My Awakening, Clearly

This blog has become about my sexual relationship with myself. Wait. It always has been that, only I wasn't having sex before. With sex being a important part of a loving relationship, this has become an evolved blog on my awakening as it pertains to sex and love. That's all this really ever has been.

Part I
I am so frustrated with myself and him today. Sure, I have PMS and that is exacerbating the issue, but still - therein usually lies some truth that is being amplified.

In my dream this morning, he was at my house and my kids (grown daughters) where here, my eldest, closer in age with him, friends with him, and he once attracted to her as a younger version of me, were here. He was play fighting with her, pillow fighting like he tried with me - because he wants me to submit him - and then she was in position that he fancies and he was engaging with her. In the dream they were just being friends at that point so I couldn't "call him on it." Then, they laid on the floor and he spooned her and that's when I said "Fuck you." In full, I said,

Me: What the fuck are you doing?

Him: What?

and then I came around the corner with my purse in hand and fucking threw at him, hitting his back, and said "Fuck you. Get out. Now."

To which, and this is the weird and interesting part, he ripped off a small pin of (I think it was this?) Alice in Wonderland and said, "Fine, I'm not enjoying this (or something like that) anyways," and threw the pin at me.

What. the. fuck?

Why Alice in Wonderland? What does my brain think about the meaning of Alice in Wonderland where it would use that as meaning or a clue? Because this whole thing is just some fragmented mish-mash of want and reality wrapped up in a dream that is actually a reality that exists on a different plane?

For the love of G.O.D., man.

Part II
The other aspect of this is he loves it when I boss him around and/or get passionately angry (or strong) around a point. He once said to me, when we were discussing something about jealousy and my abundance of it when called upon, "Sometimes you have to fight for your man."

I wonder if he semi sub-consciously tries to make me angry so he can see the fire in me. He's attracted to the fire. But how far will he go (in his youthful wisdom) to see that?

I think he's been trying to evoke me to unleash on him, demand of him, with only a hint of awareness of what he's doing. Remember, he's Greek.

Also, he mentioned that this is kinda how he see's me (and I'm not saying he's wrong):

Norse Angel: Valkyrie

The downside of this is that I am actually more Vulcan than spit and fire, because I have learned that this protects me. I think he would like to see me un-vulconized and live more in the passionate moment.

Question: Is this relationship breaking me open to explore life from more of an alive stand point? Is the universe a part of this, is this part of the gift?

Part III
Was I turned off by aspects of him this week? Did I see the the parts of dating a younger, goofball guy that was/is not enough of an adult man for me? OR. Big OR... am I so afraid that now that we've said the love stuff he will see me as I am (old, logical, boring), so I am sabotaging it because, (and this is where the clearly comes in), I'm going to get hurt. I think that this is equal parts of each.

I think that he is already feeling a little bored and is wondering if what he initially enjoyed with me, the playfulness, still exists.

I think (know) that I am now at the place he was before he surrendered to this, this isn't going to go anywhere, I'm just going to get hurt, fuck it, I'm out.

but then again - I DON'T REALLY KNOW. ANYTHING.

Universe, Goddesses, please show me what I need to see to move with, through, beyond this. I surrender to you.

Please show me the light within the day - so that I might be ready and open to what I need to see.

Right now, this is about me.