Potentially My Obsessions and the Truly Wise

I don't fall in love often. I don't often meet someone who keeps my attention for long. Generally speaking, I see a generic flaw and realize - not compatible.

The last two men I have fallen for share a similarity - I think.

They are sweet, romantic even (at times), but they have both been  - available up and until the luscious chaos of passion dissipates.

Also, they have had big hurdles: one lived on the opposite side of the continent and the other lives on the opposite side of age and experience.

I have been completely enamoured by their affection and attraction to me, they have seemed to see and rejoice in flicker of my spirit, and I have loved them for that.

I'm embarrassed by the last night I spent with the Greek - that night where I angry fucked him because orgasms are beyond me -  I left my mind and just went for it. Could that have been the end for him? Did he see something in me that he didn't like?

I let myself be me and he didn't like it. I let myself be open to the experience, and it was embarrassing. I showed my heart afterwords, had that little cry of holy fuck, I did it and that was too much for him.

I think that.

If that's the case, then I know, que, sera, sera. I shouldn't feel embarrassed at all, but I also don't want to be patronized - especially by him, "Maybe it did turn me off, but that's me, not you. You should experience that... just maybe with someone who really loves you."

I don't want to hear that.

What about the fact that I felt the end? Why am I not talking about that? That last night, I was feeling very meh - all the sex we "have to have" ugh, it's exhausting - yet I answered the door in lingerie. I wanted it to be the same.

I feel some shame for that. Not really sure what that's about.

I want to ask the universe what I can expect now, but there are so many words of my own scrambling around, I don't trust that I will be able to know the difference between me and it, but here it goes:

It was tough to formulate one question, but for all the messiness and words shouting about, the only thing I could make out was the repeated, Trust and love, and abundance - which actually sounded like, Trust in love and abundance.

So I will, accepting whole heartedly that I don't know where it will take me and that it may, in the end, have nothing to do with him ♡.

Better Left Unsaid

Because they could all very well land on deaf ears.

All of these words, still stuck inside of me. For the love of g.o.d.

Because I don't know what is me and what is him, and hindsight is miles ahead of me, still.

And because my thoughts and feelings are precious, lovely things that warrant respect from me.

All of these things should remain unsaid, left in a state of grace.

I should take them off the subway, one by one, and hang them from the branches of trees, where they can get aired out in soft wind while the blossoms begin to emerge.

That, if anywhere, is where my words belong - in the church of trees.

Clueless

So, the only words I've said to him since were, was, a text that I sent that said "Sigh, 😔"

That's it. And it was a "Wow, that was weird, that was sudden. I feel... things."

Now, you're right - that text doesn't explicitly imply those words and could be read a few different ways - and now I'm left wondering how he read it, because he certainly didn't, in his common totally cut off reaction to us once he's made up his mind, respond.

Thankfully, this morning, my thoughts around this are Meh, whatever. Okay. Because, I see that I really don't know what he wants from me. And, that's okay.

Because, clearly, it has to be.

I love you, but I don't love you
I want you to stay but I want you to go
Be yourself, but also, just be my version of you
Tell me your feelings, but don't have feelings that are unattractive
Talk to me, but don't talk to me
Fight for me, but don't be needy or jealous

These are the things I think he thinks, and in a rather volatile fashion.

I don't have enough hindsight to see what my shit in this really is. Too available, too passive, too wanting?

He's too young to have a mature ongoing connection.

No Words

There are so many of them, jammed into mouth like sardines on an over-crowded subway, they're pushing into one another, all confused, is the subway stopping anywhere, where do they get off?  "Do you know where we're going" one says to an other. "I don't know," it says.

Usually, the subway cruises along, and when it's a stop for a string of words, they simply  get off and go about their work.

They're worried, all of them, they've never quite experienced this. They're all there, all the words that want and need to be said, but the door wont open. The door is stuck.

On the other side of the door, there are no words.

Sore

My heart, my skin, my body is sore.

When he came over the other night to say good-bye and discuss the end, it was the same as last time. He cried a lot, talked about the reasons why he loves me, said that he's never met anyone he could have such honest and real discussions about life with. Said that he loved the parts of my life I shared with him... . Said he was probably an idiot for letting this go.

Me? I don't know. I don't know if I trust how real all that is for him.

We had reached a stage in a relationship where the next level was normal everyday life, it had to evolve once again.

And I don't know how I feel about that or if I just overwhelming sense that he is incapable of that while I am far too capable given my extra life experience and maturity.

and I am sore, because I felt things for him - things that I'm not sure now were misplaced or misguided, perhaps.

I am sad that I was wrong in thinking we could do this.

I'm sad.

How Much Can She Take?

I think that's the name of the game he is either wittingly or unwittingly playing. Sometimes I wonder if he isn't doing some of these things to test me, to see if I really do love him or if I will leave. His behaviour at work, the way he talks to me sometimes, is getting a bit out of hand. Our other co-worker came and checked on us to see if we were actually okay, laughingly, because he was talking so loud - and he just pushes everything I say to max test, pushing me and pushing me, testing my theories ad nauseam.

How much can she take before she stands up to me? Will she stand up to me? In the past, he has said it has been very attracted to me when I do stand up to him.

I think he needs the drama. I think that's the game he's playing with himself.

The fire game.

And this is where I stop pulling back the rope. It feels irresponsible to myself to keep him from taking all that he wants or needs. If he wants to hang himself so badly, for whatever reason, I can't stop him.

It's as if I'm seeing a different side to him. It's as if I asked the universe to show me what I need to see... which, of course, I did.

I feel as though I'm going to need to muster grace and follow the one star, my truth... which, of course, I will.

Ugh

So, we called it quits again. Ugh. Whatever. The d r a m a.

I'm not really understanding how I feel. Somewhere in there, there is relief. Now, I don't have to worry about not being able to poop the days I spend with him in Victoria. Big bonus.

I don't have to worry about shaving my legs and bikini area, itching and scratching at ingrown hairs for the week after.

I can fully be myself at work without trying to beguile him. I can dress up and not wonder if I'm doing it for him, because I DON'T CARE anymore.

None of that means, however, that I don't still have all those feelings for him, that I don't love him in a certain way. But, it seems clear that, perhaps, both of us do not see this as a love that can bridge the gap from exciting passion to normal ever day hey, we're together day to day love.

I will miss the sex though. I will really miss that. I will miss the time we spent together. I will miss not learning if we could have just been normal together, that sweet spot normal.

But, whatever, I'm relieved to be free of the drama of work, love, and orgasms, and the stress of realizing my age difference over and over again.

Also, I did a sculpture months ago, a female nude that represented me satiated after us making love. I wanted him to want it. I wanted him to see the specialness of it, but he didn't.

I had showed another co-worker who loved it and wanted to buy it. I had told the Greek about the sculpture and its origin and when our co-worker wanted it, I asked him if he felt it was weird that I might sell a moment of him and I to a different male co-worker. He said, no, that he had no feelings about that (interesting).

In the end, when I fired it, one of the legs lifted and the foot looked like shit and I've hummed and hawed about selling it to my other co-worker in its state. This co-worker said that he would still like to see it and have the choice - so I am exactly a week from brining it to him and practically giving it away when last night, during our good-bye (eye roll italics) session, the Greek said he would like to have the sculpture.

Just under the wire.

It's his. Either he or I am meant to have it.

I wonder if him and I can do fun things together now that we're just friends.

Probably not - because he'll just feel the in love part and he's very good at being strict about cutting what he thinks is not good for him completely out of his diet.

Whatever.

Love and Exhaustion

I'm too confused to know what I want to write. Last minute, at the end of the day, we go into the boardroom to talk work - but I know it's not that. He has this way of being so obvious in a passive aggressive way. He talks work a bit and then asks the state of my cycle, which for valentines day, was out of service. He says, "why don't we take a break this week."

Stating his brother is town and things are complicated for him, maybe this is a good time to just not get together this week -

Because, really, it's just about sex.

But also, we said we love each other?

Now, I was also okay with not being with him this week. Last week was exhausting, sex was exhausting, having that epic orgasm because I left my mind and body and fucked him was exhausting. I was totally okay with not preparing for him, being perfect for him... but when he said that, after finding out I can't have sex, we'll just skip this week, I was pissed off. Very pissed off.

I really don't understand why. I felt jilted because I had my period, because I couldn't have sex, I think. AND it was Valentines day and he didn't even say one nice thing or send me one of his sweet messages -

So, it seemed pretty clear to me that he was waning. His affection was waning. And that pissed me off.

What is love if your attraction so easily wanes? But this includes mine. So, he's not alone, he just beat me to it and probably always will. So, my ego was hurt, punched.

He called an hour or so later, not happy with the my reaction and how that felt. He cited that he just has a lot going on with his brother here, which... I kinda call bullshit. If he still felt as attracted to us, that wouldn't have been an issue, that's my intuitive knowing. However, he still called and that is something.

I told him, "Look, if this dying out for you a bit, then tell me that, don't make excuses." To which he said he wasn't - but I don't think he was prepared to be honest about that one the phone.

I don't know where I stand. Last week, I was feeling like, Meh, I don't know if this is what I want... but I also wasn't prepared to call it off and walk in the office, see him and know I couldn't have him.

So. What the fuck is this. That's the million dollar question.

I'm also very scared that he's going to wake up and see how old I am and be grossed out by me. Nobody wants to be seen like that. A part of me wants to call it off based on that.

I don't feel old when I'm not with him. When we're together, my age sits right behind me, whispering in my ear, I'm going to catch up with you... hehehehehe. 

It's stressful and exhausting.

Don't know what I want or what is. What is love.

Universe, show me the sweetness and the strength of the day. Also, show me him. For better or for worse.

Also, seriously dude? Absolute silence on Valentines day? What were you thinking? That will always bite you in the ass.

We were absolutely in love for the last few months and now, as things do, they are getting normal, the gloss of in love wearing thin, what happens now? Can we navigate that?

Maybe I'm lucky to get out now? 😳 (Two million dollar question)

My Awakening, Clearly

This blog has become about my sexual relationship with myself. Wait. It always has been that, only I wasn't having sex before. With sex being a important part of a loving relationship, this has become an evolved blog on my awakening as it pertains to sex and love. That's all this really ever has been.

Part I
I am so frustrated with myself and him today. Sure, I have PMS and that is exacerbating the issue, but still - therein usually lies some truth that is being amplified.

In my dream this morning, he was at my house and my kids (grown daughters) where here, my eldest, closer in age with him, friends with him, and he once attracted to her as a younger version of me, were here. He was play fighting with her, pillow fighting like he tried with me - because he wants me to submit him - and then she was in position that he fancies and he was engaging with her. In the dream they were just being friends at that point so I couldn't "call him on it." Then, they laid on the floor and he spooned her and that's when I said "Fuck you." In full, I said,

Me: What the fuck are you doing?

Him: What?

and then I came around the corner with my purse in hand and fucking threw at him, hitting his back, and said "Fuck you. Get out. Now."

To which, and this is the weird and interesting part, he ripped off a small pin of (I think it was this?) Alice in Wonderland and said, "Fine, I'm not enjoying this (or something like that) anyways," and threw the pin at me.

What. the. fuck?

Why Alice in Wonderland? What does my brain think about the meaning of Alice in Wonderland where it would use that as meaning or a clue? Because this whole thing is just some fragmented mish-mash of want and reality wrapped up in a dream that is actually a reality that exists on a different plane?

For the love of G.O.D., man.

Part II
The other aspect of this is he loves it when I boss him around and/or get passionately angry (or strong) around a point. He once said to me, when we were discussing something about jealousy and my abundance of it when called upon, "Sometimes you have to fight for your man."

I wonder if he semi sub-consciously tries to make me angry so he can see the fire in me. He's attracted to the fire. But how far will he go (in his youthful wisdom) to see that?

I think he's been trying to evoke me to unleash on him, demand of him, with only a hint of awareness of what he's doing. Remember, he's Greek.

Also, he mentioned that this is kinda how he see's me (and I'm not saying he's wrong):

Norse Angel: Valkyrie

The downside of this is that I am actually more Vulcan than spit and fire, because I have learned that this protects me. I think he would like to see me un-vulconized and live more in the passionate moment.

Question: Is this relationship breaking me open to explore life from more of an alive stand point? Is the universe a part of this, is this part of the gift?

Part III
Was I turned off by aspects of him this week? Did I see the the parts of dating a younger, goofball guy that was/is not enough of an adult man for me? OR. Big OR... am I so afraid that now that we've said the love stuff he will see me as I am (old, logical, boring), so I am sabotaging it because, (and this is where the clearly comes in), I'm going to get hurt. I think that this is equal parts of each.

I think that he is already feeling a little bored and is wondering if what he initially enjoyed with me, the playfulness, still exists.

I think (know) that I am now at the place he was before he surrendered to this, this isn't going to go anywhere, I'm just going to get hurt, fuck it, I'm out.

but then again - I DON'T REALLY KNOW. ANYTHING.

Universe, Goddesses, please show me what I need to see to move with, through, beyond this. I surrender to you.

Please show me the light within the day - so that I might be ready and open to what I need to see.

Right now, this is about me.

HaHa (also, FUCK YOU)

I think we're done. Or, I am

I don't know what happened exactly or if it will continue. Maybe I saw something I didn't like?

I didn't have a horrible time at all, I was just in love in a much different way - back to like kinda love. Maybe?

Fuck. I don't know.

Also, I felt that he was kind of over it too and I'm not entirely clear if my feelings were a preemptive cover up to what I imagine he might be feeling. He was pulled away from our work project.

I don't fucking know. I hate not knowing. I don't care either, only I do.

This is fucked up. Whatever.

He always works so hard for me to have an orgasm and the pressure just kills it. He wanted me to ride him the way I did a couple of weeks ago where I had an amazing surprise orgasm. He wanted me to do that again so I could have another orgasm. It wasn't happening, and for some reason I did something I've NEVER done before - I gave him and the position hell. I angry fucked him like an animal.

You want me to fuck you? Fine. Fuck you, I will. 

I had an amazing orgasm, totally left my body and just went for it, not expecting anything until wham.

Then, I cried - 'cause, you know, I left my body and had a great orgasm.

FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK. I don't know what this is.

I think I'm mad at him. Because that makes total sense.

Also, it's a full "snow moon" with eclipse. #MoonRuled

and now...

for something completely different.

I'm staying at my umpteenth airbnb and it's the sweetest apartment in a heritage house. It has it's own little sweetheart balcony, full kitchen nice living room, layout where you could actually get privacy from someone else just by being in another room (rare in the days of open concept). All this, and it's probably my least favourite.

Airbnb owners - I've been spoiled and now you have a lot to live up to.

First off, for a place that was listed under "whole house," I don't have a private entrance and had to walk through the owners home to get in and out. Weird.

See, I do the whole house deal cause I'm not the ABnB type that likes to hang with my host (or even see them). I'm private. So, while it's fine.... and the people are so nice and make it comfortable, it's not my deal.

Next, the fridge was (gasp) empty. This is where I've really been spoiled now. My last few places have had basic things: coffee, cream (at the least), EGGS, english muffins, spices, BEER! (someone left 3 beers for their guests!).

Which is to say, it's 5:48 AM, I have no coffee (but black tea - not even half points for that shortsightedness), and it's cold (original drafty windows). I'm gonna be at work from probably 6:30 AM to 4PM cause I just want to hurry up and get the hell out of here. Gonna be a long day.

Arrogance is My Master (Maybe?)

Going into work today. We work very closely together and are perhaps at a bit of rough patch on a project. This is, I guess, where this can get difficult - or he can.

I've got a wee bit of PMS and am seriously sensitive, so yesterday when he announced he would back off the project that I appear to be leading, it made me sad.

I don't know how much of it is ego on his part, I believe some of it is. But there is also a bit of me not listening because I think/feel I know the quickest line between the two points. Nonetheless, I talked to him frankly about it yesterday (over the phone, gotta love working remotely), with a lump of PMS in my throat, stating my case as to why he shouldn't withdraw his contribution to the think tank just because I seem to be overriding his ideas for mine (hmm), he interjected and said, "I just want to hug you right now" which was not something I expected and was happy, relieved to hear.

The conversation had a tenderness to it - a don't go, if you will, from me. A I need you. A realization that we can't do this without you.

In the beginning of the conversation, I asked him if there was ego involved on his part and if he was doing to this to teach me a lesson "you want to lead this project, just see how you do without me..." He said no, and I believe that answer, but I still think that some of this is egocentric. On some level, I think he feels frustrated and hurt that his ideas aren't working (and or we're not listening). But he's right that we are piggy backing on his ideas, using his brain to jump start stuff, and then (nicely) shitting all over them. That's not cool either.

I walked away from the conversation feeling love, awareness,  and concern. We need him. I need him.

But we all need balance, too. This is a tough project we're working on, it's going to take all of us humbly working together - mostly, me and him.

That's my manifestation for the next while: healthy productivity, listening, and balance.

PS: I don't understand why I love him like this.

Whatever it is seems to touch something in me very deeply.

Too Much?

Okay. So, I've got to settle down.

It's been over a year that I have been rather intensely focused on this energy force that has been placed in front of me. Desire, want, love, satisfaction, soul food.

October 2015 marked the beginning of this - how are we already at February 2017? Jesus. It has been since the summer of 2015 that he has been actively on my mind, everything about him drawing me to him over and over again no matter how much I attempted to minimize it and make it nothing.

And now, when we're together, and he's cooking in my kitchen or his, or he's at the white board working - my mind can say, yeah, I'm fine, I could take or leave this while at the same time my heart and soul shines like the sun, my brain lights up as if it's been hooked up to a fresh copper wire and all the lights turn on, and my body - my heart, my soul -  says, my god, I love you.

It is as if I have not been given a choice. How many times have I said this?

Again, there are so many of the markers where if anyone else did or said some of the things he says and does, the attraction would be muted. I would accept that they are not of the same mind as me and simply walk away. BUT THERE IS SOMETHING IN HIM THAT MATCHES SOMETHING IN ME that makes it impossible to walk away. It is his spirit. It is my spirit. It is undeniable that those two spirits are, on some otherworldly level, joined.

He lacks the life experience and depth of applied understanding based on those life experiences - although he certainly has his share of experience and applied wisdom, it doesn't (couldn't) spread the breadth that mine does. This will likely be something he will always lack in comparison to me. There are things that happen when you:

Have children
raise children
Are married for twenty years
Work hard in that marriage
Walk through addiction + love = carnage
Come from poverty and abuse
Marry someone with the humble breadth and experience of a murder charge
Become friends with murderers 
Do the honest work, starting at the age of ten, of choosing to climb out and away from poverty and the weight of abuse
Succeed in the above

None of this is to say that I don't have anything to learn from him. While my experience traverses plains he'll never see, he has the gift of having a (his) life time of being able to focus on how to succeed in other ways (when you don't have to rebuild your entire foundation). I can most definitely learn from that.

All that to say, I guess, that - if in the event my spirit and his are as joined as they feel - we will have to respect and work within our differences.

He challenges me. I haven't figured out yet if those challenges are, in fact, legit. Nobody has ever challenged me before, because when it comes to the soul, I am very well versed. But he seems to be bringing in a different aspect of the soul - the business of the soul. I am intuition where he is analytics. He wants to push my intuition, or at the very least challenge the validity of it. I haven't decided if and where that has legs.

But I have a feeling it might have legs nonetheless. I mean, we can both learn from each other... aint that the way it should be?

That sounds well and good, but I suppose that, today, I have doubt that we will. As playful and alive as these two spirits are, I think they are equally as stubborn. I suppose I fear that a bit.

All of this to say, I'm spending too much time feeling the intensity of all of this.

I love him. I do. It seems insane to me, but it is... what is.

Trust is Hard

Yesterday was odd for me. I have that thing that pops up for me that leaves me unable to have sex - it makes me feel unworthy. And then my age creeped up, because I just had a soft lift procedure - because I have to? I don't have to, obviously and I would have regardless of my relationship status to someone much younger than me. I would have enjoyed it more not being in this relationship. Having done it now somehow made me feel like I did it for that -when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I didn't.

It just made me think... how long will I be chasing this more than if I wasn't with him? Clearly, he doesn't really care, he fell for me as is. But I will want to be my best best self.

Anyways, the combination of those two things, chasing youth and being inflicted by something that makes me unavailable sexually left me feeling emotionally exhausted. If I could have just had sex normally this evening, I don't think I would have felt so bleh.

Like I'm chasing someone I wont be able to keep up with or live up to. That he wont or doesn't love me enough. Or be like being with someone who was at the same life experience, wisdom, and understanding of life as me. I suppose I still feel this way today.

Ever since he has surrendered to us, the roles have reversed. More and more, I am feeling the way he was in the beginning: we shouldn't do this because I'm going to get hurt. I am becoming more vulnerable.

Could I stop though? I can't imagine what that would look like. I only get so far as walking into the office and seeing him and feeling the I can't have him feeling. I don't want that.

Something sweet, that is the surrender. Love, pure and simple. Passion, pure and urgent.

We're here, For better or for worse... we're here. I will have to return to trust and acceptance.

All else is insanity.