I am here (and I don't particularly like it)

I can't go backwards, which is to say I cant (don't want to) run back to my marriage and hide behind the "sweat pants, dirty t-shirts, and bad hair" that is the metaphor of what my oh so comfortable relationship was - with a man that so safely stagnant and asleep that he didn't notice me and left me alone (something I realize now that I valued) and, right now, forward is scaring the fucking hell out of me.

fake smile

Right now, forward means getting a place with the Greek - which actualizes this relationship into something harder to flee from should it infringe on my leave me alone desires. 

I do feel a bit like a pretty, caged animal sometimes. I don't like that. It makes it hard to breathe. I am actually experiencing that can't get a full breath thing. I've come to understand that that is my version of anxiety which is usually pointing to something I don't want.

I'm not sure that I don't want it though. I'm not sure that I'm just afraid of it. I'm afraid of inviting him into my whole life and I don't know why. Because it will resemble a marriage too much? That's what I concluded whilst on vacation, right? And we talked about it and he said he also wanted independence. It's just that his behaviour suggests otherwise. He seems nervous, like he's going to lose me so he's holding on - a little tighter. 

I don't know. 

Also. This returning from a long vacation fucked up-ness. It's a real thing. I am disorientated and confused at the feeling of culture shock that I have. I feel like an alien. I don't like any of these people, they're all living fake lives. 

I need to mediate and accept that about them. I guess until I fall into the same slumber again myself. 

Also, my foot hurts.