A Pleasant and Wisely Charmed Life

The universe has been so good at brining me things I have asked for. I have tried my best to be humble and ask for the best of me to come forward, to have sweet things enter my life - accepting now that I do deserve sweet things, too.

Life has been hard. Sadistic sexual abuse happening as part of my very first memories and experiences, the aftermath of that abuse, the way it shaped the way I felt and the choices I made. Drug and alcohol addiction - the lovely losers that were my teachers. Poverty and lack of education. All these were the building blocks of my adult life. They were very hard to scale, but I did it.

The entirety of my life does not need to be hard, this is what I realized. This is why I began to look to the universe and ask for something sweet. It's as if I woke up one day and realized the words I speak to my children, you can have anything you want. So, what did I want?

Sweetness. Laughter. Truth. Love.

I've worked so hard all my life to overcome those adversities that were given to me, I have focused my life on that work. I will always continue the work, but now I want to change my focus.

Deserve isn't the right word. After all that hard work, I deserve something sweet, but I can't find a better one right now.

Maybe it's after all that hard work,  I am ready to let sweetness, love, laughter, and truth in. Yes, that is it.

I wouldn't let it in, I wasn't willing to have people in my life that hadn't experienced life the way I had. They were not a fit. I needed those hard, dirty people around me. My people. Those of my people that had chosen to live a better life but still carried the scars. The wounded. I was one of the wounded.

I am not anymore. I do not wish to live out the rest of my life on the backs of my scars. I'm ready to let those go. I am ready to accept a different kind of love. An innocent love, free of battle boundaries.

Now, universe, the only boundaries I ask for are love, kindness, and truth. If this type of free love challenges me to be more open, less guarded, then I aspire to be ready. From the bottom of my soul.

I also ask for balance so that I can bring the best of me into my work, the success of this company and my coworkers.  I ask for the wisdom, ambition, and success.

For my children, I ask for the purest of love to act as their strength to build their lives, their truths, their passions.

For Chris, I pray - with all my heart - that he will find the same epiphany I did, the willingness to let joy in. To not ride the rest of this life out on the backs of scars.

For me, I ask for a pleasant and wisely charmed life.

Take a Chance on Me

Epiphany:  I want to do fun things, adventurous things, SUP'ing, music, arting, etc...


I had day dreams of doing some of these with the Greek, but instead he's going to do them with some one his own fucking age. Fabulous.

And I thought, well that doesn't stop me from finding other people to do those things with, I could do them  with anybody - but that didn't hit the spot. That was not the actual thing I wanted or want.

And then it hit me like a punch in the gut.

I want someone to want to do those things with me. I want a romance wherein somebody likes me enough to say, "Hey, let's go do fun things!"

And I looked back on my life and realized I've never had a relationship with someone where I've experienced that.

I've been watching romantic movies all my life because I long to have a fun, healthy, passionate, firey, alive relationship.

I can't believe the two main men in my life have been so emotionally deadened. Closed up. Left the building.

And I believe I chose them because they were safe. They would always keep their distance from me, and I could complain about it as if I was the more evolved person.

Dear Universe, I don't want to play it safe anymore - not like that. I'm ready to open up to love. Scared, but, I think, ready.  I'm ready to take a chance.

Feeling Slightly? Pathetic

"The truth shall set you free but first it will piss you off" 

- G. Steinem

One of my old blogger friends, who ended up becoming a Facebook friend, shared this quote. At first I was like, ya, that's a good one *keep scrolling by*.

And then, as another old blogger friend used to say, my brain went Wait, what?

You see, it's been a glorious June/July with the Greek - although not without its fair share of fucked up drama as well. Our last time together, 1 week ago, was fun (as usual) but then also, it had a lot of tenderness to it to. Things that felt a lot like love things. Intensity that you... I don't know, could see, feel, hear.

He had Sade on and at one point the song This is no Ordinary Love comes on and he sings the chorus an then laughs lightly saying something like she's got that right meaning... "ours" is no ordinary love.

Because he feels it, too.

but the TRUTH is:

He doesn't see this going anywhere, he doesn't consider me as someone he would spend time with outside of bed.

Because I am... old.er.

What a simple truth - wherein lies freedom from the hope of something more, the dangling truth of what I am actually looking for and will not find with him.

The big truth here for me is "what I am actually looking for," that's the one that pissed me off first. Then it was the fact he doesn't see me like that, that pissed me off second. Two truths for the price of one.

I was convincing myself that this was all I wanted but secretly I envisioned enjoying each others company in other ways too. Building a relationship that was not overly serious but not just sex.

Our last night together, we had, apparently, both decided it should be the last. Me because he's just too confused and young. Him because he's decided that he wants to open himself up to the potential of a serious relationship (with someone his own age. ugh). He had meet a girl he was interested in pursuing and said, "I want to give it a fair shot and I can't if I'm always thinking of you."

And so now, he's pursing. They have a date on Monday - to do SOMETHING FUN.

I want to do SOMETHING FUN! And also, you know, bully for him.

what-the-fuck-ever.

A Kinetic Sleep

He was telling me at work that he was hungry, he told me how pretty I was that day, he dropped suggestive comments, he wanted time alone with me whenever he could, he was candid and honest about feelings and things...

Later that day, I concluded once again that I would most likely have to let this lovely bubble go.

Later that night, I fucked him in my mind.  I couldn't help but imagine him imagining me, my mouth and tongue on his cock, me looking into his eyes from below as I seduced him with my mouth.

He was there. I felt him grab my ass, I felt his urgency, his desire, his confusion, his lust. The feeling was so strong that my body started to move with his. He was there.

Every part of me was lit up electrically, sensations I have never felt quite like that.

As I neared orgasm just by moving my hips into his imaginary body, imagining and feeling him inside of me, he said, "look into my eyes." I didn't, couldn't, not just yet, so no my head shook as I reached deeper. Not yet. Until I knew it was in my grasp... I was there, I was coming.

I looked into his eyes a little defiantly, his cock deep inside of me, his hips pressed against mine,  as I experienced an incredibly full orgasm. He was there.

And then, for the first time in my life, I experienced what I have heard other girls experience early in their sexual life. It was so pure and complete that I cried.

Alone. 45.

I didn't really sleep for the rest of the night. I truly felt caught in some other dimension, whether it was of my own creation or not.

Welcome Back...

Success, Beauty, Strength

I must keep repeating these three words, they are my signs, my pointers, my goal. I feel those things in me are depleted, my tank is running dry.

I'm at a place where staying busy is preferred because then I don't feel the emptiness of my life: friends, lovers, children.

I am reminded of that one summer when I was about 11. We lived in a derelict old farm house that we patched up with paint and elbow grease. This one particular summer, my older sister was gone for the whole summer, my parents worked from 6am to 6pm. I was fairly new to the shitty little Alberta town we were in and any friends I did have were all gone for summer vacations. I was completely alone.

Although I'm sure I did, I can't remember feeling loneliness. All I remember is the routine I created:

TV: The Alan Thicke Show, Welcome Back Kotter, and a few others. Those were my morning shows. After that, I would spend some time with our dog outside, playing with him. I would climb the tree I named Herbert and read. I would visit the horses when they let me. I would wander the farm aimlessly.

In the afternoon, I would bake chocolate chip cookies for my parents and wait for their return.

Same thing everyday for about 6 weeks of that summer. To this day, it was/is the most memorable summer I had. It was/is so full of sweet moments that I can't name or put my finger on, but I suppose they were all created by a deep sense of acceptance. Acceptance that I had no one and nothing to do.

It was a beautiful discovery that I didn't know I had made until many years later.

I find myself at this moment again. I am at the starting line of having no one and, outside of work, nothing to do.

Weekends come and I take myself for a bike ride or walk into town to get groceries - things that will get me out of the house and take up time. In each of these, I bask in the beauty of walking or riding, being alone doesn't bother me at all; but, all the same, it echoes aloneness - as if I have somehow failed to have a life.

My 11 year old self gave me insight. I know that this alone time, no matter how odd it can feel, is rich in gifts. Gifts that will include some amount of personal struggle to see, like the hike on a mountain to witness the sunset. I will get there.

The acceptance of aloneness being the key, the key being the beauty.

Beauty being love, joy, connection, light, laughter
Success so that when my work week is over, I can leave it behind and experience my life, my beauty.

Strength because I think I'm going to need it.

Blinders

What an incredibly dramatic week last week was.

• My daughter was in Nice, France at the fireworks on Bastille Day (totally traumatized, but absolutely alive and well. Thank fucking Universe). 
• The Greek wanted to be honest (after fabulous, fun activities - before finding out about the attack in Nice) and say that he find himself attracted to the younger version of me he sees in my 22 yr old daughter who I recently hired (thanks to my couger-ness, he is only 6 years older than her. I, on the other hand, am 18 years older than him.)
• I had the worlds worst misogynistic, demanding, entitled customer so far up my ass the entire time the two first things have been going on. 

I believe all has worked out just fine. As mentioned, my daughter in Nice is well. 

The Greek has professed that he totally understands that nothing could or would ever happen and that he wouldn't put my daughter in that position AND that was a lapse in reason because he does see the younger version of me and it was confusing and/or misleading for him at the time. He had just wanted to be honest.

If the misogynistic prick continues on his tirade, I can probably fire him.

I have no idea where any of these things might go (accept for my younger daughter, she's coming the fuck home safe and sound), and today, I find myself totally okay with it. I feel kinda sick to my stomach once and a while around the whole Greek thing. He works with her every day, how confused or clear will he get about what he wants? 

The customer, the work, the job - jesus, it's amping up fast. I have so much work to do to make this the best possible thing. I need to focus all my energy on manifesting my career move. 

That's it. That's all. 

A Tribe Called Lovers

And....... We're Back!

Fuck me (literally, please) that took a lot of time and a whole lot of patience, but it's done.

Last Friday marked a continuance with the Greek, and I do believe we've crafted a "truce" or... better yet, a deal.

I can breath again. I can stop being distracted by the confoundedness of what the fuck do you mean this is not going to happen, cant you feel this shit between us? and move on with my life - looking for the next addition to my tribe called lovers.

Yay fucking me.