Potentially My Obsessions and the Truly Wise

I don't fall in love often. I don't often meet someone who keeps my attention for long. Generally speaking, I see a generic flaw and realize - not compatible.

The last two men I have fallen for share a similarity - I think.

They are sweet, romantic even (at times), but they have both been  - available up and until the luscious chaos of passion dissipates.

Also, they have had big hurdles: one lived on the opposite side of the continent and the other lives on the opposite side of age and experience.

I have been completely enamoured by their affection and attraction to me, they have seemed to see and rejoice in flicker of my spirit, and I have loved them for that.

I'm embarrassed by the last night I spent with the Greek - that night where I angry fucked him because orgasms are beyond me -  I left my mind and just went for it. Could that have been the end for him? Did he see something in me that he didn't like?

I let myself be me and he didn't like it. I let myself be open to the experience, and it was embarrassing. I showed my heart afterwords, had that little cry of holy fuck, I did it and that was too much for him.

I think that.

If that's the case, then I know, que, sera, sera. I shouldn't feel embarrassed at all, but I also don't want to be patronized - especially by him, "Maybe it did turn me off, but that's me, not you. You should experience that... just maybe with someone who really loves you."

I don't want to hear that.

What about the fact that I felt the end? Why am I not talking about that? That last night, I was feeling very meh - all the sex we "have to have" ugh, it's exhausting - yet I answered the door in lingerie. I wanted it to be the same.

I feel some shame for that. Not really sure what that's about.

I want to ask the universe what I can expect now, but there are so many words of my own scrambling around, I don't trust that I will be able to know the difference between me and it, but here it goes:

It was tough to formulate one question, but for all the messiness and words shouting about, the only thing I could make out was the repeated, Trust and love, and abundance - which actually sounded like, Trust in love and abundance.

So I will, accepting whole heartedly that I don't know where it will take me and that it may, in the end, have nothing to do with him ♡.