Dear Vagina, He's Just Not That Into You

Honestly, I don't know if it's me or him. And the fact that I cannot let go is annoying the fuck out of me.

Why can I not let go. Why does it feel like there are so many underlying things not being said if that is not true?

Once upon a time and had an inkling of something that seemed so absurd to me. I had a niggling feeling that my then husband was using drugs - not my usual go-to assumption. He was acting strange, strange phone calls etc. Why didn't I think he was cheating on me? That is my thing, assume that they're cheating. But I didn't, I felt like maybe he was using, even though it seemed highly absurd, given certain circumstances.

And now, like a dog with a bone, I can not shake this feeling that there is more than meets the eye in my current situation. No matter how far I try and throw that bone, it lands at my feet like a fucking boomerang.

Back when I had a feeling my husband was using, I pushed it out of my mind as ridiculous, which soon spurned anxiety that my world was not real. I'm not saying that if I try and ignore someone's lack of motivation to be upfront with me is going to through me down a spiral - but, I'm saying something. Like, maybe I'll spontaneously explode one day. Such is my need to touch real things, thoughts, and feelings.

I swear to g.o.d that I keep trying to surrender this, it is completely out of my power to do anything about it - I know this. I am trying so hard to ignore the boomerang effect, but I keep tripping over it and landing on my face.

In the same vein that someone can no longer care for ice cream:

HE DOES NOT CARE FOR ME. HE DOES NOT CARE FOR ME. HE DOES NOT CARE FOR ME. HE DOES NOT CARE FOR ME rinse and repeat. 

Please let this get through to my head and heart (and vagina).

(ps: then husband was most definitely using. Go intuition.)

Yours truly.