Volume

I accidentally turned up the volume on our culture, and perhaps I came unglued from my north star voyage at the same time, returning to old habits of fearing decisions I made. 
I feel overwhelmed and disconnected from life.

I miss my daughter or I miss being a more consistent part of her life. My expectation for me as a mother is that I am always there, I am a constant. Having moved an hour and a half away has completely distanced me from that.

However, if I moved back there I wouldn't be in the same home as her. I would see her as much or perhaps less then I do now (given that when I do go to stay there, I stay at her house). So, why do I feel so much  guilt and why do I refuse to let go of that guilt?

In order to continue to be relevant in my job, I needed to move here. There, work is scarce and unfulfilling. Here, there is opportunity to earn the level of income I want so that I can retire one day.

I don't know if I'm just unhappy with my decision to move in to a house with the Greek, as if that makes it look that I left my 18 year old daughter with her dad so that I could have a relationship (not that's even that bad - I think?) . That is not what I did. If I didn't have this job - or a job of note - I would be back there in a heart beat.

I feel stress. I feel sad.

Other potential factors: I'm moving in 2 weeks and my pal's brother is staying in our living room for 2 weeks (one week left).

I just want a home my daughter can and does come to. A home where we can connect easily and naturally.

Other potential factors: Work is fucking huge and I'm loosing the strength to meet the challenges we face. We're growing and bringing in professionals, I have the opportunity to expand my skill set to match theirs, but I have a niggling sense that I will have to fight for this a bit. Perhaps it's just an internal struggle, I don't know.

I'm sad and disconnected from my source. I feel like I'm lost in a forest and my energy stores are low. I feel like there is nobody to talk to about this. No one that could help me forward, because my experience is that I don't know anyone that knows more than I do in this kind of discussion.

So I just made my first counselling apt through my EAP.... fingers crossed.

I do feel that perhaps if I was stronger about my position to live here, it would help my daughter be stronger about it, too. As it is, I'm giving her reason to doubt that she doesn't need me or that I did the right thing.

I just don't like the distance I feel.

So, it was a bad time to turn up the volume on philosophical thinkers which led to opening twitter which lead to intensely loud volume on political stupidity that, for a second or five, makes you feel that if you don't witness it, you're part of the problem. Ugh, the ugly stress of watching people invest 100% of their heart into self righteous hatred. Ouch.

In other news, I don't want to do yoga today. I'm too sad.

Artist: Adam Hall (looooove this guy)

Day 1: Back to Work

Ooooo. Pretty.

It's a slow crawl out of my vacation head, and I think I made a step towards better yesterday. I stayed inside all by myself, read my book then watched crap romcom movies on TV until late afternoon. Finished my last 3 cigarettes and felt sick about it. It was magical.

Then, I went out and bought a new Bodum coffee pot, a double walled, drip filter,  glass deal that I looked at before we left. After considering it for 26 days and then using the espresso style Italian maker  the whole time we were gone, it was a happy purchase. I like it, it's pretty and makes coffee.

The beginning of the day started with nerves and questions and confusion. Coming back, I jumped into us looking for a place together, but only because amazing places started showing up. I found this one, it was the only one that really worked out for us to go see (a bunch of others just didn't line up). The owner asked for a introduction letter about who we are - and boy, did she get it - she loved it. We met her last night and she said she was we had her at the letter, it was so good and detailed and personal. She's looking for harmony. So am I.

I was about to put a stop to the move, but as this one was booked from the day we were leaving Italy, I figured we would go and see it through but not take it.

We're taking it.

She was great. Down to earth, totally chill, smokes the weed; and the place is gorgeous and pretty damn perfect. While the ad said no pets, when asked, she said she wouldn't say no to us for that. It's warmed by firewood. It's been renovated. The main bedroom has two big closets. Theres a big second bedroom. It's sweet.

I just. just.

The universe road seemed so aligned and clear. We're taking it. And I'm happy.

Today is, well, it's back to work day. I'm going to sneak into the gym at 7, stretch ever so slightly, maybe pump a weight or two. I'm going to be kind to me.

Then I'm gonna zoom into my job with blinders on.

Wish me luck.

I am here (and I don't particularly like it)

I can't go backwards, which is to say I cant (don't want to) run back to my marriage and hide behind the "sweat pants, dirty t-shirts, and bad hair" that is the metaphor of what my oh so comfortable relationship was - with a man that so safely stagnant and asleep that he didn't notice me and left me alone (something I realize now that I valued) and, right now, forward is scaring the fucking hell out of me.

fake smile

Right now, forward means getting a place with the Greek - which actualizes this relationship into something harder to flee from should it infringe on my leave me alone desires. 

I do feel a bit like a pretty, caged animal sometimes. I don't like that. It makes it hard to breathe. I am actually experiencing that can't get a full breath thing. I've come to understand that that is my version of anxiety which is usually pointing to something I don't want.

I'm not sure that I don't want it though. I'm not sure that I'm just afraid of it. I'm afraid of inviting him into my whole life and I don't know why. Because it will resemble a marriage too much? That's what I concluded whilst on vacation, right? And we talked about it and he said he also wanted independence. It's just that his behaviour suggests otherwise. He seems nervous, like he's going to lose me so he's holding on - a little tighter. 

I don't know. 

Also. This returning from a long vacation fucked up-ness. It's a real thing. I am disorientated and confused at the feeling of culture shock that I have. I feel like an alien. I don't like any of these people, they're all living fake lives. 

I need to mediate and accept that about them. I guess until I fall into the same slumber again myself. 

Also, my foot hurts. 

Day 0: I'm Fucking "Home." Thank Christ! Jesssus. Holy Fuck and Shit

I slept at the Olbia airport, if you can call that sleep. We made our flight to Rome and I slept for the 3 hours to Amsterdam. I did not sleep for any of the 9.5 hour flight to home. Instead, I just started going slightly buggy, buggy lite, about halfway in. That was a bizarre small jail cell that at least gave me movies, Tetris, and free booze. I want to put it behind me forever.

My first thought this morning, after getting home last night and entering hours of deep dreamless sleep was: I'm want my own place. Fuck this moving in together thing. I need my independent space.

But then again.

 I just spent an hour looking at rentals up island and where I am. Meh, meh, meh...

If I commit to a place up there - what and who do I really have? My youngest is wholly engaged with her own life and very happy. I would see her minimally.

Here, I could build a life and have a second bedroom.  And, I wanted to get involved in the theatre stuff down here.

What I need in Nanaimo is an Airbnb that I become regular at that is totally affordable.

Ugh. DECISIONS!

Whatever. I just want to feel like I have my own place. The place we're in feels like a place where my things are, not my place. It's home enough, but... .

I need some magic. Sweet, sustainable magic.

A place with

good movement and flow
independent space
creative space
invites family
invites friends
invites cats
warm
light
love and soul
freedom
joy
sustainable
sweet magic
growth

Universe, I am ready and I ask for your assistance

Day 24 (of 26)

Can we just go home now?

We've seen the things, we've exhausted the trip. All that's left if waiting it out in our little bnb, which for those purposes, isn't great. No internet (I have to tether to my phone data), no movies, little space, and shitty couch. Let the thumb twiddling begin. We have today and tomorrow, after tomorrow, we have to wake up to catch a 4am ferry to the mainland, ride an hour bus to the Olbia airport to catch a 7am flight back to Rome, where we need to meet up with our 10am flight home.

Me thinks we've cut it a bit tight.

I'm looking forward to being home. I want to visit my kids and hang out with  friends and drink wine. I want to go see a movie and eat popcorn. I want to sink into work  and solve puzzles. I love my job.

I want to sit in a bath and read, lay on my couch comatose and staring at the ceiling, drive my car, see my mom. I want to not see the Greek for a good coupla days.  Yeah, those things sound so nice.

Today I will ask the gift goddesses to help me locate sweet, meaningful gifts for my kids and look for a bag with which to carry all my goodies home comfortably. I will shop.

I will also be fabulous and work on my novel ('s outline) at a cafe, fulfilling a dream I've imagined. I will read silly books. I will... vacation.

That is all.

Day 24: La Maddalena

Including today, we have 4 days left. The wind is supposed to pick up today. We have biking planned and want to visit some, hopefully, more quiet beaches.

We have 6 days here in total, the hope was that it was 6 days of rest, beach, and sun after running all over Italy like madmen.

I have to say, I'm proud of myself on this trip. We essentially backpacked around Italy. I'm not sure what I thought that would be like when all my friends were backpacking the world after high school. I guess I imagined they were sleeping in dirty alleyways and hostels, if not sleeping in pretty hotels.

The only difference, I believe, is that I've done it in Airbnb's where I have the whole apartment. So, not shacking up with a slue of other travellers and sharing dorms in hostels. Small difference I think. So, I can say that I have backpacked across Italy. Not too shabby.

A place came up for rent at home, via a work contact. It appears to be the place I have been manifesting. It's a 2 bedroom with a large loft/den and it's on the fucking beach, with steps down to the beach. Pft. It's also only a 10 minute bike ride to work AND happens to be on my/our preferred bike ride route. So, that's weird.

I expressed interest but as it's actually available for the day after we get back and the work contact is actually an investor (that I have met and chilled with), perhaps it wont be "the one," so, we'll see.

As well, I signed up to volunteer at a local theatre a while back and they've finally reached out to gather volunteers. Their orientation takes place a restful 4 days after I get back.

I'm excited about this. I love acting and being on stage. Volunteering gets me back into the community and lets me dip my feet into the world of small theatre without making commitments I will regret. I've always had some issues with the people in the community, they can be so snobby and ridiculous, but I think I'm better prepared for that now. Perhaps I can be a props person until I get comfortable. Perhaps, opportunities will arise for some fun improve moments that will get me relaxed and back into acting.

All and all, heading home has some new promise to it. I still feel weird about committing to a place with the Greek, but it's tough to not consider given the prices of places. Living on my own would mean a teeny tiny studio perhaps - which would be just fine, too.

I'm amazed that we've gotten on as good as we have. I expected it to be fine, but perhaps not this lovely and easy going. He's a lovely, weird little soul. I do look forward to us both getting back to our lives and doing our own things.

I have not missed work - whatsoever.

I have not decided what and how to write as a result of my time off, but perhaps I've made progress (even if that means blowing it up to an unwritable story just to whittle it back down again).

My kids. My kids! I'm proud of them, they seemed to have made some interesting progress not having me around for a month. I'm really so very proud of the women they are. They are strong, intelligent, loving, and beautifully genuine. They're adults, albeit young ones. They are perfect.

I feel good. I'm looking forward to returning. I'm looking forward to returning to work having not missed it whatsoever, not thought of it or our big massive project. My perspective is settled and relaxed. I'm a clean, refreshed slate, ready to slay.

Off I go to bike off ALL THIS FOOD. Ugh

actual me on an electric bike ;)

ps: I think I might start trying to draw so I can illustrate my story - comic style. Just thought I would put that here for safe keeping. 

Day 18, Crisis Averted

After figuring out what was on my mind yesterday, I, as I do, immediately spilled my brain to the Greek - as he was waking up.

It sounded, even to me, that it was the prelude to we're gonna split up because even I thought that could be the case (albeit, not what I wanted).

How could I have my single self independence and be in a relationship? But what it came down to was just that that was/is what I need.

I need to know I can turn off this relationship and be a sexless mature single minded 47 year old woman that meanders around her life: rocks her job,  focuses on her family, and chills with friends.

Then, I can have those times where I am a romantic with my lover and we have endless sex, ride bikes that end in picnics, movies nights, and on and on.... I just need to be able to turn this particular one off for, I don't know, a week or so at a time? Maybe?

I need the Greek to know that this is a need and want of mine should we continue, and that I haven't been voicing it. I've just been being scared that I'm losing it.

Being in a romantic journey with him is such a gift, but I can't keep up with it. I'm someone different when I'm with him, and I enjoy it, but it's not my default and it takes some effort. Some of that effort is, somehow, being in a younger than my version of young, mind. It's exhausting.

A lot of the above, most likelyish, turns out to be more in my mind:  what I think I have to keep up with. And perhaps allowing an official version of turning off the romantic self will help me see that it is the same as what we have now and that I've just been in my head about how I don't actually have the default version of me on hand. And that weird thought that, if I let my guard down and relax in myself, he will see me as old? I think I think that, and perhaps he already sees that and loves me still.

I suppose we'll see.

We talked about all of this and he was/is on the same page. He also wants his independence and wants to see me feel free and happy. So, we'll go with this for now.

Having that conversation has allowed me to relax and be present on our trip. I was really getting silently afraid of trying to keep up with a version of myself that I thought I had to be, and that we were moving into a couple, whatever that means.

I just want us to be ourselves. I don't want to write a story of who we are. I just want to be me.

I want to contribute to his happiness without being responsible for it, which is where, for whatever reason, I was feeling we were headed.

And I suppose a big part of that comes from my time with my husband, where I wholly accepted responsibility for his happiness. I tried, time and time again, to raise him up and be his bridge to the world, and I don't want that. Luckily, this is truly something that the Greek does not need from me in the slightest.

I feel better and more engaged. I feel promise for when we get home. I feel free. Oh, thank god I feel free.

Six days in La Maddalena, here I come.