Too Much?

Okay. So, I've got to settle down.

It's been over a year that I have been rather intensely focused on this energy force that has been placed in front of me. Desire, want, love, satisfaction, soul food.

October 2015 marked the beginning of this - how are we already at February 2017? Jesus. It has been since the summer of 2015 that he has been actively on my mind, everything about him drawing me to him over and over again no matter how much I attempted to minimize it and make it nothing.

And now, when we're together, and he's cooking in my kitchen or his, or he's at the white board working - my mind can say, yeah, I'm fine, I could take or leave this while at the same time my heart and soul shines like the sun, my brain lights up as if it's been hooked up to a fresh copper wire and all the lights turn on, and my body - my heart, my soul -  says, my god, I love you.

It is as if I have not been given a choice. How many times have I said this?

Again, there are so many of the markers where if anyone else did or said some of the things he says and does, the attraction would be muted. I would accept that they are not of the same mind as me and simply walk away. BUT THERE IS SOMETHING IN HIM THAT MATCHES SOMETHING IN ME that makes it impossible to walk away. It is his spirit. It is my spirit. It is undeniable that those two spirits are, on some otherworldly level, joined.

He lacks the life experience and depth of applied understanding based on those life experiences - although he certainly has his share of experience and applied wisdom, it doesn't (couldn't) spread the breadth that mine does. This will likely be something he will always lack in comparison to me. There are things that happen when you:

Have children
raise children
Are married for twenty years
Work hard in that marriage
Walk through addiction + love = carnage
Come from poverty and abuse
Marry someone with the humble breadth and experience of a murder charge
Become friends with murderers 
Do the honest work, starting at the age of ten, of choosing to climb out and away from poverty and the weight of abuse
Succeed in the above

None of this is to say that I don't have anything to learn from him. While my experience traverses plains he'll never see, he has the gift of having a (his) life time of being able to focus on how to succeed in other ways (when you don't have to rebuild your entire foundation). I can most definitely learn from that.

All that to say, I guess, that - if in the event my spirit and his are as joined as they feel - we will have to respect and work within our differences.

He challenges me. I haven't figured out yet if those challenges are, in fact, legit. Nobody has ever challenged me before, because when it comes to the soul, I am very well versed. But he seems to be bringing in a different aspect of the soul - the business of the soul. I am intuition where he is analytics. He wants to push my intuition, or at the very least challenge the validity of it. I haven't decided if and where that has legs.

But I have a feeling it might have legs nonetheless. I mean, we can both learn from each other... aint that the way it should be?

That sounds well and good, but I suppose that, today, I have doubt that we will. As playful and alive as these two spirits are, I think they are equally as stubborn. I suppose I fear that a bit.

All of this to say, I'm spending too much time feeling the intensity of all of this.

I love him. I do. It seems insane to me, but it is... what is.