of my way, please and thankyou.

I want a part time boyfriend I guess, and I don't happen to mind the warm roommate in my bed at night. I just don't want to feel responsible to a relationship - a building of a life  - I aint got no time for that.

I hope that I'm not taking advantage of gifts. And if the gift is that I do get a person who is content to have a part time girlfriend, I hope I can see that and rejoice in it for what it is.

Dear Universe, Gods, and Goddesses

Dirty Energy

Like I put some bad gas in my car, I feel like my soul is coughing and choking along. I'm angry.

I was fine up and until my landlady asked if I would like to pitch in for the firewood shed that her firewood guy built for 'us.' Only, it's a fixture at this house and I'm renting. Why the fuck would she ask me to pay for a portion of solid fixture of her house? It's like asking me to pitch in for renos.

Well, I'll tell you why (I think she would ask that). She's a penny pincher and she tries to squeeze dimes from anywhere she can, including asking people that she senses she can take advantage of ... for a small fee. In my mind, she has enough gal to be something like, "I'll put them in an awkward position where saying no makes you look like a bit of an ass...it's only $20" and this slight of hand towards insincerity has me wholly and completely incensed.

I believe I feel so strongly about this because I'm tired of people taking advantage of kindnesses, little tiny scratches that add up over time - and I'm starting to SPEAK UP. But that one was so small... that I didn't. And I'm mad at myself for not being clear.

This has spurned my slightly rabid, captured dog syndrome. Or, you know, large angry cat

First my sister, then my ex-coworker friend, my current full blown male ego coworkers, my thrifty landlord, my still emotionally developing sidekick (the Greek)...

Shitty parts of people and the world can fuck itself today. I'm not taking calls. 

Also, I have some PMS (Maybe!)

I came to write bullshit, and then I saw my last post where I declared I was going to stop meandering in bullshit. So, here we go with more of the same.

I would like to declare today as National Get Out of Your Head Day.

Walaa, it is done.

There is a lot of bullshit in my head. Lot's of balls in the air lately. I don't care for it. Here they are:

• I'm too busy
• Fuck off
• Leave me alone
• I want a cigarette
• Leave me alone
• Don't touch me

Today (it appears) I don't want a relationship. I don't want to care for any other adult.

Heres a thing...

The Greek likes to be a bit bossed around in the bedroom. He really likes he idea of a woman who demands he please her. He loves it. I get it.

I really, really do.

You know what I like in the bedroom though? Having sex with man.

Now, I'm as fun as the next gal and I like to indulge my mate. There are times where I'm more than happy to play the part and use him as my tool to get my way, and I even like the way it makes him come unglued. However, please refer to bullet points, now is not that time.

The last thing I want to do right now is get into character. Jesus, it makes me shudder thinking about it.

This in itself isn't the problem. Any bossy woman would just tell her wee man sex slave to buzz off, but this would involve me getting into character. I'm not a bossy woman. I am a woman who is wrought with thoughts and sticky notes of to do lists that are eating at my brain like termites.

What I think I would like to do right now is just fall down from the weight of all the things. What I'm trying to do is get the fuck out of my head - because it's National Get Out of Your Head Day.

The problem is that whiney me is afraid to tell him that I am, in fact, TOO MUCH WOMAN RIGHT NOW TO PLAY A PART FOR HIM SO that HE CAN FIRE HIS JOLLY ROCKETS. Also, I'm a little angry about the fact that I should have to tell him.

Also, I'm a little afraid that he will leave if I don't play the part more, and once I hear that thought or feel that fear, I converse with myself as follows:

"Well if he leaves because I don't want to actually be the one who is the slave sex by playing the dominate role that he requests then... well, GOOD RIDDANCE! Why don't you just leave now then? Let's just get this over with, shall we?"

and then...

"You know what?  This relationship is too much for me, I can't keep juggling things that are the things that make you stay. If your presence is conditional, then let's just break all the conditions now because I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THEM!!!!"

Ugh.

Can you see? The real problem is that I have not had this conversation with him. Only with me. And I become so frustrated that I end in the bulleted list.

The conditions of this relationship as I see them:

• Don't smoke (or do it so incredibly infrequently that I never notice)
• Be fun
• Be bossy
• Be sassy
• Have a gorgeous and tight bubble butt
• Long hair 
• Strive to eat healthy
• Indulge my fantasies once and awhile (like maybe once a week? *dimple grin + hopeful eyes)

Not horrible, right? Yeah, I thought it was doable too. Let's go through them, shall we? 

1. Extreme infrequent smoking
   Ugh, what does this mean? This is pretty relative. And why the fuck is someone telling me how much to smoke? For the record, I like to have 1-2 cigarettes a day. Sometimes it's more. 4 is a lot and I feel gross. I think if he knew that, he would be horrified and it would be a deal breaker, so I keep this horrible secret and have a whole regime of hand washing and breath mints. Also, I have fear and anxiety of being busted when I do smoke. Dudes, I'm almost 50 years old. What the fuck?
2. Be fun
   Obviously I'm naturally fun in the outside world. But also, I'm kind of a turtle. I like to crawl inside myself and do nothing. Which means I like to be quiet, have baths, knit, talk to myself, watch movies/tv
3. Be bossy
   I'm already kinda bossy; but I'm also, seriously, the chillest fucking person and I don't tend to give a shit about most things. Also, I expect people to know how to behave. Or, a better way of saying it, I enjoy being around people that know how to behave, like with emotional intelligence and shit. Outside of my natural bossy-lite, being more bossy seems like work. 
4. Be sassy
   Again, this is a natural trait but not all the time. Not when I'm in turtle mode (which is a good 50% of the time)
5. Tight bubble butt
   Sure, I want this too - but not as a condition to love, attraction,  and appreciation 
6. Long hair
   Ugh, whatever, he's just lucky I got tired of my bob finally. I have pretty hair. 
7. Strive to eat healthy
   I don't actually give a shit about this one. I run in the middle here, I think I'm good. 
8. Indulge my fantasies
   Ugh. Like I said... I dig this once in awhile. That he appears to need it? Get the fuck off my lawn, brah. 

I am a clusterfuck of angst, piss, and vinegar.

As soon as I see signs that he still loves me even though my hairs in a greasy ponytail and I have no make up on, I relax. But it doesn't last long, soon enough I convince myself that it's. just. a. matter. of. time until he bows out gracefully. SO JUST DO IT ALREADY. but don't actually?

I'm pretty sure I would miss him, despite how high maintenance he makes me.

With All Due Respect

Just going over the feelings of the day. Mornings are a bit fucked up because I have too much time to think and then feel. It's kinda bullshit.

My plan was to stop that, stop meandering the mire of useless thoughts and only move forward with functional actions. Don't stop to worry and fret over things that don't exist. That's tough when I have all this time in the quiet of a home.

I suppose some days I think that if the Greek wasn't here I would be more free to make noise and do stuff that was productive, not just sitting and being quiet which means scrolling the internet.

It doesn't actually follow that if he wasn't here I wouldn't do that, it appears to be something I'm just telling myself to justify the idle action.

I don't like my inner self in the morning. Sometimes. I think too much.

I feel too much, feelings like: I don't want what I have. Which means being responsible for a small person and, to some extent, the feelings of an adult male. I just want them both to see that, within reason, they are the makers of their own domain - within these walls  that we share. We are all responsible for our own happiness and part of that is making sure we treat each other well.

That's it. That's all. Everyone figure out your shit, because I'm over here figuring out mine. And I don't want to be doing it either.

How do I stop diving into feelings of despair:

• When I feel emotionally exhausted
• When I feel mentally exhausted
• When I feel physically older and a weaker (less energetic)

I suppose the first step is to stop denying that I am all of those things. The next step would be to take care of those things in the proper order.

Which is to say it's likely to feel like failure if I try and dive into working out when I'm mentally, emotionally exhausted to give it the physical energy it requires to feel successful.

I want to be a little angry at the adults around me that are off loading their laundry. I want to simply kick their laundry to the curb. I don't have cycles to do your laundry and I'm prepared to be selfish.


So fucking there.

With all due respect, fuck off.

Christmas is gross but I Do Love My Family

The tarot card reader said about my chakra layout that in my heart chakra I'm guarded with the Greek. The two of swords. She said that I let him in but then close myself off, perhaps because I don't really trust the whole thing.

It's not always him I don't trust. It's me. I don't always trust that I will want this. I feel sometimes like  I just want to be alone, as if this is just a bit too much work. Mmm, perhaps work is not quite the right word. It's a bit too much work of being open to it and then not open to it.

It's too much work imagining how it will all play out (every day, day after day)
Maybe we'll live in balanced and in an independent lovers bliss and I'll never have these thoughts again
Maybe he'll tire of this and move on 
Maybe I'll tire of this and move on
Maybe I'll look too old soon
Maybe he'll meet someone his own age and fall in love
Maybe he'll want to have kids
Maybe he wont like who my past has really made me
Maybe he hasn't really seen who I really am
Maybe I'm too tired for this... 

This is why I pull back from us, all those questions.

So just stop doing that, right? It's just that I always feel like I'm on the precipice of an answer to any one of those.

What if I just let him in and accepted myself as a bit too independent most of the time to be lovey-loverson and trusted him on his word that is kinda sorta one of the things he values about this relationship - that I'm independent enough that it doesn't impede his social life.

I guess I just don't trust that. I start to fall into "the trap" of trusting it, but then things start to fall apart:

I stop caring about having sex
He's becomes a pal not a lover
I start day dreaming of falling in passion love
I desire passion all over again

blah-ba-blah, blah, blah

I just don't want to think anymore. I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to fully accept him when it feels like our time is so limited.

Which is funny because that's why he didn't want to get into this relationship, because the end was so clear on the horizon and it was just going to hurt.

and then I just had to force it, didn't I?

For the record, I don't want to end it. I'm just finding that not be able to really relax in it is fucking exhausting and I don't know how long I can do whatever the fuck it is that I'm doing in my head.