Love and Exhaustion

I'm too confused to know what I want to write. Last minute, at the end of the day, we go into the boardroom to talk work - but I know it's not that. He has this way of being so obvious in a passive aggressive way. He talks work a bit and then asks the state of my cycle, which for valentines day, was out of service. He says, "why don't we take a break this week."

Stating his brother is town and things are complicated for him, maybe this is a good time to just not get together this week -

Because, really, it's just about sex.

But also, we said we love each other?

Now, I was also okay with not being with him this week. Last week was exhausting, sex was exhausting, having that epic orgasm because I left my mind and body and fucked him was exhausting. I was totally okay with not preparing for him, being perfect for him... but when he said that, after finding out I can't have sex, we'll just skip this week, I was pissed off. Very pissed off.

I really don't understand why. I felt jilted because I had my period, because I couldn't have sex, I think. AND it was Valentines day and he didn't even say one nice thing or send me one of his sweet messages -

So, it seemed pretty clear to me that he was waning. His affection was waning. And that pissed me off.

What is love if your attraction so easily wanes? But this includes mine. So, he's not alone, he just beat me to it and probably always will. So, my ego was hurt, punched.

He called an hour or so later, not happy with the my reaction and how that felt. He cited that he just has a lot going on with his brother here, which... I kinda call bullshit. If he still felt as attracted to us, that wouldn't have been an issue, that's my intuitive knowing. However, he still called and that is something.

I told him, "Look, if this dying out for you a bit, then tell me that, don't make excuses." To which he said he wasn't - but I don't think he was prepared to be honest about that one the phone.

I don't know where I stand. Last week, I was feeling like, Meh, I don't know if this is what I want... but I also wasn't prepared to call it off and walk in the office, see him and know I couldn't have him.

So. What the fuck is this. That's the million dollar question.

I'm also very scared that he's going to wake up and see how old I am and be grossed out by me. Nobody wants to be seen like that. A part of me wants to call it off based on that.

I don't feel old when I'm not with him. When we're together, my age sits right behind me, whispering in my ear, I'm going to catch up with you... hehehehehe. 

It's stressful and exhausting.

Don't know what I want or what is. What is love.

Universe, show me the sweetness and the strength of the day. Also, show me him. For better or for worse.

Also, seriously dude? Absolute silence on Valentines day? What were you thinking? That will always bite you in the ass.

We were absolutely in love for the last few months and now, as things do, they are getting normal, the gloss of in love wearing thin, what happens now? Can we navigate that?

Maybe I'm lucky to get out now? 😳 (Two million dollar question)