Like the Wind

Feelin' some stuff, not sure what it is. The Greek - what is happening? He seems to be... unravelling? Or, the veil I had over my own eyes is unravelling? Am I seeing what I was willing to overlook before? Perhaps a mix of the two - I saw hints of it because he didn't show it as much, but now he is relaxing more and showing more of that side of himself and I'm not as willing to see past it.

He's a bit of a moody, insolent child at times. I simply don't invite that into my daily life, I don't invite that behaviour to my parties, ya know? And if it shows up at my party, I generally end up saying, "Sorry, not sure how you got here, but you're going to have to leave...this party is for adults," as nicely and respectfully as I can - of course.

The result of all this him letting his child run rampant at my life party being:  I dreamt long of my husband and his grown-up-ness, and wished I could sneak back to that life.

I mean, do I really want to be back with him again?  I can't imagine sex with him now, I'm just not there. But, I love him, always have that was never an issue. He was/is my like-mind soulmate - we just lost real life, alive, connected connection. We killed it with his addiction and subsequent methadone.

I miss him though. I miss him a lot.

Alas, I'm on my own here and I'm good with that for the most part. In fact, saying that statement feels absolutely perfect in my heart and soul. Who knows what happens with the Greek from here, maybe it's just a phase. Maybe it's not. Maybe he will not understand how to be a emotionally responsible man in a relationship with a emotionally responsible woman.

Either way,  I feel good. A little sad, perhaps, but much better for having said all this and gotten it out of my head.

New Day

It's a friend's birthday. He passed away some years ago now - stupid accidental OD - I like to think he makes a visit to me on this day. Maybe he's around. If you are... Hi :)

It's my bday on Sunday. I got my period yesterday after 41 days of not having it, because I'm peri-menopausal and this shit is now random. I feel absolutely fantastic and super fucked up with a headache, nausea, and mood swingy af. But, it's okay because it has that feeling of being slammed down in a "you are now instantly grounded" Oprah voice kinda way. Welcome back to, Earth!

My inner asshole is FREE and expressive, which is kinda nice. I'm enjoying that. It happens so rarely. It's a little scary though, I think I can be horribly scary as an asshole.

I took today off work. I bought some hideous and cool, unflattering sweat pants, that fit everywhere accept for being 5 sizes too small around the waist (thanks Urban Planet), and am loving being home in them. Best bday gift ever (except, of course, for the loosing of circulation around my waist. Self inflicted pain seems fitting though).

I'm going to clean my house, finally put all my clothes away, and then drive up island to hang with my one friend and my kids. Fingers crossed my expectations aren't too high and I don't end up by myself on Friday night in a hostel, that would be weird.

I've got to clean up my manifesting - open all my doors and windows for a swell of great energy this weekend. I'm gearing up for a - regardless of any other thing that may or may not happen - day of celebrated aloneness wherein I rely on  the simple joy of Bridget Jones 1&2, pizza & coke (maybe sushi) , and Purdy's chocolate (or Häagen-Dazs vanilla almond) to ring in my 47th year on Sunday.

47 fucking years. Haha. I'm reaching those age bands where, as a young punk, when I heard someone died at this age I was like, "we'll they lived a long life."

Hahahahah.

Oh, and, yeah, the Greek and I are still a thing. Maybe that will change now that he's met my PMS monster.

I have a lot of good feelings about him and I, but I'm in no condition to speak of them. Because, fuck him. Right? For no apparent reason, fuck him. I'm kidding, of course. ? No, really I am. He just can't win anything with me right now. I will either:

• cry because he's going to leave me because I'm crazy for the next 4 days
• look at him with absolute disdain because he's not funny
• accuse him of "looking at me like that."
• need him to pet me non stop
• get mad at him for patronizing me

or all of these in a span of 10 minutes, so it's probably better he stays far away.

Oh great, I just messaged him (with the intention of being nice and checking in) on the one app where I can see if he's a) read my message and b) read it and is not responding.... I could have just texted him and never known the difference.

shit. pray for him.

Sweet Calm

Not sure why I'm feeling so - naked - so to speak. Vulnerable I suppose is a better word, but vulnerable because I feel naked. My usual barriers not in place.

The Greek pal didn't want to not talk to me while he was away and asked what I needed to feel comfortable with it all. I said I needed him to not sleep with other women. So, if that was an important part of this trip for him, then just let me go while he's away.

He said it was not important and he would much rather be in touch with me than leave that as an open opportunity. So, that's good.

Obviously, I don't trust that 100%, but... I trust it enough to enjoy his trip with him.

Work is fine. Sometimes I'm not busy enough and that leaves me feeling yucky somehow. We have a big production going on for the next few days and it will be busy - that doesn't seem to fix things.

I miss him. I feel a bit sad about that.

I have to/want to stop smoking so that I don't have to deal with this double life bullshit when he comes back. I guess I feel a bit off about that as well.

I'm afraid that when he comes back, the intensity will be exhausting. So, I need to clean my soul...

Open myself to change and letting go (smoking)
Ask to see the gentle quiet in us
Look to sweet calm
Show me the light in the day.

I surrender.

Schrödinger's Cat (sort of, I guess)

Come on... seriously. He's boldly (or honestly) stated that he will probably have sex with someone(s) while he's there. We even talked about it before he left.

Yesterday, I exactly told him that if that was the case, I didn't really want to continue chatting everyday because every day I see his face, I'm imagining him with someone. Or, right after he messages me, I imagine he picks up with some girl and I see them in my minds eye having sex... great.

I would rather just not be together while he's there ie. don't talk like we're something while he's fucking other women.

I don't think he got it. He said, look I promise you I will be consistent in my messages and you will never be able to tell from my behaviour if I did or didn't.

Ummm, no. That just means EVERY TIME I talk to you, it's safe to assume you just were or are just about to be with someone. No. No, no, and... no.

If I don't talk to him while he's there, then he's in a box that I don't open. He's him and I'm me. We are separate. I don't have to know either way. I can assume he did or will at some point without feeling he did or imagining he did every.fucking.time I talk to him.

:|

Okay, so, it's starting to hit me. His absence. It's funny ish.

He's on his own now on one of the Greek Islands bound to be full of other travellers. Women travellers. He's going to meet them, he flows better with the ladies. He's going to hang out with them.

I believe he's rented a scooter, which looks like a blast, but my gut sees him touring the island with a couple of lovely girls, ladies, women and, you know, connecting.

My mind saw him having carefree sex with one of them. I almost vomited.

This almost violent fear of loss struck me (and then my phone lit up with a message from him, a photo (of which I enlarged to see who I could see in the reflection of his sunglasses... oi) ).

That comfort zone of having him with me all the time, exhausting me sexually and otherwise - leading me to think I would be okay without him because you know, I need some space - is suddenly gone.

My heart breaks at the unwelcome daydream of him pleasuring some other woman.

He means a lot to me.

That's scary.

A part of me wanted to message him right then and there and tell him to stop messaging me as of today, because it is going to break my heart when, suddenly, his daily messages dry up because he is otherwise engaged with whoever she turns out to be.

sad face.

Also... I think I see a trend

meH :| !

everything is bullshit. fucking stories stuck in my something that doesn't exist. bull shit.

Charmed

He was playing one of his disco songs and signing, in only that way that he can, the lyrics to me. Poorly mouthing them because he doesn't really know all the words, but he doesn't care. He gets to the one line that was his intention to point out to me, "a love so deep..."

I can't remember the song, but that doesn't matter. I was surprised that that was the line he wanted to emphasize in his poor lip syncing.

I still can't explain to myself why it is I feel so connected to him. When those moments happen, when he sings disco songs at me, I wonder at it, because if it was anyone else I would be, "okay, buddy... " but he just makes me smile. Somehow, I know him differently and his corny ways delight me.

And that he also feels that we have a love so deep... touches me.

I'm here, we're in the same city, we spend a lot of time together, and I only love him more. So, I guess that answers that question.

He's going away for 5 weeks. He's going to Greece. I'll probably be back here a lot during that time lamenting on all the ways my life feels naked and how my body is missing its magnet - that thing I have been inexplicably drawn to for the past 3 years.

Heroes

There is a lot going on in the world and it's making me feel really sick. There's fear that I'm not doing something I should be doing. Fear that this rampant sharing against hate is only providing a sense of self righteousness to those that speak out on social media, which is just the opposite side of the same coin. That gives me a good serving of anxiety - more than the haters promoting hate. Because, we're the only ones that can stop it, and maybe, just maybe, we're doing it wrong.

Public shaming overall is so dirty and wrong. I don't want to be part of that.  I feel like all I can effectively do right now is exude respect with every fibre of my being to every person that I meet - including the haters (perhaps most importantly them).

And by respect for haters - I don't mean acceptance of their ideas. But a healthy dose of respect that they are humans and somebody somewhere down the line fucked them up big.

I wonder what it would look like if every person who was so vehemently against hate did that. If they just became pristinely quiet in their heads and hearts and just went about their day with the utmost respect for all things, doing the next right thing that was within their reach.

That doesn't mean that hate crimes would suddenly become legal and that we wouldn't quietly and purposefully remove dangerous people that were acting out from the general population. We would just do it as a matter of fact and need.

What if we recognized that we, as a whole, failed great masses of people and created, facilitated, contributed to,  this mental unwellness. What if we had compassion for those people. What if we, at the very least, just asked this question?

If we truly are so justified. If we truly are the higher minds... is that not what we would do?

Or do we just scream our own ideals back?

I was sadistically sexually abused as a very young child over a five year period. I don't want that to ever happen to another living anything, and I've come to a conclusion that the closest I can come to being part of the change is to recognize predators as seriously flawed humans and have compassion for their illness (as someone affected by this, I can support those that seek to truly help understand and heal this affliction. I can believe that somewhere in those that do these acts, there is shame and pain for having done so. I can believe in them - it is truly all I have).

That was a very hard and humbling conclusion to arrive at but having done so... I can see with absolute clarity that the same is true here.

I don't want to invest in condemning. I want to invest in making it stop.

I do need to point out that I am aware that we need to know what is happening, therefore it is necessary to share what is happening. I want to ask though, where is that line between sharing to bring awareness and sharing in hate and self-righteousness?

Only I can know what I can contribute and it is my responsibility to myself to act on what I know I can do - quietly. There can be no heroes (if we are all heroes).

Some Kind of Magic

I feel a bunch of stuff this morning. Good stuff. Weird stuff. In the middle stuff. Is this really my life stuff. I'm not really sure why. It's my first quiet morning on my own in some time, that could be why. It's all surfacing to the top: is this what I want? Am I not missing something?

I'm missing some me things - writing and sculpting - there is just no time. I have to make time. I have five extra pounds of poop in me because I can't even find the alone time to poop. Shit is moving fast (not literally, obviously. Well, today, actually it is. My poop is, like: We're free! Open the gates!). I know, I apologize, I'm slightly obsessed with my bowel movement schedule. "Sorry."

The Greek. Sigh, where do I begin? It started in late 2014 and we are mid 2017. I am fully immersed in a relationship I could not stop. In the beginning, it was a freight train barreling towards and through me. Almost three years later, here I am. In love.

I guess I want to describe it, poke at it, look underneath it just a little bit and just today.

The sex - fucking amazing. It's like we're two unencumbered souls that are curious and intrigued about each others bodies and are freely exploring delighting one another. Unlike previous relationships I've been in, there is no... pretense? that we play along with. It is more genuine and fun and open and... unprescribed. As if we've had no teachings of how we are supposed to be in this situation, two young souls untouched by societies boundaries. I imagine that this is what sex is like for most people? People that haven't been hurt or fucked up by someone else.

I imagine that this is normal for him - but, then again, it doesn't appear that he has experienced this level of sexual exploration (lite - don't get excited) and fun as well.

I feel very free and healthy with him. I guess all my other partners weren't really keen on exploring and didn't quite have the same appetite as me. The Greek most certainly does.

I catch myself imagining a home with him, and sometimes it actually feels realistic if not unavoidable. Sometimes though, when I am catching myself, I wonder about the niggling feeling that right now I am exploring a part of me when I'm with him. I don't really feel like I am being my whole self - maybe. This is what I don't know - it's the good, weird stuff that I'm not sure of.

Some of this feels like a new me. I find myself wondering how long I can keep up with new me though. Old me was pretty lackadaisical. Old me was tired of that though and wanted adventure.

I wanted to DO THINGS. I wanted to live. I want to live. I am living.

It's not just about sex. We go for bike rides. Aimless bike rides just for fun. We roller skate (he's learning). We hang out and just touch each other. Tomorrow, we're taking a day road trip. We might take a dance class together. He puts me to sleep by rubbing my head, legs, feet. He loves to pamper me (which I am actually enjoying, this must really be love).  I look at him from across the room and feel such lovely love.  He annoys the fuck out of me at work sometimes and then I get over it. We have little spats and then I am so grateful and relieved when we put it to rest and I have him in my arms again. Like... seriously.

Today, no matter what happens, this is a gift. And that's all there really is to know.

I would just like to write down though - that we found each other and get to share this together - it seems... like some kind of magic happened somewhere in the universe.

You Poop?

It's almost as if we've been living together for the last 19 days - very interesting.

I wondered what it would be like, or do to us, to spend so much time together and get to know each other more intimately - not sexy intimacy, but the boring and revealing intimacies like... you poop?

Although, on that note and just a bit of an aside: I'm sure he assumes I poop - but I've yet to do it while he's around. My wily, feminine ways just wont seem to let it happen naturally while I'm with him. Oh wait, perhaps a new milestone. brb.

Okay, so I do indeed poop. Thank Christ. That was getting to be an unhealthy lifestyle choice I appeared to have no control over. And if that was at all vague - he's in my bed, my bathroom is in my bedroom, and I just pooped (achievement unlocked)! But, I digress.

The last 19 days, where we've, for all intent and purpose, lived together and worked together, has been real good. The love has grown quietly and purposefully. We bike, roller skate, he cooks (I help a bit), we eat, we build lego cats, we watch GoT and Silicon Valley etc.

I have no idea why, when I look at him, my body just surrenders. We had one little fightish at work and we couldn't make up fast enough. I'm learning about him and he's learning about me - which brings me to last night.

In his normal routine, he stays up late and sleeps in. I sleep early and wake up early. He adopted my schedule for a few days, and last night it all caught up with him. I am learning his subtleties:

He was cranky and, apparently, thus sensitive to fucking everything and the way he goes about saying that is oddly passive aggressive:

• I don't like this music (acoustic chill), it's like mleh blah mleh sad blah. I wanted something... happy. Do you like this music? Did I not make the conscious choice to listen to it? 
• [After commenting that I did my nails] What kind of nail polish do you wear? It smells strong. (I can't stand how you smell right now)
• Oh, you drank wine (you taste and smell boozey. I don't like that)
• Someone outside (in the world somewhere) is smoking [closes front door quickly]
• There's a giant bee in kitchen, I don't do bees. That's cool. I don't do spiders. Let me get that for you ... (?)
• [Me taking my turn putting together our lego cat project] I just like to watch you struggle (you kinda suck, hey?)
• [Peeks at results of intimate full bikini wax] Wow, she really did destroy your vagina. What? Ugh - look, I have a lot of 'girl' and she's completely naked right now AND I'm in an awkward position. She didn't destroy me - that's me!
• [Me defending my vagina] Well, I mean, you've had kids and stuff, it's probably gotten loser (wizard sleeves)... WTF? No, it's ALWAYS been like this. My vagina is not an old lady! (?)
• [Me exercising dark humour: Yeah, I'm going to get it trimmed] [Him - irrevocably repulsed] What the fuck, why would you say that? Oh my god, that's... fuck... [trying to remove imagery] ugh, don't say that [eye squinting pain face]. I feel weird now.

Getting to know you. Getting to know all about you...

So, that was fun! Not even kidding. He is an odd bird, and although I can imagine all of these endearing things, including the way he forgive me for being cute-walks sometimes, being all the reasons I would say he was "driving me CRAZY" - I hope that never happens. I hope I always adore his awkward, angular and sharp, lack of filter.

Lucky for him, I am busy for the next three days so we wont see each other. We can have a break as we ease into this "see each other a lot" thing. We can each catch up on our individual alone time: he can sleep and I can poop.

God Damn It

It's still good. Everything is still good. More than that, it's kinda amazing.

I'm leaving my children behind in this little town I brought them to and moving back to my home town. I found a place. It's small and so lovely.... . So lovely, that I'm more excited than I am sad that I am leaving my babies back in this small town (albeit, grown babies and with their father).

I should have trusted my manifesting all along... it brought to me a perfect home.

It really is about me now. Holy fuck. For however long, it is about me now:  living, loving, laughing, and probably crying from time to time. Amazing. Fucking amazing.

I can't even begin to tell you how today, just today, my whatever it is with the Greek, is... breath takingly lovely. More lovely than I could have imagined. It's blessed. It is... charmed.

I am charmed, and I love it.

If I had known that this was a possibility at this age, this time, whell.... fuck. I don't know what I would have done.

I would have raced here.

My heart is full - of blooming flowers.

Thank you, Universe. Thhhhaaaaaaannnnnkkkkkk yyyyooooouuuuuuu.

Music

There feels like there should be a deeper meaning to the fact that it has been a month since I last wrote. But for simplicity sake, I don't think there is.

Somehow, someway, this new way of representing what we have not as a relationship but something we both encounter on a day by day basis, is humming along most beautifully.

One day at a time.

My heart smiles and my skin sings.

Just...

Wow. We had such a lovely night last night. And an even lovelier morning. I don't even think words could do it justice. It was so simple and just, just. My heart be so full.

This morning, he was working on my orgasm, trying to find the ways. He said, "talk to me, tell me what's working, tell me what to do..."

And he said, whispered in my ear as he was making love to me, "I can feel when you get close, I can feel your body change... and then it goes away. What's that about?"

It was a lovely, quiet moment of love making. I was trying to open to it, and I said, "I don't know," and tears sprung to my eyes because he saw it, he saw me, very gently.

He saw or felt my tears and just said, "I love you..."

Fuck. me. This couldn't be more amazing and lovely... and sweet.

Other worldly; I swear to god. I love him. With all my heart.

Sigh

I came into town last night to be ready for early meetings today, we met up for dinner at a healthy joint so that he could feed me healthy food because I'm sick.

When I walked in, his smile was lovely. He even winked, something that seems so trite yet always steals my heart.

After dinner we just walked aimlessly on a beautiful spring night. Holding hands. Not kissing, because, you know, I'm sick. And he's, you know, germs.

Once again, I have no idea who we are or where we're going, but today... I love him for free.

Also, I'm really sick and we have meetings from 8am right till 6pm, software testing. I might not make it.

In other news: I've found RedBull

The Stillness of Some Kind of Sweet Love

We talk almost every day now, every night. Last night, one of the first things he said was, "I wish you were here tonight, just to sleep with and hold."

My moving date, to return to my home town where he also is, may have got bumped up by two months, he said I could stay with him for a while if I needed. What???

This is a strange new setting for us. Of course, I wouldn't stay with him - that would be most odd and dangerous, perhaps? He would freak out, I'm sure. Also, lord knows I need my own home.

But. But, but, but... . How very sweet.

Then he asked, "Look, are you moving down here soon regardless of whether this deal goes through?"

I replied, "Yes, they are selling the house. Ima have to move."

"Good," he said.

This is a one day at a time kinda thing, no promises accept for the one where he kinda promised this wasn't a forever thing for him. But being with him in the right here and now makes my body warm with love. I simply can't deny that.

Sleeping with him, knowing he's there beside me, waking up in the middle of the night and, either him moving to hold me, hold my hand as we sleep, or me holding him... it's so lovely and sweet.

Waking up early and getting ready while he sleeps, leaving before him, kissing him good bye. It's lovely and sweet.

I hope we can share more moments of common life together. The stillness of some kind of sweet love.

Week in Review

It's been a really good week, or couple of weeks. The Greek and I are experiencing a nice flow. We were going to take a break from sex this week, just hang out and cuddle, which was more a game of seduction than anything else. I enjoyed it.

He said I was taking him to new levels as I fucked him and demanded that he not cum - damn, makes me crazy just thinking about it.

He said at one point, "I love you so fucking much - in so many ways..."

I have no idea who we are, but I love us and I love our sex.

I have no idea where we will go.

Live Long and Prosper

It is a truly strange feeling I have these days. There is a sadness that sits rather beautifully on my heart. An aloneness. An awareness of being alone in the world.

I suppose because I am quickly approaching a time where my kids will be on their own and I will be living a professional life (that I always strived for) in my home town - I'll be like I was 23 or so years ago (less the profession). Only, it's different because I am different.

A new chapter, a big chapter, is beginning. I can feel that I don't fit where I am anymore. I may not fit there either, I may not find a community, but I do have hope.

The Greek and I have watched movies together over the phone two nights in a row, spending the whole night together, talking afterwards. It's... interesting in a people way. A study of people, of me, of him, of this place we are experiencing.

It appears that we simply enjoy each others company and we're both alone, so... why not? I don't feel like I'm at the same place where I have delusions of what we will or could be. Although, of course, my mind can't help but see possibilities, given how we are together and the connection that we seem to have - how could we not be together?

But, I seem to have grown past that, accepted its current state and have a finer appreciation for it - because getting close to being "together" was scary as hell.

I honestly feel like I don't want to be with someone in that way, not right now. As much as my deeply romantic heart wants to tell a story of the Greek and I, my body knows that odds are against that and I will likely have to cut my losses more than bask in the glow of a sweet love.

But, he loves me. I can feel that. I don't even think he realizes how much and how deeply... sometimes I'm afraid that it is me that is going to hurt him when he changes his mind. I told him last night, "You know, when you tell me that you don't want to be with me, I have to believe you."

And I said that because sometimes I think he's testing love without realizing it. And now, he's told me to go, left me no other option, and when I go, when I meet another lover, he'll have yet another perspective to internalize.

When is said that, he replied simply, "I know, " he said.  And maybe he does know, but something in me tells me he doesn't quite. I realize this is kinda of a bullshit thing to say, but there are not many people like me, and if you fall in love with me (and I you), it has a very long shelf life. At least, that is my experience so far. And, I suppose, I kind of worry - that he's letting me go with no understanding of the loss when I finally do go. And that when I'm gone, I'm gone.

But, he's young, so he'll have much time to process it and, eventually, meet someone else and live a full life with them.

And in the end, he's probably right, we'll just look at each other and smile: it was good, it was beautiful, I'm okay, I release you.

Maybe I'm totally wrong on this one, my spidey sense thrown off, once again, by the lure of the hardcore romantic. The story teller.  Long live the story teller.

I'm sure I've written drunk at some point in my life before, but I don't recall it. So, now feels like the first.

We spent two very lovely nights together. I came. We pretty much came together - which is what he wanted, he said. We had breakfast together this morning, a morning after spending the night, loving each other through the night in that non committal way,  - in public.

What is this most beautiful thing? Nothing and everything. Just for now. Just in this moment.

Like a gust of wind.

Muse

So, ummm... we're back in yet another version of us: two people who deeply appreciate each other as friends, people, and lovers.

I feel wholly good with this. Frankly, I didn't know what I was going to do without the part time sex, contact, and intimacy.

He came over last night, and we just were. We fucked, we made love, and my body let go of the breath it didn't know it was holding.

We agreed we are temporary and that he is looking for someone permanent in his life. He encouraged me to do the same, siting that I would feel a big void when he does find someone. I told him he was right - and that it was not that my eyes were closed to meeting other people, but rather that is not my priority in the same way it is his. Which is to say, unless it happens naturally, I am simply going to have to face the void that hits me when he moves on, because where his priority is a relationship, my priority is writing (and it must be). And then I told him that I believed he was my muse. Perhaps, I have never been closer to the truth.

He said, "I can't lie, I miss you, a lot." And I missed him, too. I missed his body. I missed his hands. It's strange the things you can fall in love with - I love his hands.

I love the love that we share during sex, and I'm in awe that it can exist outside of the context of a relationship. There is something very pretty about that.

In our last version, I was becoming very nervous about being in a relationship with him... it was going to kill it in me. I feel relieved that we are not going down that road and, perhaps, I just needed to see that for myself. He seemed to already know that.

He suggested we spend another night this week together ( ;) ).

I am relieved to have him back in this way. It allows me to have the intimacy and sex my body craves so that I can let that go and focus on the projects I am working on. To a degree, whether it is him or someone else, I need someone part time in my life where I can blow off that steam and feel satiated enough to not pine for it when I should be writing.

So, there it is. We'll see how long this round lasts and hope that it transitions kindly in each of our favours. Which means, universe, when it's time... I would like something pleasant and light, grown up and hot, to take its place.

More importantly, universe, I would ask to be part of a community that meets my mind and soul and allows me to grow as a writer.

The Frequency of Love

My body is humming with electricity. Fucking humming. We've talked more and longer in the last week than we ever have. He calls me, he wants me, he needs me, but he can't make sense of it. He's questioning everything in him right now: what he wants and what he thinks he should want.

He is seeing the things I tell him in other people's words, his world is breaking open, his perception is breaking open, his understanding of himself is unfolding.

In Jim Carey's video that he sent me, Jim says "You only ever have two choices, love or fear. Choose love. And don't ever let fear turn you against your playful heart."

I don't know where things stand, where he stands. I think he's questioning his reasons for not being with me while at the same time, staying adamant that we should not be together. Whether, in the end, that is because he is aware in himself that he simply does not love me enough to traverse being with someone so much older than him or if it really is just to ensure we salvage our friendship, I don't know. And may never know.

I had an experience the other day wherein I saw how sad it would be to lose him as my friend, the most specialist of friends, because my ego was hurt that I was not enough. It was awful. When I saw that that's what it could be like, it was like a I had a second chance to keep him close to my heart. Because, in the end, it would be devastating to lose him there. Once realized, I wanted to run to him and hug and kiss him and tell him everything was okay, he was free, I was free.

I couldn't run to him, so I told him over text. I set him and me free. He was grateful and wanted to hug me so tight. And in that moment, we were in the light of everything good. We were being shined upon. Two of the lucky ones.

And in that moment, my love and appreciation for him deepened.

And in the later moments,  when I lay on the couch and imagined his body so tantricly next to mine or when we talked on the phone and his voice, so deep and soft and pulling, was in my ear, I wanted him with all of me. Every cell in my body was reaching out to him, desire so thick I could chew it.

I am afraid that in his youth, he is enjoying playing with the fire, he is addicted to the passion in between, which is why we break every time that starts to wane.

I'm going for a reading today, and I am prepared to hear, "You're going to get hurt because he's not in a good place, he is simply addicted to the intensity of the moment."

I gave him this Rumi poem the other day:

Who makes these changes? 
I shoot an arrow right. It lands left. 
I ride after a deer and find myself 
Chased by a hog. 
I plot to get what I want 
And end up in prison. 
I dig pits to trap others 
And fall in 

 I should be suspicious 
 Of what I want.

I should note, the same goes for me. I adore this flame. I adore him for waking it up in me.

I can't see anyone else touching me the way he does.

I can imagine being with someone else, I can imagine falling in love with someone else, but I can't see that they will ever make me feel quite like this. This is like touching the middle of the soul.

I feel more in love with him today than I have ever felt. 

A deep love that's willing to let go if that's the way it has to be. 

Seriously.

I can't help but think this is not over (in some fairy tale in my mind, perhaps). In some place in him, he is in love with me and I him.

We went for tea yesterday and talked for over an hour about everything. At some points when I was talking, his hands were on the table, nearly pulling at it with the desire to touch or hold me.

For now though, he has completely quit me, like he has sugar in his diet. He is resolute and there will be no moving him.

Perhaps it's over forever. Perhaps it will evolve into a mature friendship. Perhaps it's wishful thinking on my part, to help ease the pain, to imagine a place where we come back together. Because, it's rare to find what we have in each other - at its simplest form, it's a deep appreciation of each other's spirits.

He talked about how he was really taking a look at the expected path of humans: find love, get married, have children, raise children.... and then what? He doesn't see that as a path he wants.

It does feel like he has to understand his decisions more, has to walk through a few more doors before he could really decide to be with me (or someone like me).

For my part, I think I needed to see that I really am willing to accept all of him, all his quirks, because I was unsure for a while there if I could.

So, yeah, I don't know. It still feels bigger than us, like there's a destiny of sorts still at play.

So, I will trust in love and abundance for now and let the wind blow where ever it blows. It's time for me to get to work on my projects and take myself seriously for a little while.

Maybe he will be just like the Misery period where when enough time passed, it all seemed like a silliness on my part and I had no desire to fall back into it.

Maybe it wont. Maybe the fact that we happened in real life makes it different.

This New Thing, Part II

We had a quick chat, it started with him asking how I was, "I'm all right" I said with a highly suggestive tone that I was not quite. So, he opened up the door. I said, "I just have a lot of questions, both from an emotional stand point and human curiosity."

I told him how I had been thinking about my position in all of this, how I was comparing it to me leaving my husband and how, potentially, my husband felt: confused, sad, hopeful that I would come back. And how, in comparison to my husband, I felt nothing but slight empathy for him - but there was no attraction or desire to be with him ever again.

Between the Greek and I, was I my husband in this scenario and the Greek was me? Was he that gone? That detached? That careless?

And in that same vein, was he that over it? And if so, how much of it was fear based and how much was it genuinely meh, I'm over it. Next thrill please!

And, in keeping with that, was it more so that excitement that he liked about us? Was he just after the roller coaster ride?

In the human interest side, how did he just turn it off? He has this way of cutting things off so... can't find the word... . So, absolutely. It's a little stunning. I can only think that in order for someone to be able to do that, as me with my husband, the love/attraction was just not there.

So, I got to say all these things, which is a majority of the need for me. He answered them - rather the same as he always has. Yes, some of it is fear based and, a probably equal portion, he also just wasn't as attracted enough anymore.

I felt better having said all my things, it was a load off my chest.

He let me know that he is potentially planning a trip in the fall, a 4-6 week trip to Greece. A part of my heart sunk. In some place in my heart, I had imagined us  travelling (sounds laughable now) somewhere like that. After I got over myself and given that I felt lighter having said all I wanted to - I was very happy at the idea of him doing that. Happy for him.

After saying all the words, I was able to see all his youth, his confusion. He's got a lot to sort out. He should go. I should not be in his way. I am a distraction.

I felt happier with the idea of not being his distraction and he mine. I felt lighter, more ready to gracefully let go of him.

At work, he still likes to be with me most of the time. Close to me.

At the end of the conversation, I said that it all happened so abruptly and weirdly. I told him that I am an intuitive person, and to me, this didn't feel done. And it doesn't, it's just that I see more clearly today that I have no idea what direction it will take to be done.

There is still something there that hasn't been crossed, the thing that we were supposed to give or be with each other. Maybe it will show itself in the greater space of not being with each other.

Maybe.. as with the misery portion of my life, enough time will pass that this strong connection I feel with another human will show itself as nothing more than that - a strong connection that I once felt. There was no deeper meaning. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Maybe, in the end, I'm just stuck on the hopeless romantic side of this stick.

It felt like love though. Even with the Misery dude, it felt like love, to me. And, I think it was love - as the Greek has said, a certain type of love. As in, a passing appreciation of another...

Perhaps it's just new territory to me. Forever new.

This New Thing

I don't love this new thing we've got "going on," where we're pals...

I don't know where I truly stand, but it feels like nowhere.

Why would I care? If someone is clearly side-railing me, why would I care? Other than the obvious ego stuff, that is.

I really don't get this. A part of me just wants to message him and say, ya know what? You're gonna hear my thoughts on this.... blah blah blah, but then, really? If he's really not there, what's the point? Just to confirm that he's really not there?

Fuck. me.

And, I know... we've been here before. So, fuck.me again.

Potentially My Obsessions and the Truly Wise

I don't fall in love often. I don't often meet someone who keeps my attention for long. Generally speaking, I see a generic flaw and realize - not compatible.

The last two men I have fallen for share a similarity - I think.

They are sweet, romantic even (at times), but they have both been  - available up and until the luscious chaos of passion dissipates.

Also, they have had big hurdles: one lived on the opposite side of the continent and the other lives on the opposite side of age and experience.

I have been completely enamoured by their affection and attraction to me, they have seemed to see and rejoice in flicker of my spirit, and I have loved them for that.

I'm embarrassed by the last night I spent with the Greek - that night where I angry fucked him because orgasms are beyond me -  I left my mind and just went for it. Could that have been the end for him? Did he see something in me that he didn't like?

I let myself be me and he didn't like it. I let myself be open to the experience, and it was embarrassing. I showed my heart afterwords, had that little cry of holy fuck, I did it and that was too much for him.

I think that.

If that's the case, then I know, que, sera, sera. I shouldn't feel embarrassed at all, but I also don't want to be patronized - especially by him, "Maybe it did turn me off, but that's me, not you. You should experience that... just maybe with someone who really loves you."

I don't want to hear that.

What about the fact that I felt the end? Why am I not talking about that? That last night, I was feeling very meh - all the sex we "have to have" ugh, it's exhausting - yet I answered the door in lingerie. I wanted it to be the same.

I feel some shame for that. Not really sure what that's about.

I want to ask the universe what I can expect now, but there are so many words of my own scrambling around, I don't trust that I will be able to know the difference between me and it, but here it goes:

It was tough to formulate one question, but for all the messiness and words shouting about, the only thing I could make out was the repeated, Trust and love, and abundance - which actually sounded like, Trust in love and abundance.

So I will, accepting whole heartedly that I don't know where it will take me and that it may, in the end, have nothing to do with him ♡.

Better Left Unsaid

Because they could all very well land on deaf ears.

All of these words, still stuck inside of me. For the love of g.o.d.

Because I don't know what is me and what is him, and hindsight is miles ahead of me, still.

And because my thoughts and feelings are precious, lovely things that warrant respect from me.

All of these things should remain unsaid, left in a state of grace.

I should take them off the subway, one by one, and hang them from the branches of trees, where they can get aired out in soft wind while the blossoms begin to emerge.

That, if anywhere, is where my words belong - in the church of trees.

Clueless

So, the only words I've said to him since were, was, a text that I sent that said "Sigh, 😔"

That's it. And it was a "Wow, that was weird, that was sudden. I feel... things."

Now, you're right - that text doesn't explicitly imply those words and could be read a few different ways - and now I'm left wondering how he read it, because he certainly didn't, in his common totally cut off reaction to us once he's made up his mind, respond.

Thankfully, this morning, my thoughts around this are Meh, whatever. Okay. Because, I see that I really don't know what he wants from me. And, that's okay.

Because, clearly, it has to be.

I love you, but I don't love you
I want you to stay but I want you to go
Be yourself, but also, just be my version of you
Tell me your feelings, but don't have feelings that are unattractive
Talk to me, but don't talk to me
Fight for me, but don't be needy or jealous

These are the things I think he thinks, and in a rather volatile fashion.

I don't have enough hindsight to see what my shit in this really is. Too available, too passive, too wanting?

He's too young to have a mature ongoing connection.

No Words

There are so many of them, jammed into mouth like sardines on an over-crowded subway, they're pushing into one another, all confused, is the subway stopping anywhere, where do they get off?  "Do you know where we're going" one says to an other. "I don't know," it says.

Usually, the subway cruises along, and when it's a stop for a string of words, they simply  get off and go about their work.

They're worried, all of them, they've never quite experienced this. They're all there, all the words that want and need to be said, but the door wont open. The door is stuck.

On the other side of the door, there are no words.

Sore

My heart, my skin, my body is sore.

When he came over the other night to say good-bye and discuss the end, it was the same as last time. He cried a lot, talked about the reasons why he loves me, said that he's never met anyone he could have such honest and real discussions about life with. Said that he loved the parts of my life I shared with him... . Said he was probably an idiot for letting this go.

Me? I don't know. I don't know if I trust how real all that is for him.

We had reached a stage in a relationship where the next level was normal everyday life, it had to evolve once again.

And I don't know how I feel about that or if I just overwhelming sense that he is incapable of that while I am far too capable given my extra life experience and maturity.

and I am sore, because I felt things for him - things that I'm not sure now were misplaced or misguided, perhaps.

I am sad that I was wrong in thinking we could do this.

I'm sad.

How Much Can She Take?

I think that's the name of the game he is either wittingly or unwittingly playing. Sometimes I wonder if he isn't doing some of these things to test me, to see if I really do love him or if I will leave. His behaviour at work, the way he talks to me sometimes, is getting a bit out of hand. Our other co-worker came and checked on us to see if we were actually okay, laughingly, because he was talking so loud - and he just pushes everything I say to max test, pushing me and pushing me, testing my theories ad nauseam.

How much can she take before she stands up to me? Will she stand up to me? In the past, he has said it has been very attracted to me when I do stand up to him.

I think he needs the drama. I think that's the game he's playing with himself.

The fire game.

And this is where I stop pulling back the rope. It feels irresponsible to myself to keep him from taking all that he wants or needs. If he wants to hang himself so badly, for whatever reason, I can't stop him.

It's as if I'm seeing a different side to him. It's as if I asked the universe to show me what I need to see... which, of course, I did.

I feel as though I'm going to need to muster grace and follow the one star, my truth... which, of course, I will.

Ugh

So, we called it quits again. Ugh. Whatever. The d r a m a.

I'm not really understanding how I feel. Somewhere in there, there is relief. Now, I don't have to worry about not being able to poop the days I spend with him in Victoria. Big bonus.

I don't have to worry about shaving my legs and bikini area, itching and scratching at ingrown hairs for the week after.

I can fully be myself at work without trying to beguile him. I can dress up and not wonder if I'm doing it for him, because I DON'T CARE anymore.

None of that means, however, that I don't still have all those feelings for him, that I don't love him in a certain way. But, it seems clear that, perhaps, both of us do not see this as a love that can bridge the gap from exciting passion to normal ever day hey, we're together day to day love.

I will miss the sex though. I will really miss that. I will miss the time we spent together. I will miss not learning if we could have just been normal together, that sweet spot normal.

But, whatever, I'm relieved to be free of the drama of work, love, and orgasms, and the stress of realizing my age difference over and over again.

Also, I did a sculpture months ago, a female nude that represented me satiated after us making love. I wanted him to want it. I wanted him to see the specialness of it, but he didn't.

I had showed another co-worker who loved it and wanted to buy it. I had told the Greek about the sculpture and its origin and when our co-worker wanted it, I asked him if he felt it was weird that I might sell a moment of him and I to a different male co-worker. He said, no, that he had no feelings about that (interesting).

In the end, when I fired it, one of the legs lifted and the foot looked like shit and I've hummed and hawed about selling it to my other co-worker in its state. This co-worker said that he would still like to see it and have the choice - so I am exactly a week from brining it to him and practically giving it away when last night, during our good-bye (eye roll italics) session, the Greek said he would like to have the sculpture.

Just under the wire.

It's his. Either he or I am meant to have it.

I wonder if him and I can do fun things together now that we're just friends.

Probably not - because he'll just feel the in love part and he's very good at being strict about cutting what he thinks is not good for him completely out of his diet.

Whatever.

Love and Exhaustion

I'm too confused to know what I want to write. Last minute, at the end of the day, we go into the boardroom to talk work - but I know it's not that. He has this way of being so obvious in a passive aggressive way. He talks work a bit and then asks the state of my cycle, which for valentines day, was out of service. He says, "why don't we take a break this week."

Stating his brother is town and things are complicated for him, maybe this is a good time to just not get together this week -

Because, really, it's just about sex.

But also, we said we love each other?

Now, I was also okay with not being with him this week. Last week was exhausting, sex was exhausting, having that epic orgasm because I left my mind and body and fucked him was exhausting. I was totally okay with not preparing for him, being perfect for him... but when he said that, after finding out I can't have sex, we'll just skip this week, I was pissed off. Very pissed off.

I really don't understand why. I felt jilted because I had my period, because I couldn't have sex, I think. AND it was Valentines day and he didn't even say one nice thing or send me one of his sweet messages -

So, it seemed pretty clear to me that he was waning. His affection was waning. And that pissed me off.

What is love if your attraction so easily wanes? But this includes mine. So, he's not alone, he just beat me to it and probably always will. So, my ego was hurt, punched.

He called an hour or so later, not happy with the my reaction and how that felt. He cited that he just has a lot going on with his brother here, which... I kinda call bullshit. If he still felt as attracted to us, that wouldn't have been an issue, that's my intuitive knowing. However, he still called and that is something.

I told him, "Look, if this dying out for you a bit, then tell me that, don't make excuses." To which he said he wasn't - but I don't think he was prepared to be honest about that one the phone.

I don't know where I stand. Last week, I was feeling like, Meh, I don't know if this is what I want... but I also wasn't prepared to call it off and walk in the office, see him and know I couldn't have him.

So. What the fuck is this. That's the million dollar question.

I'm also very scared that he's going to wake up and see how old I am and be grossed out by me. Nobody wants to be seen like that. A part of me wants to call it off based on that.

I don't feel old when I'm not with him. When we're together, my age sits right behind me, whispering in my ear, I'm going to catch up with you... hehehehehe. 

It's stressful and exhausting.

Don't know what I want or what is. What is love.

Universe, show me the sweetness and the strength of the day. Also, show me him. For better or for worse.

Also, seriously dude? Absolute silence on Valentines day? What were you thinking? That will always bite you in the ass.

We were absolutely in love for the last few months and now, as things do, they are getting normal, the gloss of in love wearing thin, what happens now? Can we navigate that?

Maybe I'm lucky to get out now? 😳 (Two million dollar question)

My Awakening, Clearly

This blog has become about my sexual relationship with myself. Wait. It always has been that, only I wasn't having sex before. With sex being a important part of a loving relationship, this has become an evolved blog on my awakening as it pertains to sex and love. That's all this really ever has been.

Part I
I am so frustrated with myself and him today. Sure, I have PMS and that is exacerbating the issue, but still - therein usually lies some truth that is being amplified.

In my dream this morning, he was at my house and my kids (grown daughters) where here, my eldest, closer in age with him, friends with him, and he once attracted to her as a younger version of me, were here. He was play fighting with her, pillow fighting like he tried with me - because he wants me to submit him - and then she was in position that he fancies and he was engaging with her. In the dream they were just being friends at that point so I couldn't "call him on it." Then, they laid on the floor and he spooned her and that's when I said "Fuck you." In full, I said,

Me: What the fuck are you doing?

Him: What?

and then I came around the corner with my purse in hand and fucking threw at him, hitting his back, and said "Fuck you. Get out. Now."

To which, and this is the weird and interesting part, he ripped off a small pin of (I think it was this?) Alice in Wonderland and said, "Fine, I'm not enjoying this (or something like that) anyways," and threw the pin at me.

What. the. fuck?

Why Alice in Wonderland? What does my brain think about the meaning of Alice in Wonderland where it would use that as meaning or a clue? Because this whole thing is just some fragmented mish-mash of want and reality wrapped up in a dream that is actually a reality that exists on a different plane?

For the love of G.O.D., man.

Part II
The other aspect of this is he loves it when I boss him around and/or get passionately angry (or strong) around a point. He once said to me, when we were discussing something about jealousy and my abundance of it when called upon, "Sometimes you have to fight for your man."

I wonder if he semi sub-consciously tries to make me angry so he can see the fire in me. He's attracted to the fire. But how far will he go (in his youthful wisdom) to see that?

I think he's been trying to evoke me to unleash on him, demand of him, with only a hint of awareness of what he's doing. Remember, he's Greek.

Also, he mentioned that this is kinda how he see's me (and I'm not saying he's wrong):

Norse Angel: Valkyrie

The downside of this is that I am actually more Vulcan than spit and fire, because I have learned that this protects me. I think he would like to see me un-vulconized and live more in the passionate moment.

Question: Is this relationship breaking me open to explore life from more of an alive stand point? Is the universe a part of this, is this part of the gift?

Part III
Was I turned off by aspects of him this week? Did I see the the parts of dating a younger, goofball guy that was/is not enough of an adult man for me? OR. Big OR... am I so afraid that now that we've said the love stuff he will see me as I am (old, logical, boring), so I am sabotaging it because, (and this is where the clearly comes in), I'm going to get hurt. I think that this is equal parts of each.

I think that he is already feeling a little bored and is wondering if what he initially enjoyed with me, the playfulness, still exists.

I think (know) that I am now at the place he was before he surrendered to this, this isn't going to go anywhere, I'm just going to get hurt, fuck it, I'm out.

but then again - I DON'T REALLY KNOW. ANYTHING.

Universe, Goddesses, please show me what I need to see to move with, through, beyond this. I surrender to you.

Please show me the light within the day - so that I might be ready and open to what I need to see.

Right now, this is about me.

HaHa (also, FUCK YOU)

I think we're done. Or, I am

I don't know what happened exactly or if it will continue. Maybe I saw something I didn't like?

I didn't have a horrible time at all, I was just in love in a much different way - back to like kinda love. Maybe?

Fuck. I don't know.

Also, I felt that he was kind of over it too and I'm not entirely clear if my feelings were a preemptive cover up to what I imagine he might be feeling. He was pulled away from our work project.

I don't fucking know. I hate not knowing. I don't care either, only I do.

This is fucked up. Whatever.

He always works so hard for me to have an orgasm and the pressure just kills it. He wanted me to ride him the way I did a couple of weeks ago where I had an amazing surprise orgasm. He wanted me to do that again so I could have another orgasm. It wasn't happening, and for some reason I did something I've NEVER done before - I gave him and the position hell. I angry fucked him like an animal.

You want me to fuck you? Fine. Fuck you, I will. 

I had an amazing orgasm, totally left my body and just went for it, not expecting anything until wham.

Then, I cried - 'cause, you know, I left my body and had a great orgasm.

FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK. I don't know what this is.

I think I'm mad at him. Because that makes total sense.

Also, it's a full "snow moon" with eclipse. #MoonRuled

and now...

for something completely different.

I'm staying at my umpteenth airbnb and it's the sweetest apartment in a heritage house. It has it's own little sweetheart balcony, full kitchen nice living room, layout where you could actually get privacy from someone else just by being in another room (rare in the days of open concept). All this, and it's probably my least favourite.

Airbnb owners - I've been spoiled and now you have a lot to live up to.

First off, for a place that was listed under "whole house," I don't have a private entrance and had to walk through the owners home to get in and out. Weird.

See, I do the whole house deal cause I'm not the ABnB type that likes to hang with my host (or even see them). I'm private. So, while it's fine.... and the people are so nice and make it comfortable, it's not my deal.

Next, the fridge was (gasp) empty. This is where I've really been spoiled now. My last few places have had basic things: coffee, cream (at the least), EGGS, english muffins, spices, BEER! (someone left 3 beers for their guests!).

Which is to say, it's 5:48 AM, I have no coffee (but black tea - not even half points for that shortsightedness), and it's cold (original drafty windows). I'm gonna be at work from probably 6:30 AM to 4PM cause I just want to hurry up and get the hell out of here. Gonna be a long day.

Arrogance is My Master (Maybe?)

Going into work today. We work very closely together and are perhaps at a bit of rough patch on a project. This is, I guess, where this can get difficult - or he can.

I've got a wee bit of PMS and am seriously sensitive, so yesterday when he announced he would back off the project that I appear to be leading, it made me sad.

I don't know how much of it is ego on his part, I believe some of it is. But there is also a bit of me not listening because I think/feel I know the quickest line between the two points. Nonetheless, I talked to him frankly about it yesterday (over the phone, gotta love working remotely), with a lump of PMS in my throat, stating my case as to why he shouldn't withdraw his contribution to the think tank just because I seem to be overriding his ideas for mine (hmm), he interjected and said, "I just want to hug you right now" which was not something I expected and was happy, relieved to hear.

The conversation had a tenderness to it - a don't go, if you will, from me. A I need you. A realization that we can't do this without you.

In the beginning of the conversation, I asked him if there was ego involved on his part and if he was doing to this to teach me a lesson "you want to lead this project, just see how you do without me..." He said no, and I believe that answer, but I still think that some of this is egocentric. On some level, I think he feels frustrated and hurt that his ideas aren't working (and or we're not listening). But he's right that we are piggy backing on his ideas, using his brain to jump start stuff, and then (nicely) shitting all over them. That's not cool either.

I walked away from the conversation feeling love, awareness,  and concern. We need him. I need him.

But we all need balance, too. This is a tough project we're working on, it's going to take all of us humbly working together - mostly, me and him.

That's my manifestation for the next while: healthy productivity, listening, and balance.

PS: I don't understand why I love him like this.

Whatever it is seems to touch something in me very deeply.

Too Much?

Okay. So, I've got to settle down.

It's been over a year that I have been rather intensely focused on this energy force that has been placed in front of me. Desire, want, love, satisfaction, soul food.

October 2015 marked the beginning of this - how are we already at February 2017? Jesus. It has been since the summer of 2015 that he has been actively on my mind, everything about him drawing me to him over and over again no matter how much I attempted to minimize it and make it nothing.

And now, when we're together, and he's cooking in my kitchen or his, or he's at the white board working - my mind can say, yeah, I'm fine, I could take or leave this while at the same time my heart and soul shines like the sun, my brain lights up as if it's been hooked up to a fresh copper wire and all the lights turn on, and my body - my heart, my soul -  says, my god, I love you.

It is as if I have not been given a choice. How many times have I said this?

Again, there are so many of the markers where if anyone else did or said some of the things he says and does, the attraction would be muted. I would accept that they are not of the same mind as me and simply walk away. BUT THERE IS SOMETHING IN HIM THAT MATCHES SOMETHING IN ME that makes it impossible to walk away. It is his spirit. It is my spirit. It is undeniable that those two spirits are, on some otherworldly level, joined.

He lacks the life experience and depth of applied understanding based on those life experiences - although he certainly has his share of experience and applied wisdom, it doesn't (couldn't) spread the breadth that mine does. This will likely be something he will always lack in comparison to me. There are things that happen when you:

Have children
raise children
Are married for twenty years
Work hard in that marriage
Walk through addiction + love = carnage
Come from poverty and abuse
Marry someone with the humble breadth and experience of a murder charge
Become friends with murderers 
Do the honest work, starting at the age of ten, of choosing to climb out and away from poverty and the weight of abuse
Succeed in the above

None of this is to say that I don't have anything to learn from him. While my experience traverses plains he'll never see, he has the gift of having a (his) life time of being able to focus on how to succeed in other ways (when you don't have to rebuild your entire foundation). I can most definitely learn from that.

All that to say, I guess, that - if in the event my spirit and his are as joined as they feel - we will have to respect and work within our differences.

He challenges me. I haven't figured out yet if those challenges are, in fact, legit. Nobody has ever challenged me before, because when it comes to the soul, I am very well versed. But he seems to be bringing in a different aspect of the soul - the business of the soul. I am intuition where he is analytics. He wants to push my intuition, or at the very least challenge the validity of it. I haven't decided if and where that has legs.

But I have a feeling it might have legs nonetheless. I mean, we can both learn from each other... aint that the way it should be?

That sounds well and good, but I suppose that, today, I have doubt that we will. As playful and alive as these two spirits are, I think they are equally as stubborn. I suppose I fear that a bit.

All of this to say, I'm spending too much time feeling the intensity of all of this.

I love him. I do. It seems insane to me, but it is... what is.

Trust is Hard

Yesterday was odd for me. I have that thing that pops up for me that leaves me unable to have sex - it makes me feel unworthy. And then my age creeped up, because I just had a soft lift procedure - because I have to? I don't have to, obviously and I would have regardless of my relationship status to someone much younger than me. I would have enjoyed it more not being in this relationship. Having done it now somehow made me feel like I did it for that -when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I didn't.

It just made me think... how long will I be chasing this more than if I wasn't with him? Clearly, he doesn't really care, he fell for me as is. But I will want to be my best best self.

Anyways, the combination of those two things, chasing youth and being inflicted by something that makes me unavailable sexually left me feeling emotionally exhausted. If I could have just had sex normally this evening, I don't think I would have felt so bleh.

Like I'm chasing someone I wont be able to keep up with or live up to. That he wont or doesn't love me enough. Or be like being with someone who was at the same life experience, wisdom, and understanding of life as me. I suppose I still feel this way today.

Ever since he has surrendered to us, the roles have reversed. More and more, I am feeling the way he was in the beginning: we shouldn't do this because I'm going to get hurt. I am becoming more vulnerable.

Could I stop though? I can't imagine what that would look like. I only get so far as walking into the office and seeing him and feeling the I can't have him feeling. I don't want that.

Something sweet, that is the surrender. Love, pure and simple. Passion, pure and urgent.

We're here, For better or for worse... we're here. I will have to return to trust and acceptance.

All else is insanity. 

The Gift

It's been seven months, well eight as of February, that we have been together. The last three of those have been on a committed level. Committed seems like a big word, but I don't know how better to say that since November we've both admitted and surrendered to us.

Last week, he said, "You are my woman" and then something about, "I guess I need to..." what? What did he say exactly? It was something about solidifying that or stating that... I wish I could remember.

Between that and him once asking me if I would every consider getting remarried... I really wonder what that means to him.

I have imagined him asking me to marry him. I've imagined him simply putting a box with a ring in it on the table at a work lunch and asking me to marry him. And to my surprise, the answer is a whole hearted yes.

Yes, yes, and yes.

I do not understand any of this, and I think that's right. We've done every step of this one day at a time, one second at a time, and we've made it this far.  I think we can trust that.

Now, I'm not saying that he's going to come out in the next little while and ask me to marry him - I mean what would that mean for living arrangements and all that.

What would that mean to our individual independence that we both enjoy? But it does make me wonder what stating that I am his (and he is mine) would look like to him. It makes me excited and happy.

I love him. For reasons that seem completely out of my mind and directly originating from my soul, I love him. It's like there was never a choice.

I can't help but look back at my relationship with my partner of twenty years and think, "Was it the same with him? Was it not the same?"

I remember feeling giddy with him and in love, but there was a struggle around it, a bit of a push to make it continue and grow. There wasn't the same nakedness that I feel now, the same coming undone to each other: exposing vulnerabilities, exploring, enjoying... it was not the same.  It was not as simple and real as this feels.

It's beautiful and I am humbled by it. I want to respect it and let it in.

It is a gift, of that I am sure.

My past relationship suddenly seems surreal. If it didn't have this, what did it have? What drew me, what kept me? I guess the fact that I didn't know that this could exist coupled with the fact that I wouldn't have let someone like The Greek into my life back then. I don't understand, now, why I wouldn't have. What was I repelled by? Someone who wanted to be nice to me? To please me?

Maybe I wasn't ready to be pleased. Maybe now I am. I am definitely way more open to being a more complete version of myself.

It feels surreal to really say good-bye to those twenty years and everything I thought they would encompass. In all the times we've split up or taken breaks, neither of us have completely let go - and now it's time to. Now, it's really time.

I feel like I let him down, let us and the dream of us, down. And I feel bad that I don't feel more bad about it. All I can do is hope that he sees or finds the gift in this for him - for I'm sure that 1) it exists and 2) I am not it.

Exploring the Playing Field

Places inside of me. They are soft. Perhaps tender is the right word. They are scared. Perhaps trepidatious is the right word.

Love. What is it? Will it last? Does it simply continue to continue based on its core existence, will it withstand the bumps?

Attraction. Where did it come from? From love?

I get afraid that now that we've given into it, he will lose it. I wonder if he thinks the same things?

I worry that if I give him all of me the thrill of not quite knowing will eradicate the attraction.

Bottom line, I worry. Worry that it will end (if he sees all of me?).

I know it will end someday, I'm not worried about that. I worry that it will end before it ever really started - like it has a million times since the day it started.

I worry that if I'm not on my A game, he will see this as a flaw. That if he is in love, he is in love with the A game version. I don't know, that seems silly, but then again, not.

Bottom line, I'm vulnerable - my body is saying... this can't be good. It's not my usual controlled vulnerability where I direct what happens next.

So, in those moments, I have to be prepared to lose everything - and my heart says, wait, no. Not just yet... I like the sweetness. 

Don't let him see the fear just yet, it might repel him. Just shut down, disappear a little bit, hide until its safe.

Like it happened about a year ago now, this weekend I saw him and my entire body just said, "I love him" and I don't know why. I don't know what it is other than just the core of him. And perhaps I just don't understand that.

Admitting that I love him makes me vulnerable.

I know he has had this same fear, he has said things like, and I paraphrase:

Something about being too much, too affectionate, too... to and how this has lost him girls, maybe... His brother has taught him to hold back, play it cool, because he can pour it on thick. So, I know he's felt the same thing.

And just before he said the "I love you" he said what he liked about me was that he didn't have to hide who he was, the affectionate side, he could be himself and I wouldn't take off.

And until now, I've been playing it cool and distant because I, too, know those rules. So, now, do I take that armour off? Will he still be attracted to me if I show weakness?

....

So, hours later. I ended up messaging him to say, "Sorry if I was off, not on my a-game today" and he called and we talked, and I was like, "I have nothing..." and he laughed.

I told him I was slightly emotional because it was my time and he just... understood and we just were and... I loved him for it.

Ugh. What is going to happen?

A Boring Update Kind Of Post

Feel free to skip this in its entirety.

A lot has seemed to transpire in the last few days. Most of it does not beg to be written, in fact, there is only one thing that really ever begs to be written,  however I feel it important-ish to make note of the following:

1) I told my former partner (of twenty years) that I have physically moved on. Due to the fact that we are such great partners/pals as a separated couple and the fact that I know he feels he will love me eternally, it was important to let him know the one deal breaker for him: I have had/am having sex with another man.

He's fucked up about it. SOMEHOW, after everything, 2 separations, numerous discussions, couples counselling, subtle and not-subtle (I find myself wishing I would come home and you would tell me your gay...) statements - he thought that it was likely just a matter of time until I would come back to him.

He figured I would go and explore the world on my own and find out that home with him, on the couch as he played computer games, was the one (and only) place that I truly wanted to be.

This is day 2 with no cigarette, and I find the above notion, well, insulting.

It's almost as if he never truly listened to a word I said and in the end I stopped really trying and just gave him the rope with which he, metaphorically speaking,  hung himself.

I feel pain that he feels pain, but I don't feel sorry for him. I feel more like, "Dude, really? Now you get it? It took me having sex with someone else for you to get the pain and emptiness I felt?" with a meh-shrug to go along with it.

2) Through very regrettable circumstances, I've come into just enough money to treat myself to a little age removal. I am beside myself with excitement and I hope it takes just the right amout of edge off that I look 35. Yesterday as I was getting my eyelashes tinted, the girl asked me, "do you have grandkids?" Clearly, this opportunity can't come quick enough.

The Greek doesn't seem to be too concerned about my youthful spirit (and body) but aging face deal, but I can't wait to appear even a little fresher and less old/tired.

3) Going snowboarding with the work crew this coming weekend. My skills are minimal, they could be awesome if I had the time and money to spend on the mountain. The Greek will be there, he has cockily suggested that I wanted him to hang out with me. I told him, "Absolutely no way, nu uh." I don't want to feel self conscious,  I want to learn. It came out later that it is, in fact, him that wants us to hang on the hills together and board. I will, most certainly, let you know how that goes.

I will not be going into work this week and will not be seeing him until the mountain this weekend,  at which time we will be surrounded by work people. This means a whole week not touching him, not nuzzling my face in his neck, not feeling his body behind mine, not spending a whole lot of physical energy going between making love and fucking. We've come far enough now that the loss of this week will be felt and will likely drive me crazy.

4) I'm 46 and had my tubes removed ~4 years ago after an ectopic pregnancy. My period is now 15 days overdue. I have either entered some form of menopause or am miraculously pregnant. Will be gong this morning to buy a pregnancy test whilst feeling incredibly silly.

That, in a nutshell, is it! Thanks for hearing me out.