Ugh

So, we called it quits again. Ugh. Whatever. The d r a m a.

I'm not really understanding how I feel. Somewhere in there, there is relief. Now, I don't have to worry about not being able to poop the days I spend with him in Victoria. Big bonus.

I don't have to worry about shaving my legs and bikini area, itching and scratching at ingrown hairs for the week after.

I can fully be myself at work without trying to beguile him. I can dress up and not wonder if I'm doing it for him, because I DON'T CARE anymore.

None of that means, however, that I don't still have all those feelings for him, that I don't love him in a certain way. But, it seems clear that, perhaps, both of us do not see this as a love that can bridge the gap from exciting passion to normal ever day hey, we're together day to day love.

I will miss the sex though. I will really miss that. I will miss the time we spent together. I will miss not learning if we could have just been normal together, that sweet spot normal.

But, whatever, I'm relieved to be free of the drama of work, love, and orgasms, and the stress of realizing my age difference over and over again.

Also, I did a sculpture months ago, a female nude that represented me satiated after us making love. I wanted him to want it. I wanted him to see the specialness of it, but he didn't.

I had showed another co-worker who loved it and wanted to buy it. I had told the Greek about the sculpture and its origin and when our co-worker wanted it, I asked him if he felt it was weird that I might sell a moment of him and I to a different male co-worker. He said, no, that he had no feelings about that (interesting).

In the end, when I fired it, one of the legs lifted and the foot looked like shit and I've hummed and hawed about selling it to my other co-worker in its state. This co-worker said that he would still like to see it and have the choice - so I am exactly a week from brining it to him and practically giving it away when last night, during our good-bye (eye roll italics) session, the Greek said he would like to have the sculpture.

Just under the wire.

It's his. Either he or I am meant to have it.

I wonder if him and I can do fun things together now that we're just friends.

Probably not - because he'll just feel the in love part and he's very good at being strict about cutting what he thinks is not good for him completely out of his diet.

Whatever.