I am here (and I don't particularly like it)

I can't go backwards, which is to say I cant (don't want to) run back to my marriage and hide behind the "sweat pants, dirty t-shirts, and bad hair" that is the metaphor of what my oh so comfortable relationship was - with a man that so safely stagnant and asleep that he didn't notice me and left me alone (something I realize now that I valued) and, right now, forward is scaring the fucking hell out of me.

fake smile

Right now, forward means getting a place with the Greek - which actualizes this relationship into something harder to flee from should it infringe on my leave me alone desires. 

I do feel a bit like a pretty, caged animal sometimes. I don't like that. It makes it hard to breathe. I am actually experiencing that can't get a full breath thing. I've come to understand that that is my version of anxiety which is usually pointing to something I don't want.

I'm not sure that I don't want it though. I'm not sure that I'm just afraid of it. I'm afraid of inviting him into my whole life and I don't know why. Because it will resemble a marriage too much? That's what I concluded whilst on vacation, right? And we talked about it and he said he also wanted independence. It's just that his behaviour suggests otherwise. He seems nervous, like he's going to lose me so he's holding on - a little tighter. 

I don't know. 

Also. This returning from a long vacation fucked up-ness. It's a real thing. I am disorientated and confused at the feeling of culture shock that I have. I feel like an alien. I don't like any of these people, they're all living fake lives. 

I need to mediate and accept that about them. I guess until I fall into the same slumber again myself. 

Also, my foot hurts. 

Day 0: I'm Fucking "Home." Thank Christ! Jesssus. Holy Fuck and Shit

I slept at the Olbia airport, if you can call that sleep. We made our flight to Rome and I slept for the 3 hours to Amsterdam. I did not sleep for any of the 9.5 hour flight to home. Instead, I just started going slightly buggy, buggy lite, about halfway in. That was a bizarre small jail cell that at least gave me movies, Tetris, and free booze. I want to put it behind me forever.

My first thought this morning, after getting home last night and entering hours of deep dreamless sleep was: I'm want my own place. Fuck this moving in together thing. I need my independent space.

But then again.

 I just spent an hour looking at rentals up island and where I am. Meh, meh, meh...

If I commit to a place up there - what and who do I really have? My youngest is wholly engaged with her own life and very happy. I would see her minimally.

Here, I could build a life and have a second bedroom.  And, I wanted to get involved in the theatre stuff down here.

What I need in Nanaimo is an Airbnb that I become regular at that is totally affordable.

Ugh. DECISIONS!

Whatever. I just want to feel like I have my own place. The place we're in feels like a place where my things are, not my place. It's home enough, but... .

I need some magic. Sweet, sustainable magic.

A place with

good movement and flow
independent space
creative space
invites family
invites friends
invites cats
warm
light
love and soul
freedom
joy
sustainable
sweet magic
growth

Universe, I am ready and I ask for your assistance

Day 24 (of 26)

Can we just go home now?

We've seen the things, we've exhausted the trip. All that's left if waiting it out in our little bnb, which for those purposes, isn't great. No internet (I have to tether to my phone data), no movies, little space, and shitty couch. Let the thumb twiddling begin. We have today and tomorrow, after tomorrow, we have to wake up to catch a 4am ferry to the mainland, ride an hour bus to the Olbia airport to catch a 7am flight back to Rome, where we need to meet up with our 10am flight home.

Me thinks we've cut it a bit tight.

I'm looking forward to being home. I want to visit my kids and hang out with  friends and drink wine. I want to go see a movie and eat popcorn. I want to sink into work  and solve puzzles. I love my job.

I want to sit in a bath and read, lay on my couch comatose and staring at the ceiling, drive my car, see my mom. I want to not see the Greek for a good coupla days.  Yeah, those things sound so nice.

Today I will ask the gift goddesses to help me locate sweet, meaningful gifts for my kids and look for a bag with which to carry all my goodies home comfortably. I will shop.

I will also be fabulous and work on my novel ('s outline) at a cafe, fulfilling a dream I've imagined. I will read silly books. I will... vacation.

That is all.

Day 24: La Maddalena

Including today, we have 4 days left. The wind is supposed to pick up today. We have biking planned and want to visit some, hopefully, more quiet beaches.

We have 6 days here in total, the hope was that it was 6 days of rest, beach, and sun after running all over Italy like madmen.

I have to say, I'm proud of myself on this trip. We essentially backpacked around Italy. I'm not sure what I thought that would be like when all my friends were backpacking the world after high school. I guess I imagined they were sleeping in dirty alleyways and hostels, if not sleeping in pretty hotels.

The only difference, I believe, is that I've done it in Airbnb's where I have the whole apartment. So, not shacking up with a slue of other travellers and sharing dorms in hostels. Small difference I think. So, I can say that I have backpacked across Italy. Not too shabby.

A place came up for rent at home, via a work contact. It appears to be the place I have been manifesting. It's a 2 bedroom with a large loft/den and it's on the fucking beach, with steps down to the beach. Pft. It's also only a 10 minute bike ride to work AND happens to be on my/our preferred bike ride route. So, that's weird.

I expressed interest but as it's actually available for the day after we get back and the work contact is actually an investor (that I have met and chilled with), perhaps it wont be "the one," so, we'll see.

As well, I signed up to volunteer at a local theatre a while back and they've finally reached out to gather volunteers. Their orientation takes place a restful 4 days after I get back.

I'm excited about this. I love acting and being on stage. Volunteering gets me back into the community and lets me dip my feet into the world of small theatre without making commitments I will regret. I've always had some issues with the people in the community, they can be so snobby and ridiculous, but I think I'm better prepared for that now. Perhaps I can be a props person until I get comfortable. Perhaps, opportunities will arise for some fun improve moments that will get me relaxed and back into acting.

All and all, heading home has some new promise to it. I still feel weird about committing to a place with the Greek, but it's tough to not consider given the prices of places. Living on my own would mean a teeny tiny studio perhaps - which would be just fine, too.

I'm amazed that we've gotten on as good as we have. I expected it to be fine, but perhaps not this lovely and easy going. He's a lovely, weird little soul. I do look forward to us both getting back to our lives and doing our own things.

I have not missed work - whatsoever.

I have not decided what and how to write as a result of my time off, but perhaps I've made progress (even if that means blowing it up to an unwritable story just to whittle it back down again).

My kids. My kids! I'm proud of them, they seemed to have made some interesting progress not having me around for a month. I'm really so very proud of the women they are. They are strong, intelligent, loving, and beautifully genuine. They're adults, albeit young ones. They are perfect.

I feel good. I'm looking forward to returning. I'm looking forward to returning to work having not missed it whatsoever, not thought of it or our big massive project. My perspective is settled and relaxed. I'm a clean, refreshed slate, ready to slay.

Off I go to bike off ALL THIS FOOD. Ugh

actual me on an electric bike ;)

ps: I think I might start trying to draw so I can illustrate my story - comic style. Just thought I would put that here for safe keeping. 

Day 18, Crisis Averted

After figuring out what was on my mind yesterday, I, as I do, immediately spilled my brain to the Greek - as he was waking up.

It sounded, even to me, that it was the prelude to we're gonna split up because even I thought that could be the case (albeit, not what I wanted).

How could I have my single self independence and be in a relationship? But what it came down to was just that that was/is what I need.

I need to know I can turn off this relationship and be a sexless mature single minded 47 year old woman that meanders around her life: rocks her job,  focuses on her family, and chills with friends.

Then, I can have those times where I am a romantic with my lover and we have endless sex, ride bikes that end in picnics, movies nights, and on and on.... I just need to be able to turn this particular one off for, I don't know, a week or so at a time? Maybe?

I need the Greek to know that this is a need and want of mine should we continue, and that I haven't been voicing it. I've just been being scared that I'm losing it.

Being in a romantic journey with him is such a gift, but I can't keep up with it. I'm someone different when I'm with him, and I enjoy it, but it's not my default and it takes some effort. Some of that effort is, somehow, being in a younger than my version of young, mind. It's exhausting.

A lot of the above, most likelyish, turns out to be more in my mind:  what I think I have to keep up with. And perhaps allowing an official version of turning off the romantic self will help me see that it is the same as what we have now and that I've just been in my head about how I don't actually have the default version of me on hand. And that weird thought that, if I let my guard down and relax in myself, he will see me as old? I think I think that, and perhaps he already sees that and loves me still.

I suppose we'll see.

We talked about all of this and he was/is on the same page. He also wants his independence and wants to see me feel free and happy. So, we'll go with this for now.

Having that conversation has allowed me to relax and be present on our trip. I was really getting silently afraid of trying to keep up with a version of myself that I thought I had to be, and that we were moving into a couple, whatever that means.

I just want us to be ourselves. I don't want to write a story of who we are. I just want to be me.

I want to contribute to his happiness without being responsible for it, which is where, for whatever reason, I was feeling we were headed.

And I suppose a big part of that comes from my time with my husband, where I wholly accepted responsibility for his happiness. I tried, time and time again, to raise him up and be his bridge to the world, and I don't want that. Luckily, this is truly something that the Greek does not need from me in the slightest.

I feel better and more engaged. I feel promise for when we get home. I feel free. Oh, thank god I feel free.

Six days in La Maddalena, here I come.

Day 17 Kythnos Island, Greece

In hindsight, it guess it would have been cool to blog from each location. Going from Bologna to Greece seems like a lot of missed opportunities .

It's just after 6am here on this amazingly beautiful Greek island, where we have a mind boggling view of the port from our picturesque BnB. It's still dark like night. It's the stuff day dreams are made of. All of it.

Speaking of day dreams. I am just... struggling... to put words to this somewhat different? feeling I am having. Incongruent. It's an incongruent feeling. I suppose it's something like feeling beside myself: is this really happening, who the fuck am I, or better yet, who the fuck have I become? kind  of thing.

Day 17, essentially 9 days left of a 26 whirlwind trip around Italy with a jaunt over to (amazing) Greece with my boyfriend, partner, co worker, lover, whatever-you-call-it person.  It's been more than perfect, we even managed sleeping in a single bed together at his Aunt and Uncles, and I persevered around solely greek speaking people. There so much to write about it all, perhaps I will save that type of recounting for when I get back and it can be steeped with reflection. Now, I just want to write about all this stuff inside me, these inconsistencies.

My life with this man. What the fuck? I don't understand it. On paper, as it stands right now, it's lovely and perfect. It has ups and downs, space and togetherness, but I'm missing something for me - and I think it's more space. More independence.

Leaving my marriage, I never wanted to walk into another marriage. I didn't want to be one with someone else; and here I am, one with someone, living in a one bedroom apartment just steps away from our shared place of employment.

We talk about whats next,  because I was very upfront that the living at this place thing was a means of saving for this trip (which I barely did, btw). I have been upfront that I would be moving after. So, we discuss getting a larger place for us. And sometimes, I really, really want that.

I think back to when I had my own place and it was somewhat exhausting not just cohabiting the same place. It was like never ending dating. Living together seemed like it would be easier to just do our own things and come back at the end of the day. However, that started to seem like marriage. As if somehow, we started to lose that loving feeling, that urgency to see each other.

So, maybe, it would be better for me to just have my own little bachelor space?

But, a two bedroom space also seems idyllic, with an art/guest room. But, it would come at a cost, we would become a working relationship.

Perhaps the version where we get a real place seems like an attempt to "play house" and be a certain type of couple that I've written a story for in my head - and those never end like you expect. But I can't help but write the fairly tale story of happily ever after.

As I write this, the sun is slowly rising while I sit on this amazing white, beautifully furnished, deck on a greek island. One has to wonder how one could possibly be conflicted. 




I love him, but sometimes it doesn't seem real. It seems like a story book that I'm reading, not living.

And it's a fault in me. Somewhere inside me, I'm not allowing myself to accept this (and then, not accepting that I'm not accepting it). I'm not saying this in a oh I've lived such a traumatic life that I can't allow myself to accept something good boring kind of way. It's like I'm not allowing myself to accept it because I know where it's going to end and... well... I don't want that journey. I've had that journey.

I don't want the happily ever after  story. I just want the hey, look at you waking up and living your life each day where I am, potentially, someone different on different days. Somedays, I'm independent me who is not in love and is an empty slate (aka a grown-ass woman). Some days, I'm in love and joy and sex with my friend and lover (a grown-ass woman enjoying herself on her terms). Other days, I'm a mom and women, gracefully/joyfully getting older, sharing my soul with my adult children, family, and close friends (a woman truly in love with her life).

It's conflicting - maybe - but I think that's what I want. Those three things.

Day 10. Bologna

We stopped over here because I messed up on the check in/check out times on our way to Ravenna, so we needed another night somewhere else and decided to go half way and get some of this Bologna food. We were tired and grumpy, the food here was like all spaghetti here, it tastes like what I make at home - which if you knew me, you would laugh. 

So - realtalk - for a relationship that has a large gap in years and started at work - a relationship that I don't think many people would have given it a lot of time - we're doing really very good.

I question this relationship a lot. How long will it last, how long will he be attracted to me (and my aging), how long will I be attracted to him (his inexperience overall), and I just can't escape the fact that we just work well together.

We work together, live together, and now we're travelling together. These strains really test people, and here we are: respecting our space, adjusting attitudes when we're feeling assholey, picking up our shitty moods so as to respect the others experience in Italy.

I keep wondering what will show the holes in our facade and what is always left is that it's not a facade.

Neither of us know the best before date of this connection. All we know is that today, we love each other in the way that we do.

We've had a lot of fun so far. The longest we've stayed anywhere has been 3 nights in La Spezia; our BnB sucked and the town was meh, and we still managed to enjoy it. Florence was the best - our place was the bomb and the sites were close and easy.

Today, we're off to Ravenna for another 3 nights. Going over the reviews for this BnB has left me a little concerned that we're going to get a lemon. I hope it's not. I hope it has soul. I'm really looking forward to being in Ravenna.

After that... it's Greece to visit the Greek's Aunt and Uncle. After that... it's Sardinia for 5 days. 5 relaxing, do nothing but beach and explore islands days.

I'm surprised and not surprised that this is working out so well. I'm also glad, happy, and at peace. I don't think I would have had near as much fun taking a trip like this with anyone else.

This has been and is an amazing experience. Oh... small obscure de ja vou.

ps: this is only day 10 of 27 days and we've been to: Rome, Siena, Florence, Pisa, La Spezia + Cinque Terra + Portovenere, and now Bologna. Shit, that's a lot.